Tuesday, January 05, 2010

A Letter to The Terrorists

Dear Terrorists,

I'm writing you this letter, because I assume that you read my blog faithfully. You do, don't you? Surely you need funny stories about bald eagles and baby poop in between stupid plots, don't you?

The reason I'm writing you is that I wanted you to know that I've officially decided that I hate you. I mean, it's not like I really liked you before, what with your only mission in life being blowing innocent people up, but if you ever thought I was on the fence before, well, let me clear it up for you. I. Hate. You.

Seriously, why is it you have to try to do something on a plane every time I'm out of the country. There was the time Sweetie Pie and I were in France and one of your buddies tried to light his shoes on fire. Yeah, it was really fun to fly out of the same airport two days after that. Oh, and for the record? Now my kid's light-up shoes practically caused the terror risk to be raised to red, because wires in shoes look mighty suspicious now. The good news is, his anal cavity is squeaky clean now.

So now, you go and decide that lighting up underwear is the way to go. Which means that my 7:45 a.m. flight was delayed by almost two hours, because it was taking people more than three hours to get through security.

And this is where I want to tell you you've messed with the wrong bitch, you little fundamentalist bitches. I had to get up at 4:20 in the morning to make that flight. In case you don't know this about me, I'm not happy at 4:20 in the morning.

I then had to go through security with a cranky husband and two young children, an ordeal that took 50 minutes, and it was that short because we were in the express lane for families with babies. Express my ass, is what I say.

And then, because of you, my children weren't allowed toys, blankets, nothing for the last hour of the flight. You clearly don't have children you fuckers, because if you did, you'd have enough consideration to not make the air safety people come up with the kind of rules that will make any mother try to smash her way through that tiny little airplane window.

Do you know how my kids ended up entertaining each other for about 30 minutes of that last hour? By beating the crap out of each other.

And since I was beyond caring at that point, I let them, I'll admit it. I let my kids just beat the shit out of each other because they were laughing and I figured there was bound to be a doctor on board, I know this from my flight attendant years.

So you see what you've reduced me to, you stupid terrorists? Probably one of my worst moments as a mother, and the bar wasn't even open for me to pretend I was somewhere else.

So how about you morons quit it and leave us travelers alone, ok? Because the airlines can barely keep their planes working, the weather is always plotting to shut down airports and there are about 100 other reasons for flights to be delayed. Last thing I need is you to freaking jump in the madness.

I hope you die in a pool of your own vomit,



Mamma Schmoo said...

As someone who flies with 4 kids all I can say is AMEN!!!

Burgh Baby said...

I refuse to fly now. Flat-out refuse. It was already hard to deal with the morons, and now it's even harder. No thanks.

Did anybody end up with a black eye? If not, then the fighting must not have been *too* bad. Hopefully.

Nina Diane said...

no kidding.....makes flying such a mess now. Just so not worth the hassle. I hope they read your letter...hehe!

Anonymous said...

You dropped the F bomb.

I am floored.

And? I wasn't a fan of flying before terrorists decided to be bitches. I flew 2 months after 9/11 and...well...from NY to Phoneix? It's safe to assume I consumed A LOT of liquor.

Hel said...

You have verbalised what I have been thinking for the past week. We will be flying from Australia to Phoenix in March and am HOPING like hell that everyone has relaxed by then (not likely, right?). I REALLY do not like the idea of not having any entertainment for the little girl for the last hour of the flight... ugh. I hate terrorists too.

Susan said...

I was totally with you until you mentioned that the bar was closed. Why in Allah's name aren't you ranting on the bar owner??!! Loves you...

Loukia said...

I hear you. I DESPISE, more then ever, the idiotic, brain-dead morons sub-human freaks who have changed travelling by air for the rest of us NORMAL people. A few months ago my 4 year old's rubber ball which contained liquid and sparkles inside it was taken from him on a flight back from D.C. He was devestated, crying, asking me why... how do you explain this to a child? And then, last week going to FLA my 4 year old and 23 month old were both FRISKED at the airport in Ottawa. WTF? It was laughable, really... unreal...

kanishk said...

..makes flying such a mess now. Just so not worth the hassle. I hope they read your letter..
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