Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Who Is This Person I've Become?

Once upon a time, I was semi-cool. At least I was in my head. But lately, I've found that I've become a mom. One who is forced to say insane mom things. I mean, really, what self-respecting cool person would say any of the following?

- "We don't grab our penis while we're cooking dinner."

- "Stop hitting your brother with that chair."

- "The dog is not a step stool."

- "Don't use the dogs for target practice."

- "Stop running and the dogs will stop chasing you."

- "If you take the dog's bone right out of his mouth, you can't be surprised when he tackles you to get it back."

- "Take that shoe out of your mouth." (note: said to child, not dogs)

- "You have to wear pants to school, end of story."

Once upon a time, I was semi-cool. Maybe if I repeat that enough, I won't forget.



Sunday, November 08, 2009

Conversations with Santa

I took the kids to get their holiday pictures taken (and Tiny Man's one-year pictures, slightly late, but not horribly bad by second child standards). When we entered the mall, we were shocked to find that Santa Claus had already arrived. I mean, really, you'd think the man would have too much to do to prepare for Christmas to spend two whole months at a mall in North Texas, but you'd be wrong.

Here's the picture, and below my interpretation of what was said by the parties in the picture.

Little Man: "I asked the old smelly stranger for my Spiderman toy and sat on his strange lap and kind of smiled at the camera. This better be f'ing worth it. I better get a freaking life size Spiderman who feeds me gold-covered candy all the time for this."

Santa: "Hi Little buddy!"

Tiny Man: "Who the fuck are you, and why am I on your lap? You come any closer, and I'll fucking cut you."

I'm Catwoman, and I like to pretend that my 12.5-month old is a mafia dude with a potty mouth.

Reason #182 I'm not a good person.



Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Typical Conversation

In the car this morning, on the way school.

"Little Man, I've noticed that you're always starving when I pick you up from school in the afternoon. So you end up filling up on a snack in the car and then you're not hungry for dinner. Would you like me to start sending you with a lunch box afternoon snack so that you have something else to eat in class besides the goldfish crackers they give you?

- I'd like that, I'm always hungry.

- Well, that's because you play a lot of sports at school and it's a long time before lunch and dinner.

- So what's in my lunchbox for snack today?


- Uhm, well, I don't have one for you today, since we just decided this now...

- What? You forgot my lunchbox with my snack? I can't believe you forgot it!"

Of course, this is the same kid who tells me all the time "remember how you kept hitting cars every day?" And because I fell down on Saturday while carrying his brother (no one got hurt, thanks to my quick thinking being used to always falling down), he keeps saying "be careful when you hold my brother, because you're always dropping him."

It's like living with my mother.