Wednesday, April 15, 2009

As My Fourth Anniversary as a Parent Quickly Approaches

There are many things that I've learned from being a parent. And I thought that it might be time for me to post some of them, so that should I have some kind of accident and wake up in a sitcom where I've forgotten how to do everything, I've got it here:

- A large wad of spit up in one's hair is not enough of a reason to wash one's hair.

- The fastest way to get over your queasiness of vomit is to have a three-year old who is clearly about to toss his cookies on your couch. Suddenly, you will use all appendages of your body as a vomit shield without giving it a second thought.

- Once covered in vomit, you'll be thrilled by the vision of your vomit-free couch and not care that you're wearing close to a pound of bodily fluids.

- Even if you've only been asleep half an hour, the whining of 'I need to go potty' by a newly potty trained two-year old will see you sprint up to the second floor in 1.2 seconds.

- The number of times a mother has been peed or pooped on is directly correlated to the number of times she has tried to dress up and look nice.

- When you give a three-year old gum for the first time, you can never tell him too many times that he is not to swallow it under circumstances and that you'll take it from him when he's done.

- You should not be surprised when the three-year old tells you his gum is in his tummy, despite the fact you told him 342 times not to swallow it.

- You will resolve to tell your three-year old not to swallow gum 343 times next time. Or just wait until he's 18 to him gum again.

- When your three-year old tries to use the system to his advantage by crying out in the middle of the night, knowing full well you'll throw him in your bed and he'll get to sleep with you, do not try to break him of the habit by telling him that he's acting like a baby and that you'll put him in a crib if he ever does it again for no reason. You might be exhausted with it being the middle of the night and not thinking clearly, but you are simply ensuring the child has more fodder to use against you with his future therapist.

- A two year old with a deadly fear of mascots, Easter bunnies and other characters will still be deadly afraid at three-and-a-half. However, a three-and-a-half year old's screams are much louder than a two-year old's and trying to force your child to sit on the Easter bunny's lap despite his fear makes you look like that mom, the one with the psycho screaming child.

- Despite knowing better than to smirk at that mom, you'll learn that next time you see her, you should buy her a martini.

- A three-year old who decides to wipe his own butt can manage to smear poop on the toilet seat and clog the toilet in under 30 seconds.

- A three-year old who throws a hard toy at his baby brother's head because he wanted to play catch with him will cry harder than the five-month old who got bonked. When you ask him why he's crying, you'll figure out that it's because he's heartbroken by the fact that he was a bad big brother, despite his parents telling him that he's three years old and that he's finally acting like a normal child.

- The best part of waking up in the morning is walking into a five-month old's room and being greeted with the world's biggest gummy smiles, as your heart melts into a big pile of confection sugar goo. And then to have said heart explode as you hear his squeals of delight at seeing you.



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Wonderful World of Weiners said...

John is 40 and still swallows his gum. His theory? He now only has half a colon so therefore the gum will come back out quickly. Did I mention he's 40?


Loukia said...

Ah this post is perfection! SO TRUE, MY GOD! Yes, every time I dress up for a wedding or other event, I will get thrown up on or spit up on. Yes, my son will swallow his gum. Yes, we do that leap to the toilet in record breaking time because changing sheets/pj's/underwear at 3 a.m is NOT FUN at all! YOU ROCK GIRLFRIEND! :)

Loukia said...

And yes, there is nothing nicer then waking up to a happy baby!

Nina Diane said... have learned so much in 4 years!

the planet of janet said...

yep, that's a pretty accurate list.

Kila said...

Haha, loved it :)

Our middle son was bonked in the head with a hard toy by his older brother within hours of coming home from the hospital. Oops. He just wanted to play with him.

Stefanie said...

this was awesome! I have totally done the couch blockage from vomit thing and was pleased as punch to be completely covered in puke. The gum - been there and the older child who hurt younger child but manages to still cry much louder - totally!

A's Mom said...

That's awesome! I love #2, and #5, oh and #11 (martini).