Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Post That Confirms What a Terrible Mother I Am

There are many things I do right.

I can't think of them right now, because I've had two beers, and considering that I've spent the last 15 months either pregnant or nursing, that's enough alcohol to make me buzzed, giggly and make my memory as malleable as room-temperature butter (mmmmm.... butter...).

My parents were in town last week, which I don't have any good stories for that, because it all went well, which means that maybe something shocking happened when I had Tiny Man, maybe, just maybe, I became mature enough to let my issues go. I just farted right now, to ensure that I don't lose what makes me who I am.

Anyway, my point is that my mother noticed that Little Man was scratching his head. And mentioned it to me. But it's Little Man, and he develops these weird tics all the time, because he's fairly high strung in his way. Like that one time he developed a two-pack a day habit. So I told my mom that it was probably just a nervous tic, like the way he's constantly scratching his stuffed frog's neck, to the point he's now managed to make a hole in the frog's throat, so that it looks like it had one of those heavy smoker tracheotomies (can you tell I'm totally craving a cigarette right now? No, seriously, I will kiss the first person with tongue who shows up to my hotel room with a cigarette and a light).

A week later, my mom mentioned to Sweetie Pie that Little Man really was scratching his head a lot, and Sweetie Pie, being my complete opposite, called Little Man over and looked at his head.

And guess what? My kid? Who I give a bath to every night, and whose hair I wash practically every day, because he's such a sweater? His hair, his thick, beautiful mass of hair, was infested with lice.

I'm talking live bugs. And eggs, dear God, the freaking eggs.

And you can tell me until you're blue in the face that lice doesn't just happen to dirty kids.

I don't care! Lice shouldn't happen to my kid! Especially when he's three!

And since it was late at night, and that we couldn't go buy anything for it (also, we thought he had fleas, since none of us, including my mom the teacher, had ever seen lice), we washed his hair with the dog's flea shampoo.

I might be the worst mother who ever ever lived.

Some day, Little Man will tell his therapist how his mother let him walk around with lice in his hair for a week and didn't notice. And his therapist will totally give him a free pass for robbing 10 banks.




random_mommy said...

OMG NOOOO!!! I'm torn between laughing at you and feeling pity for LM!!!

Morgan said...

Um, it's not as bad as it could've been. When I was five -- my mom went almost 3 weeks without realizing I had it, even after I'd found a bug in my hair and gave it to my grandma.

the planet of janet said...

i just threw up a little in my mouth ...

roo-girl had lice in the fourth grade -- FOR ALMOST THE ENTIRE YEAR. we could. not. get. rid. of. it.

every time we thought we had, she got reinfected. (day care, bah!)

so the mere mention of the word makes me itch ... and retch.

Kat said...

Okay, first off...

I love a good buzz induced post. And this is a good one. I love you.


My sister had lice as a little kid (and mom only knew because they sent her home from school) and my mom just happens to be the best mom in the WORLD. So don't take it too badly.
The dog shampoo? Classic. hehehe
Very inventive.

beach mama said...

Oh NO!!
If it makes you feel any better, the lice don't just like dirty kids...they REALLY like the clean kids. They don't have a layer of dirt to dig through to get to the good eats. *shiver*

Hope you can get rid of it soon. There are so many new products since I was a kid. I had them once when I was little and that stuff was gross.

You totally deserve those beers.

Loukia said...

Oh my God, that does SO NOT make you a bad mother - like you said, lice doesn't happen to 'dirty kids'. So don't feel bad! But you know what, I'd feel the same way you do, too. I'd have mommy guilt, even though it did not happen as a result of anything you did/did not do. He probably picked it up from school, right?

But remember in elementary school, when the teachers would check all the kids hair for lice? And you'd pray to God you didn't have it, because then everyone would know? That was really annoying!

Burgh Baby said...

Damn you. My head is all itchy now and IT'S YOUR FAULT.

Add bad bloggy friend to your title. *ahem*

susan said...

DId the dog shampoo work!?


roztime said...

AMAZING. i'm still laughing...!!

Poltzie said...

Did anyone else get it? Gawd that sounds so gross! Hopefully your home is now lice free. Is this why you are in a hotel room?
Ok and thanks for the grocerygame tip!! I heart the grocery game now and mentioned you on my blog!

Haphazardkat said...

ACK!!! after this post? I'M having two beers.

And a half dozen tequilla shooters.

*full body heebie jeebie dance*

Haphazardkat said...

oh AND?

The dog flea shampoo?



Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

I loved the audio version. And, his hair grows faster than any kid I've ever seen - so he'll def be Little Man-ing before you know it.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I think I peed a little when I read you used flea shampoo!!



Emma in Canada said...

You so should have facebooked me for lice suggestions. You may recall that Liam had lice so badly last year that it looked like he had a head full of sand and the bugs were all over the sink as I brushed them out. I swear by tea tree oil. Love it. I keep a bottle on hand, as we have had now had nits 4 times. Luckily, I have caught them early and one wash is all we've had to do.