Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Forty-Two Months: My Letter to Little Man

So a funny thing happened this past month. You turned into a three-year old. Which is both horrifying and a relief, in some ways. Amongst the three-year old traits you have taken on, the most visible one is your idea of a joke, which typically involve calling anyone around something that includes the words "poo-poo" and "head."

Why this is hilarious, I'm not sure, because I'll be honest with you kid, it's been a very, very long time since I've been three years old. But every day, when I pick you up from school and ask you what you did, you practically can't speak, because you're so busy recounting how you called your best friend a poo-poo head. Oh, the hilarity.

A few months ago, I mentioned that I tried to teach you how to tell knock knock jokes, a feat that I've discovered is extremely difficult to do, because how do you explain to someone that after you say "knock knock", they're supposed to say "who's there?" But silly me gave it another shot and this time went a lot better, I must admit. After a few rounds of me saying "knock knock" and you repeating "knock knock," you finally understood that you were supposed to say "who's there?" The small victories of motherhood. Next, I have to make you understand that the vodka should always be poured first into the martini shaker.

So you know the knock knock, who's there? Boo. Boo who? joke. And you tell it to me many times, and I have to act like I've never heard it before. Which would be a lot easier to do if you didn't go into a fit of giggles every time I say boo who?, which means that you never use the punchline. And then I'm forced to tell you that you haven't said the punchline, and each time without fail you tell me "then you say it." I'm thinking your future as a stand-up comic is pretty cloudy looking right now.

My favorite moment in the past month involved the following conversation:

Me: "Little Man, you're so good looking, you must have a lot of girlfriends!
- No I don't!
- You don't have lots of girlfriends? How many girlfriends do you have then?
- Just one.
- Just one? I'm shocked! Do you love your girlfriend?
(nodding) - I do! I love her very, very much.
- That's so sweet! And what is your girlfriend's name?
- Mama! My girlfriend is you!"

Cue me throwing pounds of M&Ms at you and promising you a Porshe for your 16th birthday. Keep it up, kid, because flattery will get you everywhere.

You've also discovered tattling this month. This is not exactly your best side and we've tried beating it out of you. And when I say beating, clearly I mean literally using boards with rusty nails on them, not the figurative manner. I only clarify this so that you have something to blame us for when your therapist doesn't understand where all of your issues stem from. You regale us with stories about how so and so at school did this and so you told on them and this girl said "sunny" and that's a bad word (really?!?) so you told on her. You tell me about things Daddy does and you tell Daddy when I give you candy before dinner.

Then, of course, there's the comment you made to Daddy one day when you were by yourselves in his truck. As he sped up to pass a car, you said "Daddy, are you going to drive fast like Mama now?"

Now that you're halfway to your fourth birthday, I've discovered you no longer forget things. Like the other day, when you decided you were finished with your dinner and didn't eat your piece of yummy garlic bread (with cheese!!!). You excused yourself from the table, and left to play. Your father and I promptly split your bread and chatted while we finished dinner. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, you showed up in the dining room, climbed back in your spot and promptly noticed that your break was gone. The look of shock on your face was pretty hilarious, I have to admit, and you looked at your father and then at me and said "you ate my bread?" like you couldn't believe we could do anything so cruel. We explained to you that you'd told us you were done and excused yourself from the table, but you continued to look incredulous. But even worse, every day since then, at some random time during the day, you'll say to me "remember how you and Daddy ate my bread the other day?"

So let's see then.... Steel trap memory + a love of tattle taling + skinniness = teachers who've probably called Child Protective Services to report abusive parents who eat their skinny kid's food.

This morning I swung by Chick-Fil-A for breakfast for the both of us. You only ate half of your hash browns and told me you wanted to keep them for tomorrow. As you handed them to me, you eyed me suspiciously and said "you're not going to eat them, are you?" I told you they were going to get soggy and that hash browns don't keep. Your eyes narrowed to slits and you stated more firmly "I'm going to eat the rest tomorrow. You're not going to eat them, are you?"

Amazing how convincing someone who's roughly 37 inches tall can be.

I love you my Little Man,



Haphazardkat said...

fantastic pics! Man I can't believe how big he's getting.
Oh and?

HA HA HA HA HA @ the eating of his bread!!

Lord V ate MiniWarriors left over fruit pancakes one day...MiniWarrior has NEVER let him live it down since!

Loukia said...

Beautiful, as always! Where have you been, by the way? I miss your comments and your more frequent blog updates! Hope you're doing great.

Kat said...

WAaaaaaaa!!!! That makes me bawl! I love that you are his girlfriend. So SWEET!!!

And dear LORD, could he be any cuter?????

Kila said...

All boys, no matter how young or old, are obsessed with "poop" and "butt". If you say just that one word to any of my boys, they go into hysterics.

Your young man is at such a great age :) Enjoy!

the planet of janet said...

so sweet. can't believe how big he has gotten!

Nina Diane said...

hard to believe how big he is cute! And mama is the girlfriend....awww!! I know that melted your heart.

Burgh Baby said...

Huh. Our twins seem to have finally decided to follow different time lines. At our house, "poop" and "bum" are the funniest words you can say (and have been for a while), and OMG the tattling. The tattling! I know every sin that every kid in Alexis' daycare has committed in the past 6 months. Every. single. one.

I kinda like it.

Ellyn said...

Great letter. We have major tattling issues here too. My youngest can't get away with anything.