Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Proof That Hidden in There Is a Three-Year Old

I've always treated Little Man like he's a very short adult. I've always dressed him in cute clothes, but they've always been shrunk-down versions of grown men clothes, mainly jeans and polo shirts or t-shirts. Burgh Baby would be the first to say that I'm no AFF, as our beloved AFF would dress her son in jon jons until he's 20 if he allowed her to.

Please wait a second while I duck to avoid the heavy object my favorite AFF just threw in my direction.

Anyway, my point is, that Little Man, partly because of his personality, partly because I treat him like he's 20 years old, acts like a grown up regularly.

Last Thursday night, my faithful breast pump decided that it was tired of the abuse of being strapped to my giant boobies five times a day and stopped sucking. There are many things I wish would quit sucking, like Grey's Anatomy for example, but my breast pump is nowhere on that list.

I proceeded to do what I do best, which is freak out.

Then I proceeded to do the second thing I do best, which is to live in denial. So I turned off the breast pump, figuring it would magically repair itself, and that I'd try again at bedtime, my usual last pumping session now that Tiny Man is SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! (I figure I need to all caps that, because whoo-hoo, mofos! Kid is sleeping through the night two months sooner than his brother did! Can I get a whoop-whoop! Crap. Now I have to duck to avoid the heavy objects from the parents with older babies/kids who aren't yet sleeping through the night).

Anyhoo, despite the usual success of my living in denial strategy, for some reason it didn't work this time. So when I turned on my pump at 10 p.m., it still wouldn't suck.

Which led to me freaking out for real, Sweetie Pie calling Walmart to see if they carry Medela (they don't) and me having to plan a stop at Target the next morning on the way to work with the kids.

When I woke up Little Man on Friday morning, I told him that we needed to hurry, because Mama's breast pump is broken and we need to go buy a new one at Target.

When we got to Target, I threw both kids in the cart and raced in the store with boobs that felt like they could blow up at any time and arms that I could no longer lower because I was in so much pain from not pumping for 16 hours (thank you Tiny Man for refusing to take the milk directly from the cow).

As we're racing through the store, Little Man begins to say in a not-inside voice "Mama, are we getting your breast pump (emphasis his, not mine) now? Are the breast pumps in the back of the store? Or are the breast pumps in the front of the store? When we get your breast pump, can I hold it in the cart? Can I play with your new breast pump in the car Mama? What color is your new breast pump"

It was a little like some invisible frat brother asked my child to say the words breast and pump as many times as possible in a 30-second time span.

I proceed to smile at Little Man and tell him there's no reason to speak so loudly.

But it's like I'm not there and he continues this string of questions. How big is your new breast pump? What if the store has no breast pumps? Does Tiny Man want to hold the breast pump too?

Once we get to the baby aisle, I grab the breast pump and throw in the cart with Little Man, which causes him to shift into exclamation mark mode. "Whoo-hoo! We have a new breast pump! Wow Mama, I love your new breast pump! I want to open the breast pump box now! Let's go pay for your new breast pump now, Mama!"

When we get to the cash register, Little Man finishes by telling the cashier "Look! My Mama has a new breast pump!"

Seriously? Kid's been shopping with me about 10,000 times in his life. Never has he felt the need to narrate one of my purchases before.

This is why the world has three-year olds in it.

So that you can go through Target and become so embarrassed you end up laughing so hard you pull a muscle.

And for blog content.




Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

You'll get yours for that. And, I can totally see him doing it, too. Why am I never at Target when you are? Knute & I would just point and laugh.

Susan said...

Oh, that is just hysterical. Next trip, buy some tampons just for grins.

Kat said...

Hahaha!! I love that!

My boys are obsessed with breastfeeding now that I am pregnant again. They keep asking me if the baby is going to drink milk from my "boobies". And when I tell them "yes" then they have to tell me that they drank from my "boobies" too. And how does the milk get in your boobies mom? And on and on and on. They are such men sometimes. ;)

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Love that little dude!!


Haphazardkat said...

What color is your new BREAST PUMP?
did little man get to hold your BREAST PUMP in the car?
How big is your new BREAST PUMP?


That's really cool that you got a new BREAST PUMP!



Karen Cupcake said...

hehehee.. wipe tear... hahahaha.. snort...hehehe... OOoh I love kids!

the planet of janet said...

oh... you got a BREAST PUMP???

wait till you want to pick up some lube!

oh, and my word verification? bulge. you tryin' to tell me something? ;-)

Loukia said...

"When we got to Target, I threw both kids in the cart and raced in the store with boobs that felt like they could blow up at any time and arms that I could no longer lower because I was in so much pain from not pumping for 16 hours (thank you Tiny Man for refusing to take the milk directly from the cow)."

OMG... you are A COMEDIAN!

Seriously, 3 year olds are the funniest things in the world. Lucky us! :)

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Holy hell that was funny as shit!!!!!!

a Chris said...

Gorgeous post. OH man, my ignorance of the existence of the can't-put-the-arms-down, hint-of-real-fear-of-an-explosion feeling was shattered recently when our gremlin decided to sleep through for the first time. That's the part of the whole story that makes me cringe the most...

And I was so impressed you had a pump that could handle all that pumping that I was going to ask what kind it was so I could get one too. Guess that was premature.

Burgh Baby said...

I am so totally making a jon-jon with AFF's dog logo on it just for you and Little Man. BWAHAHAHA!

On the bum it will have the words BREAST PUMP embroidered.

texasholly said...

OMG. That is seriously great.

random_mommy said...

I LOVE the way LM dresses, always have. I dress mine like little people too. I've always said Little Man should have tortoise shell glasses and a copy of the NY Times while he has his coffee from his sippy cup.