Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What I Did On My Maternity Leave: Sample Day

So I've now been on maternity leave for 8 days now. Which is crazy, because people, do you know how much it's flown by already? Some of you have accused me of being a bad blogger, and that's true, I have, but if you knew how hectic work has been for the last few months, you'd totally cut me some slack. Oh wait, I'm forgetting who I'm talking to, I should know that blogging should always come before anything else.

I thought that once I'd go on maternity leave, I'd have all the time in the world for blogging again, but this is literally the first day that I have time to just sit on the couch and do nothing.

And when I say do nothing, I mean that I'm ignoring the fact that the cleaning lady will be here in exactly 2 hours, and I haven't picked up the arsenal of toys in the living room, haven't hidden the arsenal of adult toys in the bedroom and haven't moved the four boxes of Little Man's clothes I packed up yesterday into the attic so that the hallway can actually be vaccuumed. Oh, and I also have a load of laundry that needs to be put into the dryer (which needs to be emptied) before it sours. And the dishwasher needs emptying. And the kitchen needs to be cleaned. Also? I've got important papers that need to be faxed from Sweetie Pie's office, the chicken needs to be cut up and marinated for tonight (tandoori chicken, YUM!) and I'll need to check work emails again, because so far, in 8 days, they have proven that they can't live without me, which I admit, makes my ego very, very happy, although it annoys the crap out of the rest of me, since I spent almost a full-day writing hand-off documents that thoroughly documented every little thing I do, including important tasks like silently passing gas in my cube and fanning it so it smells like it's coming from somewhere else.

I have, however accomplished quite a bit during the past 8 days. I've now spent more than $500 worth of gift cards given to me at my work baby shower, which can I tell you? The only thing more fun than a shopping spree is one paid for with gift cards given to you, oh the thrill, the fun, the no guilt! It saddens me that I'll probably never get to do that again. I've installed the infant seat and the mirror that allows me to obsessively occasionally check on the new addition while I'm driving. I ordered and have now received two Britax Marathons for when the new addition outgrows the infant seat. I've washed about 350,000 infant outfits, receiving blankets, swaddlers, spit up pads, bibs and other things I'd forgotten were even needed, all which have been boxed up in the attic for three years now. I washed the bassinette cover. I've gotten my eyebrows done, part one of my six-part plan to look hawt in the pictures right after my c-section, my revenge for looking so almost-dead in the pics after Little Man's birth. The next parts will be occuring during the next few days, where I will be getting a hair cut, a manicure, a pedicure, a prenatal massage and having many more McDonald's lunches so that I may win the million dollars at their highly addictive Monopoly game (now with online game so that I can be even more obsessed!)

Sweetie Pie is highly annoyed with me. He likes to remind me that due to my regular spotting, I'm supposed to practically be on bedrest, per my doctor, but seriously, people, this is me hardly doing anything. If I did anything less, I'd be dead. I don't know how to sit still. It's like when I'm at the doctor's office and they take my blood pressure and they always tell me to relax my arm and I have to tell them that this is me relaxed. Is is just me? I think that if I were ever put on bed rest, I'd probably die of shock. I mean, seriously, I'm a little bit like Speedy Gonzales, where my idea of sitting still is your idea of running a marathon. I guess this is why they always call me high energy at work. Which always amuses me, because to me, this is normal. My entire family is like this. Hell, I'm actually the most relaxed one in the family, the one who's least high strung. They call me the zen one.

When I'm not busy doing everything that needs to be done, I'm busy having mild heart attacks at the realization that in exactly six days, I will be cradling a newborn baby in my arms. No longer will I watch my belly ripple as I type blog entries from my couch. No longer will I watch a small tiny butt push itself through my belly button, so that I become this lobsided beach ball.

Can I just say right now how much I love to be pregnant. A part of me knows that more than likely, this is the last time I will ever experience the magic of pregnancy. This saddens me tremendously, because for the most part (you know, except for that part at the end where my body goes fuck this and shuts down my liver and stops forming blood platelets) my body can do two things very well: grow fantastic boobs (it only had to do this once, don't let me fool you into thinking its something I do regularly, like a lizard re-generating a tail) and pregnancy.

I'm a really lucky pregnant woman. I did have some morning sickness at the beginning of this pregnancy, but nothing debilitating. I was able to do my job. Sure I was dead tired at times, but what mother isn't tired? But even now, at 37.5 weeks, I'm still super comfortable. I can still move swiftly from place to place, I feel like I'm 30 pounds lighter than I am. I still can sleep comfortably for the most part and wake up to pee only once a night. I'm happy, I've got this awesome glow to me, and I feel like I have this aura that shines a block away from me, lighting my path everywhere I go. I'm happy, I'm loving life and even the odd comment about how big I am make me giggle. Life is good, life is brilliant, and I get to enjoy this whole process and get a freaking cool prize in the end. How fantastic is that?

If you had to step away from the screen halfway through that post to throw up from the overly sickening sweetness of it all, I don't blame you. I think I would too if I weren't me.




Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Did you mention how you still look damn hawt in all your maternity duds? And, what's the plan for monday's pedicure outing?

Eternal Sunshine said...

Awww, you're like a pregnant Energizer Bunny!

That only made me want to throw up a little, so it's OK... ;)

AndreAnna said...

I'm the same way. Can. Not. Stop.


Tried yoga a few times. Damn near imploded from not being able to run around and do 50 million things.

I'm glad you're having such an easy pregnancy!

tami said...

I am so glad that you're so happy and ready! All the best!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Its so sweet that you can appreciate everything you're going through. And, girlfriend, twice pregnant means you can actually get your body back. I'm am going on #5 and have already given up the dream.

Good luck with everything! And if you don't blog for a while, the earth will keep on rotating, so give yourself one less thing to worry about already!

the planet of janet said...

blogger hates me today. it's because i wrote a whole long comment about how great it is that you are enjoying pregnancy as much as i did.

so go for it.

Kathryn said...

Nope. No vomiting here. As a matter of fact now I want to be pregnant again. Right now! I love being pregnant. :)
Glad everything is going so well for you and you are able to enjoy this time.

Susan said...

So glad you're happy! You deserve it for entertaining us on the blog.

"Like a lizard re-generating a tail" - BWAAHH!!!

Emma in Canada said...

Everytime I think I would like another baby I just read my pregnancy blog. I was a huge whinger.

Glad yours is much better!

Anonymous said...

You're just awesome. No way around it.

And talk about being ready. I love to be totally ready for something, but even I waited until Morgan was 7 months old before I ordered the Britax seats :)

David said...

Yeah...okay.... ANYway......

Are you gonna pop soon or what?!?!?!?!?

Burgh Baby said...

I'm going to need some more towels to clean up all the vomit all over the living room.

A Spot of T said...

I thought I would come on here from being terribly behind on blog reading and see a wonderful chubby little human being staring back at me because you gave birth and are now resting comfortably. I see that's not the case. And I'm not disappointed at all. No really.

Marmarbug said...

Awesome! I am hapy that your happy. But you are making me tired with all the crap you have to do!
I can not wait to see the pics of the baby!

Rachel said...

I had to hold in the vomit. Gah, you should warn people when you plan to be all smooshy gooshy on your blog.

Can't wait for Monday!!

Bren said...

So is Tiny Man still nameless?

Glad you've had such an easy time of it. Good luck to you on Monday!