Friday, September 19, 2008

Showing Ignorance and Telling the World About It

With Little Man's move to the bigger kids' class, it means that he now has Show and Tell every Friday.

Which sounds really cool, until you realize that you've got to come up with some item for your kid to bring to class every week and it can't be a toy and it has to be tied to the month's theme.

This month's theme at school is the Presidents of the United States. Which really? Makes it difficult for me to come up with crap.

Here's how September has gone so far for us and Show & Tell:

Week 1: Being the rock star mother that I am, I totally forgot about it, which means Little Man got to show off his new Ralph Lauren polo that I got him for 4 bucks at the consignment sale. Which really, if you think about it, shows great economics which means that I'm doing better than the current president's economic policy.

Week 2: Realized that it was Show and Tell day the morning of. Panicked, ran through the house looking for something presidential. Fished out a penny and a nickel from the coin jar, put them in a sandwich baggy that I labeled "Little Man's Show & Tell" so that his teachers didn't think he was supposed to buy something with that money after school. I then proceeded to teach Little Man that one was called a penny, the other a nickel and who was on each coin.

So we start the teaching process 4 minutes before departure time for school and work: "This is a penny. It has President Lincoln on it." Little Man nods. I quiz him "what is this?" "It's money!" So we start again. And again.

Finally we have the penny down, with one minute to go. I move to the nickel. "This is a nickel. And it has..." Shit. I don't know who the hell that white dude with the ponytail on the back is. Who is that? Little Man waits. I remember my trusty new iPhone and promptly Google "who is on the nickel." And find out that it's just a really bad picture of George Washington, making him unrecognizable to Canadians like myself. I mean seriously, can't you people just put the queen on all of your coins like we do?

Whether Little Man retained any of this information by the time he did Show and Tell, I'll never know. And whether he showed up with the lamest Show and Tell ever, well, I think that yeah, maybe he did.

Week 3, a.k.a. today: Yesterday, I brainstormed over lunch with some coworkers and they being as confused as I am since none of them have children, we settle on a picture of Mount Rushmore. I promptly forget about this until Sweetie Pie is leaving for ninja class last night. Sweetie Pie prints out a picture from the Internet of Mount Rushmore this morning and so in the car, I begin teaching Little Man to say "this is Mount Rushmore." And I say to him "Look! On the left is George Washington and President Lincoln!" Yes, Lincoln also has a first name, but have you tried to teach a 3 year old who is just 17 days past his birthday how to say Abraham? So yeah, President Lincoln it is.

Little Man points out Washington and Lincoln from the picture and all is good. Problem solved. Until he notices that there are two other heads. And asks me "who's that."

I stop the words "Two white dudes who refused to let women vote so they died" from coming out of my mouth. Truth is? I have no freaking clue who that is. I mean, what the hell? My kid's not even in pre-K yet, how the hell do I keep getting stomped with these school projects? Can't I just send him to school with a French crueller donut and have him talk about the greatness of Tim Horton's and the history of basketball and how it was created by a Canadian? Or a Canadian flag and have him explain the two red stripes represent the two oceans that surround Canada? (See, I bet you none of you knew any of this, so we're even).

So I tell Little Man "don't worry, we'll call Daddy. He knows everything." So I ask Sweetie Pie who the hell the two white dudes are, and ends up that my American-born husband, educated by the Texas public education system doesn't know either. To which I say ha ha! Because I'm a bitch.

So Sweetie Pie proceeds to Google it and finds out that it's Jefferson and Roosevelt. Which I'm thinking this Show & Tell thing would be much easier if I'd just focus on easy names like Bush and Reagan.

I tried to explain to Little Man that Mount Rushmore was carved out of the mountains by people, but of course, I know really nothing about the place, just that it's in South Dakota (right?), so I'm sure poor Little Man will go into class, recite what he remembers, twist half of it in that way toddlers tend to do and his teachers will ponder calling child protective services again.

So help a bad mother out, people. What the hell do I send him to school with next Friday for the last freaking President Show & Tell?




Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

How about a picture of the White House. Where he President lives. That would be easy for him to remember.

K-Mom said...

I personally think our current president has the I.Q. of a fart, so what if you sent Little Man to school with a fart in a jar?

I bet no other kid would have that one. :>)

Julie said...

a themed show and tell is hard - that is pressure!

how about a toy airplane and he can tell everyone the president flies on a special plane when he travels. oh wait, can't be a toy?

how about a picture of air force one? or marine one - which I'm pretty sure flew over my office yesterday.

beebop said...

a fat man stuck in a bathtub! (cleveland)
a picture of your Bush!
Cigars and a story about Clinton!
Make up a pretend ballot and vote!
Cookies! (you know...bake sale at the voting booths!)
Voting stickers! (call your local board of elections, theyd be happy to donate stickers!)

Emma in Canada said...

Oh beebop. How I love that girl who never comments on my blog. Oh wait, I don't write in my blog. Not that she commented when I did.


I don't live in the States and I do know who is on the nickel and all 4 men on Rushmore. What does this say about me? That I watch too much American TV and that I spent to long in retail where every 10th nickel was American (and every 3rd penny.)

Google a picture of JFK digging a hole for a tree in Ottawa where he put out his back. Canadian and American history in one.

Chuck said...

This is hilarious! Hey, I about getting hold of the dress Monica Lewinsky wore that time with Slick Willy's "stain" on it. That would be a memorable show and tell....

Okay, maybe that would be too much...

beach mama said...

That was SO funny!!!

We have show & tell everyday. But we can bring anything and it's still a pain to narrow it down.

Becca said...

do you own a blue dress and a beret??? said...

I thought we already decided BASKETBALL IS AMERICAN. And, I've always wondered: WHY is the queen of ENGLAND on Canadian money at all? And, as of yesterday, I thought you were French again?

I wondered what the Rushmore picture was for last night - I didn't even think to ask. Roosevelt & Franklin, hon.

Tell him to take a teddy bear to school - it's from Teddy Roosevelt.

Anonymous said...

Beebop is funny!! God, I love her!!

Pics of hot Secret Service men that protect the President.

Susan said...

Draw a big zero on a piece of blank paper and tell Little Man that it's our current president.

Eternal Sunshine said...

Have they started issuing the Presidential Half-Dollars yet? There will be (god, I don't know how many Presidents we've had) at least 40 of those, that should keep you going a while.

Maybe these will help

They need to come up with some better themes...

Rachel said...

How about an apology?

;) said...

FarK! I did say Franklin. Dadgummit. Stupid no sleep and serious anxiety.

Morgan said...

Um, I like the cigar idea from Beebop. LOL.

No, seriously?

I don't know.

MamaLaina said...

I'm thinkin' you photoshop Prez. Bush in front of an Igloo with a big cup of steaming Timmy's in his hand. Then you add Stompin' Tom Connors holding the Grey Cup at his side and have your son tell the class it's a picture of the last time Bush visited Canada. He was presented with the Honor of Canada Cup at a ceromony called the Juno's.

Just Me said...

They are minting these new gold one dollar coins now with the presidents on them. I believe you can get them at your local bank.

It's kind of a take off from the states collection quarters, but now they are doing dead presidents.

Just Me said...

P.S. Here's the link:$1coin/index.cfm?flash=yes

Poltzie said...

What about a picture of Monica Lewenski? Sorry, I'm Canadian too!

Haphazardkat said...

Paste a pic of yourself inside the white house pic and have little man practice saying, " This is my President--she rawks."


That's all I got...

Burgh Baby said...

Hold on there Skippy, I thought you were French? What's up with bringing the Canadian thing back already? Gah! Make up your mind already!

There are these shrubs called Burning Bushes . . . just sayin'.

Rosie : ) said...

Hmm, I have no idea either! I know nothign about American stuff, I am Canadian too. :) Maybe if it is the preseidential theme, coudl he talk about other presidents of other countries? Coz not eveyone has Prime Ministers. ;)

Marmarbug said...

Snort. It's cool. I mean no one cares about us Americans right? LOL

And no I did not know that about the stripes. Very interesting.
LOL my word verification is topdat.

Colleen said...

I'm in the same boat as you. We focus on a different letter each week in Gavin's class. For letter "D" I grabbed crap off the floor of my car or in my purse: picture of Daddy, "Lady and the Tramp" book (Dogs), and a duckbill-shaped duck call.

The duck call was my passive-aggressive way of letting the teachers know I was tired of them making me think.