Wednesday, September 10, 2008

One Way to Get Blog Fodder

The other day, I complained about being a crappy blogger and blamed it on my lack of blog fodder.

Apparently, I need to go buy The Secret today, because I have the power to make requests of the universe, and it will respond.

On Monday night, Sweetie Pie and I were scheduled to participate in the monthly tour of the hospital where Tiny Man (who still is unnamed, thank you very much) will be born. Sweetie Pie had complained that this was unnecessary, that we didn't tour the hospital for Little Man (simply because he was an emergency c-section and he wasn't even supposed to be born in the hospital, he was supposed to come in the peaceful homelike surrounding of the birth center three blocks away, but whatever), but I wanted to see the place and I had one important question: do they have Wi-Fi? Because three days without plurking would seriously affect my Karma. Plus, AFF's in charge of posting for me the day of the birth with all of the gory details, and I need to make sure that her post mentions how I looked so hot in my backless hospital gown that three Dr. McDreamys asked me to leave Sweetie Pie.

The tour was scheduled at 7 p.m. and since I was with Sweetie Pie, we showed up at a very early 6:40.

It was raining hard that night, which hasn't happened in about six months, so my Steve Madden wedges were wet. I walked about three feet into the hospital lobby, asked the front desk where the bathrooms were and proceeded to slip, fling my opened purse halfway down the hall revealing all of its non-exciting contents, and landed like a cat on my hands and knees.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Michael Phelps of the pregnant klutz Olympics. Or maybe the Nastia Lukin, it's hard to say really, because I clearly have Phelps' abs these days, but I'm obviously demonstrating the grace of Nastia and sticking my landings.

As Sweetie Pie helped me back up, a nurse rushed over and told me I needed to sit down, which I simply replied to her, too embarassed to want to stand here another second that I just wanted to pee. I mean, priorities people! Nothing's broken, let me go pee.

She told me I'd done a good job protecting that baby (which I'd like to say that of course I did, but I don't know if that was actually from sheer dumb luck or if my cat-like instincts and years of falling down practice were responsible for it) and when I came out of the bathroom she asked me if I was really ok. I told her yes. Because if there's one thing I am, is stupidly a non-troublemaker, even when I should be.

The hospital where I'm delivering is a small hospital, so the word quickly spread that a pregnant woman had fallen.

When the tour was about to start, another nurse pulled me aside and asked me if I'd like to get checked out. As the past 15 minutes, my brain had been consumed with worries about detached placentas, I gratefully told her that yes, it would make me feel better. She told me to stay behind after the tour and that they'd check me out.

Sweetie Pie and I proceed to visit the labor and delivery rooms, see the nursery, see the recovery rooms and all is swell. I find out that they do have Wi-Fi and that I can happily Plurk with my newborn in my arms (and hopefully properly latched to my boob this time)

The tour ends and I send Sweetie Pie away, because I have a three-year old to worry about now and he's at my sister-in-law's and needs to go to bed. I assure Sweetie Pie that I'll call him on my way home and he hesitates for a second, and then leaves.

The nurse tells me that they'll hook me up to monitors and watch me for an hour. No problem, no concerns.

I call Sweetie Pie and tell him I'll be at the hospital for an hour or a little more than that, but not to worry, and I'll call him on the way home.

Half an hour into the monitoring, the nurse, who is the freaking coolest chick ever, by the way, walks in and says to me "Ok, you've been having regular contractions for almost half an hour now, and we need you to quit it."

Wh-what?

Contractions?

I tell her I don't know what she's talking about, that I don't feel a thing. But as I glance at the monitor, there they are, clear as day, and most of them are off the chart contractions, which I'm thinking "wow! look at me, earthquake contractions, no drugs and no pain! Totally could have done the natural birth thing like I thought I could."

And then comes the realization of "oh. shit. I'm only 32 weeks and I'm so not ready to have this baby."

The nurse proceeds to tell me that we don't know if I'm just contracting because that's what pregnant women do, contract. Or if it's caused by the fall. And that she needs me to drink 48 oz (1 liter) of water in the next 20 minutes, in case that they're dehydration contractions. And that they're going to keep me another hour to get to the bottom of things, but they don't believe I'm in pre-term labor.

So I call Sweetie Pie again, and tell him haha, guess what, so I'm laying here and I'm having contractions, but supposedly it's not that big of a deal, they think it's all fine. Sweetie Pie sounds worried and asks if he should come back to the hospital. I tell him he's being silly that we've got a three-year old asleep upstairs, that there's nothing he can do here, and that I'm not having this baby tonight, and if I am, it won't be instant and I'll keep him posted.

More time goes by, I'm still contracting, so blood is drawn, a urine sample is given and after some more time lapses, cool nurse comes back in and says to me (and I swear I'm not making this up) "so, your urine looks like absolute shit."

And I'm in love with this woman. Because seriously? Anyone who can talk to me like that in a hospital setting while I'm hooked up on monitors watching World's Most Dangerous Job, totally deserves to be my new best friend.

So ends up? I have a bladder infection. And had no clue. And that the infection is probably causing the contractions, but that they're now going to keep me for 24 hours observation and start me on antibiotics just to make sure.

So guess what I did all day yesterday? I got to lay in a hospital bed (the one in the room that we toured) and watch day time TV.

And while others on the tour got a one-hour quick walk through, I decided to be extra thorough and test the monitors, meet the night and day shift nurses, try the breakfast and lunch menu and figure out that the pillows at this hospital? They suck ass and I will be bringing my own.

Long story short, all is good, my Steve Madden wedges have been raised to legendary status by the hospital staff (I ain't kidding, the ultrasound doctor, upon walking into my room said "where are these legendary shoes I've been hearing about all day?), I got another ultrasound that showed that this kid has gone from about 3 lbs 11 oz on Friday a week and a half ago to 4 lbs 8 oz yesterday (it's like, kid, lay off the French fries!) and I got a souvenir giant water jug with straw! to take home.

Also? I got to find out that watching daytime TV for six hours straight is really, really boring when you're not also on the computer or busying yourself with something else.

Love,

Catwoman.

27 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

As long as your not trying to blame this on the STEVE MADDEN Wedges. Steve Madden wedges would NEVER be to blame - they're just to cool.

Hallie :)

Burgh Baby said...

Why in the hell didn't you have your laptop with you? Gah! How can you check out WiFi if you aren't prepared to Plurk at all times? Get with it, lady.

(Glad everything is OK and I hope this doesn't end up causing you to cancel your hot date at the end of the month.)

Marmarbug said...

VEry bad preggo! BAD! No wedges for you. Invest in some old lady no slip sole shoes.
But it was nice of you to think of all the otehr preggos and stay behind to give a lengthy review!

melissa said...

i went into the hospital with contractions...13 years ago... because of a dead bird. i know...gross, right?
fun times.
good luck to you! happy, smooth and painless delivery.

Kellie said...

Dude!! For damn real, don't do that to me!! The more I read, the more I was all "Yup. Any second now, I'm going to scroll down a wee bit more and see a pic of Catwoman and Tiny Man." I? Wasn't happy about that.

Glad you both are okay. I admire your dedication to good shoes while this pregnant ;)

Susan said...

You skeart the shit outta me. Stop it! So glad things are fine. Any chance you got that cool nurse's schedule so you can have her when the real moment comes?

Ms. Porter said...

wow, you poor thing. take it easy lady.

the planet of janet said...

at least you got the COMPLETE tour, instead of the usual show and go.

glad everything is ok. and ALSO glad about the wi-fi. i mean, REALLY ... thank goodness we all have our priorities straight ;-)

susan said...

wow! I'm so glad you & tiny man are ok. I'm so glad you fell! ;)

beach mama said...

WOW! I am so glad he is still inside cooking. I am 2 cm already and now I am all worried about the dehydration. I had the WORST calf cramp this morning, and hubby was so mad I haven't been drinking enough water. Could I be contracting too and not know it? GAH! Any day for me. Next Friday is my due date.

Kathryn said...

Holy crap! And all I did yesterday was make cookies. Sheesh!

Glad everything turned out so well. :)

Eternal Sunshine said...

Wow - glad everything is OK! Try to hold it in a few more months, K?

Yay for hospital Wi-fi.

VDog said...

Oh my goodness. You sure have a flair for the dramatic, don't you? ;)

Glad you got checked out and taken care of...

I'm still pulling for my name submission! w00t Tiny Man!

Rachel said...

I bet those other pregnant womens are totally jealous of you getting the VIP tour!

Oh, and screw you and your can't feel anything contractions. :)

A Spot of T said...

Ok that just scared the chit out of me!! Thank goodness for a happy ending. Sheesh I'm going to be so bad if my girls ever get pregnant. I'm too much of a worry wart. Seriously. Glad all is ok.

CPA Mom said...

holy shit!! now that is a COMPLETE tour. Thank God you and the babe are ok. Don't ever scare me like that again. (yeah, you and me both, I hear ya!) And that nurse rocks. I hope she is your LandD nurse!

That Chick Over There said...

Oh Lawsy!

Hot Mamma said...

I am a horrible person to fall around...I will help you up and make sure you are ok but I will probably be in histerics while doing it. And ya, that nurse rocks!

A's Mom said...

Glad to hear that everything turned out okay. I'll be crossing my fingers that uber-cool nurse will be there when you deliver.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

You & your flair for dramatics. Just trying to test the hospital staff's competence. I know how you work. And, having also had a scare at 32 weeks & being in the hospital by myself overnight, I know exactly how you felt. I wonder if your Maddens can be bronzed?

justmylife said...

So sorry, I couldn't help but laugh. I took many spills when I was pregnant, all three times. Actually I am still a KLUTZ! Glad all is well and that you will be able to Plurk while in the hospital.

On a different note, I was the talk of the hospital when I fractured my spine pulling a transmission out of a car. Yep, all 5 foot, 110 pounds of me. *taht was years ago!* Nurses drug strangers into my room to tell them about it.

Ain't it cool to be "famous"?

Diva Ma said...

Okay, so the wedges, uuuhhhh maybe not the best of ideas right now. LOL! I personally went for the all out high healed sandals with baby number three and only fell ..... ummmm.... maybe 5 times. But they were little falls! So I kept walkin'! Be careful, LADY! Found you in another blog. Glad I came by.

Rosie : ) said...

What a day you had! I'm happy to hear that nothing was too serious with your fall, nor with the contractions. Scary stuff. :(

I fell down the stairs with the last four pregnancies. But it was never far, and mostly on my tailbone. That belly can really unbalance everything! Never blame the shoes, you are completely right. ;)

Julie said...

HOly shit, talk about being at the right place at the right time!

Glad you JUST had an infection! : )

susan said...

You do know that you have to post twice a day - every day so we won't worry about you?! Call me sometime soon!

Bren said...

Damn, woman! You sure know how to take a tour. And lucky you, all of my nurses have been mean, uptight bitches!

I had all of my kids at Medical City but didn't worry about Wi-Fi until the last one. If they hadn't had it, I think I would have found another place to give birth.

Haphazardkat said...

Ok first? I had to google what Steve Madden wedges were. Girrrrrrrrrrrll. I'm not pregant and can't wear those shoes!!!! Makes my knees hurt just lookin' at them!
Second--kudo's on the stealth catwoman landing. I bet if we pasted a slice of peanut butter toast on you--you'd defy gravity and land cool as shizzle.
Yer my new hero.

I'm totally thinkin little man needs to be named Madden now. Cuz his mom made him famous before he was born with her steve madden wedges. (I'm not lovin' the name Steve so much so we'll have to go with Madden) ;)

I'm very glad you are both OK!!

Stay safe and stop scarin the shizzle outta me!!!