Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Clearly Under a Monday Curse

So last Monday? I go into a hospital and proceed to fall on my face.

This Monday? I left work at 6 p.m., which is a rarity that I can literally count on one hand in the two years I've been here, because one, my job rocks and two, I want to spend some time with Little Man every day and there's no way I'm willing to compromise on that.

I get to the parking lot, get in my trusty Jeep Liberty, start it and it promptly dies.

Puzzled, I try again and am rewarded with this horrible 98-year old man smoker's cough type sound. That's when I panic. Because the daycare? It closes at 6:30. And I know that Sweetie Pie is probably sitting at home right now, exactly 30 minutes away. And the last thing I need is my child considered abandoned by the daycare and child protective services called.

A security guard on campus comes to give me a boost and I'm grateful, hopeful that it's just the six-year old battery and that I can at least get home and have Sweetie Pie buy me a new one as a belated anniversary present.

While we wait for the battery to be juiced up, the security guard decides that we must converse. Which, normally, I'm all for. Except that the conversation he chose to have was the following.

"So, when are you due?

- The c-section is scheduled for October 21st.

- Oh, a c-section? That's really too bad!"

Uhm, thanks for the judgement dude, but one, I'm fine with having a c-section, and two, it's medically warranted in my case, not that it's any of your business. But I'm polite and I smile and nod.

"So you must be excited to be having twins."

Really? You must do this when I'm down? When I'm thinking to myself that Murphy's Law is totally biting me in the ass, because after years of loyal service, my Jeep Liberty has finally acted up, and it has chosen to do so on the day that the final car payment has come out of my bank account, which means that I now own the thing outright, it just doesn't freaking work!d

Once again I smile and I say "Actually, there's just one in there." And then because I feel like this guy is doing me a favor by trying to bring my car back from the dead, I add "but they think he's a big boy."

And my security guard friend adds "That must be a really big boy."

Seriously dude? I'm going to guess you're single.

All of that emotional abuse to find out the battery won't hold the charge and it's probably the alternator.

Next Monday, I'm in San Francisco for my last hurrah/a trade show. My new gay BFF is supposed to take me to all of his hot spots during my four-day stay, with my promise that I would not embarrass him by having my baby in one of these hot bars.

Expect a post next Tuesday about how Tiny Man was born in San Francisco's hottest gay bar and got his first feeding out of a shot glass that says "I'm queer and I'm here."




Maria said...

Some people just don't know when to shut up. Or not open their mouth's in the first place!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

If he's born in a San Fransico cool gay bar, just think of the stories he'll have to tell! And think of how many "Uncles" he will immediately gain!!


Hallie :)

Haphazardkat said...

ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I so want one of those shot glasses!

not that I'm queer...

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


Just sayin.


When r u due? :D *nervous grin*

Morgan said...

That guy sounded like a jerk. You should've just smacked him. Blame it on the hormones, lol.


Susan said...

I'd have totally run over that insensitive shit. With the tow truck, I mean. Sorry that happened but can't wait to hear how you give birth to Tiny Man on the bar and he slides down the bar just as everyone picks up their beer glasses...

Hot Mamma said...

They really don't know when to stop huh? I had a friend who had some old broad tell her that she must be having a girl (which, it was a boy) because only girls suck the pretty out of the moms.

Laski Gal said...

"So you must be excited to be having twins."

Seriously, people still have the guts to say that? Even strangers who don't know a thing?



Elle said...

Sometimes people can be such idiots LOL. Don't worry about it. I'm waiting for the stupid comments to roll in. Right now people keep saying "maybe it's twins again." When I explain it's not, they say "well maybe one is hiding".

Yah okay there Einstein.

Kathryn said...

If I can come to SF with you I'll hold your leg up while you deliver the little guy on the bar! Deal?

Yep. Mr. Security Guard is definitely single.

the planet of janet said...

security guard man? obviously has a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease.

and a short life expectancy.

Anonymous said...

You totally could've kick him in the giggle berries and beaten him about the neck and shoulders with your purse. No cop in their right mind would arrest you for assault. That guy totally deserved it.

SO reminds me of a security guard at my old office while I was pregnant. Every. Damn. Day he felt the need to point out how big I was and make some stupid comment.

And seriously? If Tiny Man is born in a gay bar, I cannot WAIT to read that post!!

Hell, I can't wait to read the posts about the gay bar anyway. I am still searching for my gay BFF.


Sandi said...

Damnit! Neither of my girls have one of those shot glasses yet!!! I'm jealous.

Nina Diane said...

girl...you just crack me up!!

monsters' momma said...

Tell me about your new gay bff? I have a gay bff.
Our last match-making experiment doesn't seem to have gotten off the ground......muhaha.

Hope to see you this Saturday!!!

Burgh Baby said...

I'm really very sad that you remained polite with Very Single Security Dude. It's fun to hear about pregnant women beating up on the clueless.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Security dude went home to his can of Wolf Brand Chili that he ate out of the can while watching reruns of Mama's Family on Nick at Night. You? Got to go home and hug on two wonderful men.

David said...

You're having TWINS?!?!?!?!?!?

::: giggle ::::

just kidding.....have fun, but be SAFE!

Rachel said...

Men just don't know when to keep there mouth's closed!! And they wonder why we're always pissed at them!

Bren said...

I'm guessing security dude is, in fact, single. What an insensitive ass!

SF sounds fun, assuming you don't deliver in a gay bar and all.