Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Because It's Been Weeks Since I've Posted Something Inappropriate

So here's the thing. I'm pretty damn pregnant at this point. I'm exactly 10 days from hitting the 8-month mark. And overall, I feel damn good, I feel like I could be pregnant for another 8 months, because I'm lucky enough to be one of those women whose body greatly enjoys pregnancy. Well, that is until I get to the 38-week mark and body decides to shut down like a Tickle Me Elmo with bad batteries. Hello, HELLP Syndrome!

But that's not to say that I'm not walking around with this gigantic beach ball strapped to me and the idea of having marital relations is just not even something I want to ponder. So Sweetie Pie and I have become 14-year old kids who fool around a lot but stop at third base.

Because I'm a freaking rocking wife, I've given Sweetie Pie what I call a girlfriend. His girlfriend is rubber, she's a tube with a hole in it and she's temporarily taking over for me and I'm very grateful for her. Plus, she doesn't make any comments about my cellulite, so we get along famously.

Last week, after washing the girlfriend and letting her dry, I put her back on our nighstand.

Little Man is completely obsessed with baseball and my in-laws got him a little baseball glove for his birthday, which he has slept with on more than one occasion, because toddlers like to sleep with stranger things than even drunk college students.

One night, Little Man got his bat and baseball out and promptly asked where his baseball glove was. I told him he had left it on our dresser, which apparently is not a term we use a lot around our house, because, of course, you know where this is going, but Little Man comes back into the living room and his hand is firmly shoved up the girlfriend's love hole.

Little Man is frowning as he enters the room and says to me "This is not my baseball glove."

Well no shit, Sherlock.

Clearly, my son is a man, perfectly capable of stating the very obvious.

Love,

Catwoman.

34 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I assume you are now putting money away for Little Man's future therapy?

Hallie :)

Just wait til he's out with his buddies someday and comes across an "adult" store. Imagine the reaction when he ever so innocently wanders up and down the ailes and sees the "THIS IS NOT A BASEBALL GLOVE" sitting on the shelf.

NOT A BASEBALL GLOVE + SITTING ON PARENTS NIGHTSTAND = YEARS OF THERAPY

AndreAnna said...

It's only a matter of time before something very similar transposes in my house.


too fricken funny

Hot Mamma said...

We call her Gigi! Poor kid, these are the stories we hate hearing about when we're teenagers in front of our friends!

Kellie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Dear God, I needed that laugh. Holy CRAP!!

And for the love of shoes, I MUST get the husband a girlfriend.

:)

Morgan said...

::speechless::



I'm laughing too hard.

Tina said...

Oh, this is just too funny!

I love your posts, btw, but have never commented.

ICLW

Kathryn said...

Hehehehe. Too funny!

I had a bunch of girlfriends over one day and my dear son decided to take the opportunity to find a large bottle of Astroglide and parade it in front of everyone. Nice.

the planet of janet said...

hopefully he wont make the connection between the glove and the girlfriend when he meets one later in life.

like i hope (oh GAWD how i hope!) that my then-10-year-old son didn't really know what he had when he liberated buzz lightyear from the nightstand drawer and zapped me in the back with it -- AT HEBREW SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

random_mommy said...

We have a sleeve in our house too... but the kid has never found it!! That is funny shit!

Julie said...

OMG. I love it when you post inappropriate things. I'm laughing my butt off.

Haphazardkat said...

**gasping for air here**

TOO damn funny, girlfriend!!!!!!!!

Susan said...

You really are going to hell in a handbasket. I'm making the sandwiches. That is too frickin' funny.

Nina Diane said...

omg girl.......I think being pregnant and all of those damn hormones have made you even FUNNIER!!!

Sandy said...

"Well, good for you, son"...lol. Your two guys are frickin' hilarious - without even being together.

oh, and my word verification is bgppks????

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

Wasn't he playing with empty K-y bottles not long ago?
That is too funny!

Kidding aside, I read up on Help syndrome and that really is scary and serious.Take care.

Karen

Eternal Sunshine said...

FOrget his therapy, what about yours?

Hubs left his in the shower one day after cleaning, and then IMed me at work to tell me about it, ALL DAY, hoping that the kids (or gramma, who watches them) didn't find it. I have never seen him in quite that much of a hurry to get home from work...

I love your stories, truly priceless!! Just be glad you didn't have company?

Bren said...

Hmm, maybe a girlfriend love hole is something I should get for the monkeyman.

And our kids can go to therapy together.

Ms. Porter said...

I bought my husband a girlfriend (love hole as bren says-too freakin funny!) and I'm thinking I should bring her out more often.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Oh, my. I'm very naive and have no idea what this thing is, but I'm creeped out all the same. EWWW

Emma in Canada said...

Is it the one that actually looks like a vagina? Cause that one freaks me out a bit.

Can't believe you wash his girlfriend for him. You are far too good a wife! And there I was thinking I was being good for giving William a birthday blowjob.

That Chick Over There said...

O! M! G!

squishytushy said...

So you give your husband a girlfriend, Emma gives hers a bday blow job, and here I am... complaining about cooking dinner & vacuuming.

Damn, that J sure sure is lucky that I'm at least cute.

Marmarbug said...

LMFAO!!! Oh my god!!! That has to be the FUNNIEST thing ever.
And where do I purchase one of these girls for my hubby?

Burgh Baby said...

:::speechless:::

Still.

A day after first reading this.

:::speechless:::

aims said...

This is a story they make commercials out of isn't it?

My goodness - you sure look after the men in your life!

(came here via hineykapoople)

A Spot of T said...

You wash it for him?? Man you're a good wife! Too funny though. At least Little Man realized it wasn't a glove before he brought it to show all his friends...or grandparents :o)

David said...

What? No pictures!?!?!?

I tell ya.... ;-)

Karmyn R said...

ROFL - because when I was 5 months pregnant I went to one of those home sex-product parties and I thought about buying that "girlfriend" for my husband.....and at 8 months pregnant I truly wished that I had bought it!!!! (and now with a 3-1/2 month old, I wish I had it again!) hahahahahaha

Glad to know that it truly worked.

Lil Mouse said...

he he he. that's so hilarious. i just started my 8th month with my first baby which i'm carrying WAY out front and needless to say with my over 6' husband and my 5'1 3/4" frame the logistics are complicated. add to that the impending move and job change which leaves little energy for anything more than snoring-- but I'm SUPER glad we dont have another kid running around to get into our sex drawer. mental note, find a box with a lock on it once we have a toddler. thanks for the giggle.

CPA Mom said...

I'm with Anglophile Football Fanatic who said "I'm very naive and have no idea what this thing is..." I seriously have no idea what you are talking about. I'm feeling a bit stupid.

But I'm still laughing. Just imaging.

~Denise~ said...

THat's frickin' hilarious.

Tranny Head said...

Was it that Gigi thing you buy at the Passion Parties? I swear I felt that thing and decided it was too good. So I refused to buy one for hubby AND refused to tell him it exists. If he wants gigi he'd better work on ME and not on HER, right?

Just thought I'd share.

Poltzie said...

It is very very rare that I actually lol. This post made me LOL!!

Rachel said...

I often wonder why this has not happened in my household.

At least he didn't bring it out while your parents were there, right?