Friday, August 08, 2008

This is the Part Where I'm Really Going to Miss Booze

My parents are arriving today. Tonight, to be exact. Which means that really, by the time we get home from the airport, it'll be bedtime.

Did you see how much dread I typed this with? Is your computer screen flickering to convey the twitch in my eye right now?

Of course, when I speak of my parents, those of you who've read me long enough know that I have no issues with my dad. My dad is one of those people everyone loves, someone I strive to be like, so that when someone doesn't like me, I'm in total anguish, because damn it, they. must. love. me.

My mother, however, leads her life in a way that most people don't like her. And she's always surprised that she leaves mangled corpses in her path who then come back to life only to tell as many people as possible they don't like her.

I have spent every waking moment this week when I wasn't at work cleaning. Those of you who know me know that this is not typical Catwoman behavior. I've cleaned so much and stressed so much about this visit, that I had some mild spotting last night, freaking me out enough to make me decide to cut it out and decide that moving the couch to clean the carpet under it would have to be deemed unnecessary. But 10 dollars say that the first thing my mother does when she comes over is lift that couch and tell me that she can't believe I'd allow my child to live in a house that has dust bunnies under the couch.

Of course, that comment will come after she tells me that I've put on way too much weight for my pregnancy and how if I'd just lose 20 pounds, I'd be cute.

And I have to put up with this, with raging hormones, and no alcohol for seven days. And when I eventually snap, which will only be a tiny bit of the snapping I would do to anyone else, my mother will tell me that I'm so oversensitive, and that she's just telling me these things because she loves me.

Anyone want to trade places with me?

To make matters worse, my father, who at least acts as a buffer with his mere presence is deserting me on Tuesday and leaving me alone with my mother.

It's at times like these that I'm grateful that I have a child and that my parents are bringing down my two-year old niece. Because at least, this way, their shenanigans together might give my mother something else to focus on.

Why am I telling you all of this, because I'm sure your eyes are rolling in the back of your head by now? Only because my posting will probably be on the short side until next Friday, as I will be blogging when my mother is showering or busy inspecting my fan blades for dust.

But I will post all crazy comments for you, my favorite Internet people.

Please pray for me.




Morgan said...

Aw, hon. It'll be okay, maybe your mom will be...nicer...this time? :) Have fun.

Sunshine said...

Oh man, I had a Mother-in-law like this once. hang in there, hope the kids will distract her, and be thankful that she's not staying a month...

Good luck!

MamaLaina said...

I didn't know my parents had a daughter in Texas!!

Tell 'mom' not to re-arrange your drawers, I'm still looking for my melon-baller since the last time she was over. Then again, maybe she sold it at her garage sale along with my potato masher she took without telling me because "I didn't think you used it".
I feel your pain sister, I do!

Burgh Baby said...

I'll be drinking for you and sending you the drunken vibes. And, thanks for the reminder that I need to start drinking. My MIL is due to hit town in two weeks. It's going to take a lot of liquor to prepare for that one.

Becca said...

Oh I am so sorry for you. That must be so irritating. I would completely loose it. Sorry that's not supportive. You will do great, and your mom, well she'll be who she is and then she'll go home.

Tara said...

I really feel your pain, well minus the pregnancy part! My granny is like this and my MIL is somewhat similar. I will be thinking of you and can't wait to hear the stories afterward. From one Canadian to another, hugs!!

Julie said...

Godspeed Catwoman, Godspeed.

Karen said...

Had NO Idea my SISTER is your mother! hahahah!
You will do fine!! You are CATWOMAN!
Cannot wait to hear what happens .....

Ms. Porter said...

Is it a bad thing that I'm kind of looking forward to your posts after she leaves? It's okay...I'll have a drink for you! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Oh hell no. There will be NO spotting!! You got that!

I can't say I get it, because I don't. My Mom doesn't make me want to jam bamboo in my eyes. Focus on the kids--and maybe sneak a tiny glass of wine?

I, too, will consume booze for you this weekend. I'm headed to a family wedding with an open bar. No, maybe you didn't hear me: OPEN BAR. For SIX hours. SIX HOURS, I tell you. I already feel like crap in anticipation for Sunday's hangover ;)

We'll miss you. Post when you can.


Kathryn said...

I've heard that a glass of red wine is fine when your pregnant. ;)

Good luck!

Rosie : ) said...

Wow. My Mom never really "got" me ("Why in the world would you want 7 kids, Rosie?"), but as I got older, and kept adding more kids, I think we made peace. I wish that for you in this time of need.

Instead of reaching for the alcohol, maybe you could start giggling. Everytime something makes you want to cry, start giggling...hey, can't hurt, right?

Ok, I think I'm not doing too good at this...let me try something else:

Focus your eyes on the swinging penduluum. Watch it sway back and forth, back and forth. I will count back from 10, and you will be extatic that your Mom is at your house. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...oh heck, who am I kidding? :P

Have a fun weekend, we'll be thinking of you!

the planet of janet said...

take a deeeeeep cleansing breath.


lather, rinse, repeat until you hyperventilate and pass out.

that way you'll miss all the drama.

Susan said...

Oooohh, I think shots of tequila by Catwoman would totally distract your momma from everything else. And you'd feel better! Bottoms up, baby!! Hang in...

Just Me said...

Are you sure we're not sisters - because it sounds like we have the same mother.

Kids are great buffers - just keep her busy running after him and maybe she'll forget to insult you.

Couple months ago when I was preggo my mom called me Shamu while taking my picture - I'm not even kidding. Then later she asked "Your not mad about the Shamu comment are you?"


Maria said...

I'll booze it up for you! :)

Tranny Head said...

Good Gawd I always found holidays unbearable while pregnant for that very reason. Anything is sufferable with alcohol. Booze-free is just a recipe for pain - and not just for me. For everybody.

*Sending good vibes your way*

Joy T. said...

Prayers being said and sent!

beach mama said...

Oh my.

That sucks you have to deal with that.

Good luck! And just breathe and remember it's only temporary.

That Chick Over There said...

I had no clue we were sisters! Why don't you live closer and visit every now and then!

Haphazardkat said...

My (devil seed) mother is visiting me this month, also.
She says the same thing to me..."if you'd lose weight you'd be used to be soooo pretty."
She forgets that I was pencil thin growing up yet she said the same thing to me back then...
*grinds teeth*
I, however, can drink alcohol and plan to do so in great amounts. :)

Marmarbug said...

ACK! RED ALERT RED ALERT! Momma in town. I hope she does not aggravate the crap out of you!!!!

Emma in Canada said...

Have I told you before that my mother once threatened to call Social Services on me because there was dust on my hot water tank? And though I am quite sure my house probabl was a mess, it is the dust on the hot water tank comment that I will remember until the day I die.

I blame it on their birthplaces. They are some crazy over the ocean.

And is your niece already two? Boy time flies.

Colleen said...

So since we only saw you on Plurk like TWICE all week I'm guessing your mother didn't shower that whole time, which, uh, (1) kinda feeds into the stereotype I have in my head about the French, (2) it better explains the mangled corpses in her path, and (3) explains why you'd be so annoyed--how can you take cleaning criticism from someone who doesn't even shower? ;)