Thursday, July 31, 2008

Things I've Learned This Week

Because I'm all about spreading knowledge and sparing you the pain of obtaining that knowledge:

1. When you put on a top in the morning and realize that people will see that you haven't shaved your armpits in two days, but feel too lazy to get back in the shower to shave the pits or to pick a new top, do not consider using hubby's electric razor. For the record? Men's facial skin and women's armpit skin are not the same thing. The electric razor will remove your hair, but it will also remove enough patches of hair that you look like you've been shaved by a rabid piranha.

2. After you've donated layers of epidermis and dermis to hubby's Norelco razor, don't decide that you still need to wear deodorant. This will cause you to look like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and scream loud enough for your dog to think that someone is attacking you and make him barrel into the bathroom so fast, he slams into the wall.

3. Don't laugh at your dog when he's potentially caused himself a permanent brain injury trying to save you. His feelings will get hurt.

4. Don't tell your toddler when you hang up with his lover's mother that you were in fact speaking to her. Lie and say that you were speaking to the scary mall Easter Bunny or the mascot at the Frisco Roughriders' baseball games. It is better to cause fear in your child's heart than have to deal with half an hour of sobbing at how he wants to go see Knute and how he needs to play with Knute. Telling your child the truth will result in your toddler telling you that he likes AFF more than he likes you.

5. I don't care what anyone says, but the only thing better than cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory is $1.50 cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory. When's their next 30th anniversary celebration?

Love,

Catwoman.

10 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

All I read was cheesecake.....

Atkins has made me insanely one track minded.

Hallie

Morgan said...

Awwww...poor puppy. :) My hubby hides his razor, he told me he was scared I would use it. Puhleeze.

:)

Marmarbug said...

You know I was having a crappy day. But then? I came here and you made me laugh! I Puffy heart you.
And cheescake.

Rachel said...

Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom.

Although, I have,in fact, been lying to my kids for years but I never thought to inform other mom's.

Sugar and Ice said...

Mmmmm...cheesecake sounds so good...especially for $1.50.

Bren said...

Oh yeah, Cheesecake Factory for $1.50 ROCKS!

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Having seen the pits in question, I just want to rush over & give you a Dora band aid. BUT, knowing this could send LM into Knute hysterics, I'll just send you a plurk kissie.

CPA Mom said...

I don't know about those razors but the hair trimmers? Can be your best friend with "other" hair. Just sayin'.

Colleen said...

Knowing how bad I sweat when I'm pregnant, it was better for me to scream like a banshee than be arrested for being a public nusiance with my PG BO.

Rosie : ) said...

I have to suggest something else, coming from personal experience...

- Never try to shave your armpits (or "other" hairy regions) dry.

Just a thought. :)