Wednesday, July 09, 2008

911, What's Your Emergency?

I believe I have officially been blacklisted from 911. Should I call 911 in the future, I will get a recording that will say something along the lines of "Catwoman, we know you think you're doing your civic duty, but please go back to dreaming of chocolate glazed donuts and the dimples in Paul Walker's ass and hang up the phone now."

I couldn't write this post last week, simply because there was a mad man on the loose in Dallas, one who had shot at 5 or 6 cars. No one had been killed or seriously injured, miraculously, but I still didn't feel comfortable writing this post where it might seem like I'm making light of the situation. For the record? Only thing I ever make fun of is myself. And my husband, because hello, he's a man, how can you not mock him. And Little Man, because why would you have children if you're not going to use them as blog material? Makes you understand a little better why the pope's against birth control. He's just afraid the world's going to run out of blog material, is all. The pope, he's really into reading blogs. Little known fact.

But back to the matter on hand.

Last week, a Dunkin' Donut opened by work. I noticed that it had opened just as I was on my way to a doctor's appointment. One where I was going to be weighed. I knew that I had to deny myself the yumminess of the donut, because seriously, weighing in is bad enough without an extra 500 calories of carbs and fat in your belly and icing drying on the corner of your mouth.

But I promised myself that I would celebrate another successful weigh in at the doctor's with a donut. This is where if I still had any male readers, they would be confused by this statement. Luckily, I scared them all away months ago when I discussed vijayjay oozing, so it's all good.

On the way back, I stopped at the Dunkin' Donuts and hummed and hawed for about 10 minutes trying to pick the perfect celebratory donut.

I chose a Boston Cream Donut and was on my way. By the time I'd left the parking lot, I'd already taken my first bite, but I was stunned to find that it contained no yummy cream filling. Deciding I must have bit the donut on the wrong side, I rotated it 180 degrees and bit on the other side. No cream again. By the time I had eaten the whole donut, it was clear something tragic had happened and I'd gotten no Boston Cream in my donut.

I briefly considered going back, but terrified that they'd simply give me another donut, which would help make my ass even bigger, I figured I just needed to mourn and move on.

Until the next day, where I decided to take the whole office down with me and get a dozen donuts for the office. Because I'm sweet like that.

So I come out of the Dunkin' Donut parking lot, which is across the street from my company's campus and sitting at the red light right by work, I notice the license plate in front of me, because it starts with the letters BFF. And I think how cute! I wish my license plate said BFF!

When I look up, I notice that it's a Honda Prelude, the car all of the newscasts have mentioned is the model seen in all the shooting, and on the back window, someone has drawn in shoe polish the words "I'm sorry" and the image of a gun.

I think to myself "well, that's really weird!"

When the light changes, I find myself next to the vehicle, since I had to turn into the campus and on the driver's window of the vehicle, the owner has written "Fate has chosen YOU!"

My blood stops cold. The news reports of the shooter start flashing through my head.

Part of me thinks that it's just someone who thinks the situation is a big joke, because if you were some crazy gun happy person, would you advertise it on your car?

The big part of me is disturbed, and the thought of all these people who see something weird and do nothing about it haunts me, and I decide that I couldn't live with myself if something happened.

So I call 911. And this is the conversation that occurs:

- 911, what's your emergency?

- Uhm, yeah, I was sitting at this light and the driver of the Honda Prelude in front me drew a gun on the back window.

- He drew a gun? Who did he point the gun at Ma'am and what is your exact location?

- Oh, he didn't point the gun at anyone, it's in shoe polish.

- (pause) Ma'am, I don't understand. Did he point the gun at you?

- No, because it's a drawing of a gun on his back window in shoe polish.

(awkward pause) I just thought it was freaky and he wrote on the side window "Fate has chosen you."

- Ma'am did he point a gun at you or anyone else?

- Uhm, no, it was just a drawing.

- He pointed a drawing of a gun?

- No, there was no pointing, he was, uhm, driving. I just thought I should call it in if there was a cop around to stop him. Because of the, uhm, shootings. And just in case he was the guy behind the shootings who'd just gotten brazen enough to advertise he's the guy.

(awkward pause)

- Well, ma'am, you'll be glad to know that a suspect was arrested in the shootings last night. But let me get your information in case the police want to ask you any more questions."

Moral of the story? When someone has the drawing of a gun on their car in Texas, don't call 911 and use the words "someone drew a gun."

And for the record? Those donuts I got? They had the Boston Creme in them. And they were really, really good.




monster's momma said...

How scary! and funny!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

The Common Sense Police really should have arrested the moron in the Prelude. I mean, c'mon. Drawing a gun on your car window with shoe polish instead of poster paint? That's just stupid.

OK, drawing a gun with anything is stupid.

And, now I want Dunkin' Donuts. I think this makes Exhibit B in my "if the Mii fits" case.

AndreAnna said...

Two words: Only you. ;)

Scary, but glad it was nothing.

Poltzie said...

I had a Boston Cream without the cream once too. I went back and complained - it was at Tim Hortons though (they always fuck up my donuts though)!

Morgan said...

......that's really, really scary...


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I'd say blame it on your pregnancy, but I think I'd have done the same thing. And I am not pregnant. Not even a little!


Kathryn said...

That is scary! I would have called too. ;)

Sandi said...

mmmmmmm...bring those donuts closer to MY side of Dallas, please....

justmylife said...

I am glad it turned out well. But that was too funny and scary at the same time. I guess I would have called the police too, I mean come on a gun drawn on the window, this person can't be OK. Atleast the donuts were good.

beach mama said...

Having been a police officer and a 911 dispatcher for many years I seriously laughed my ass off thinking of what could have been going threw HER head!!

I am so glad you were safe! Always call if you see something odd like that. Too many people probably saw that and decided 'someone else will call'. And they could have been a bad guy.
And trust me, we (dispatchers) had heard it ALL. And no, saying 'someone drew a gun' probably wasn't the best way to say it. LOL!!!

beach mama said...

Oh, and BTW. Just to be correct...we changed "WHAT is your emergency?" to "WHERE is your emergency?" years ago. The powers that be decided if the police at least had a location of the crime in progress and the phone gets disconnected they still know where to go. :)

beach mama said...

Sorry sorry, me again. It may be just Jersey, with the 'where'. Not sure. I forget sometimes you are in TX. There are a whole other set of rules out there! ;) said...

Okay. WHAT would posess you to stoop to eating a Dunkin' Donut? There's a reason they fled with their tails between their legs. They are GROSS. Such a New England kind of donut. NAsTY. The gun thing? Sounds JUST like you.

Got the 8/30 shift with ya.

J said...

I thought of you earlier this week. I was driving South on 281 and I was just about to go through Mineral Wells. I looked up and there was some flags in front of this house, a big Texas flag and under it? A little Canadian flag!

Hope you are doing well.

PS. I totally would have called 911 too!!

Colleen said...

I would've shat myself if I saw that car, especially after the DC-Sniper we had several years back!

And to calm & console myself, I probably would've eaten all the dang Dunkin' Donuts. I think I'm going to have to stop on the way home for some...I could use a good jelly donut right now.

Marmarbug said...

I am laughing right now! Only because you sound JUSt like me when I call someone I am not sure I should call. I do a lot of ummm and haw and sound like a goob.
I love where she asked if he held up a drawing!!!!

At least yo had a doughnut.

Emma in Canada said...

Oh how I laughed at this post.

Like AFF i eewwwd at the Dunkin Donuts. I do love me a Boston Creme but it must be Tim Hortons.

Julie said...

I think I just peed myself laughing. That would ONLY happen to you! : )

Becca said...

yeah, that would kinda of creep me out too.

the planet of janet said...

did someone say donuts???????

Susan said...

I don't know whether to celebrate the fact that there's someone else who did what I would have done or cry because it all turns out in a predictably retarded way. The empty donut puts it over the edge! I'm so sorry for you but so glad that I got the laugh!

Anonymous said...

I'd have crapped myself right there. And would've then been pissy that said crap ran down my legs and ruined a great pair of shoes. And then would've pulled the driver from his car, beaten him about the head and shoulders for being a tool and THEN would've called 911 and reported it.

But, I'm from NY. We're crazy like that.

I must admit, I love AFF, but not sure she and I can be friends any longer after her crack about Dunkin' Donuts donuts. :)

Anonymous said...

So... did the police call you back with any more questions??!!

(BTW, I'm sitting here, ignoring my screaming kids - okay, just Michael - totally laughing out loud.)

M said...

I want a donut.

That Chick Over There said...

Um really. That's just insane.

Jordan said...

I would have been freaked the crap out! And hopefully called 911 too. I'm the kind of person who tries to memorize the faces and outfits of random skeevy people in case they turn around and murder the whole street and the police think I'm a tool for remembering NOTHING.

And mmmm, donuts. I've never even been to Dunkin Donuts, but you must still harbour a place for Tim Hortons and their 60 cent mounds of lardy goodness and tiny frosted Timbit babies.

Emily said...

Doctor's weigh ins don't really count in my book....I have a broken scale at home that reads 114 no matter what...Those need to be on the market.

Heidi said...

Oh I would have freaked! I was in Dallas for the past 3 weeks & was scared to death of that maniac. I looked at every little black car, so I can understand you getting nervous. I think you did the right thing. On a side note, I would have cried if I got one donut & there was no cream filling, that would mean I ate all the other stuff just to get to nothing.

Lynda said...

Girl, you are a hoot - sounds like you're well on your way to becoming an official Texan ;-)

(trust me - I am a 7th generation Texan... we know!)

Haphazardkat said...

i'm convinced that 911 operators are morons...

CassJustCurious said...

I think that there should be a rule about food not counting when it doesn't meet expectation. A creamless Boston Cream donut is like not have a donut at all. At least you were able to resolve that it was a freak accident and not there way of skimming prices.

Rachel said...

OMFG!!! That is the funniest thing I've read today!!!!!! Possibly all week!

Poodlehead said...