Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Pregnancy Love

Things that I love about this pregnancy:

- I actually look pregnant this time, and strangers ask me if it's my first baby, something that never happened with Little Man, because I just looked like I had a giant beer gut.

- I'm in the second trimester, the best time to be pregnant, when you don't feel too big, the morning sickness is gone, birds are singing and rainbows come out of my butt.

- I get to wear a maternity swimsuit, the muumuu version of the bathing suit. So this summer, I don't have to be at the beach sucking in anything and feeling vulnerable. I'm more covered than an Eskimo in the dead of winter.

- I can make requests and people rush to save me. Like on Saturday, I was at a work event outside and I felt too lazy to go figure out where the water bottles were, so I just got on the radio and asked that someone bring me water. Within two minutes, three people had come to rescue the dehydrated pregnant woman. This must be how J. Lo. feels every day of her life.

- My lactose intolerance has gone away, just like it did with Little Man. Hello breakfasts consisting of a bagel with cream cheese and four string cheeses.

Bad things about this pregnancy:

- I poop approximately 8 times a day. I have taken regularity to a whole different level.

- My belly is getting to the point where it's too big for me to sleep on my stomach. Do you know how much I love to sleep on my stomach?

- People's freaking elbows. Why is it they all seem out to get my Tiny Man?

- I'm at an all-time high with my weight. Not surprising, considering I started this pregnancy five pounds lighter than when I delivered Little Man. Damn you toddler food leftovers...

- I have gased myself almost to death numerous times in our enclosed shower.

- My butt hole is constantly itchy. I'm serious, you have no idea how freaking itchy that thing is.




Melissa said...

Yay for cute preg bellies! Use it girl, get all the water bottles delivered to you that you can. Work it! Work it! Work it!
PS - For the itchy bum try baby wipes. :)

Chas said...

Wow, I'm shocked you've been able to sleep on your tummy this long. I'm not a stomach sleeper to begin with, but I've been way past even the option of stomach sleeping for quite some time this pregnancy...of course, there's two in there, so maybe that makes a difference.

Your butt hole itches? Gee, that's an itch you can't exactly scratch, huh? Good luck with that, lol.

AndreAnna said...

You crack me up!

I never had a change in my bowels, thankfully. LOL

I miss sleeping on my stomach almost as I miss normal non-circus-act sex.

Maybe more.

AndreAnna said...

P.S. Your itchy bunghole is most likely due to small internal hemorrhoids, which I bet has something to do with the 9843 times a day you go.

Try witch hazel wipes after you go or when you get "the itch"

OMG, did we just discuss this?

Kathryn said...

I think my list would be very close to yours.
Have you tried wiping your itchy butthole with Tucks medicated pads? It really does help stop the itch.
Good luck!

Marmarbug said...

Ouch on the itchy butthole. So uh, what did you DO to get that? HMMMMMMM?

And I would TOTALLY use the preggo thing to get servants. Heck I did it throughout my pregnancy. I was just so....tired. Not lazy. No way not me not ever!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Anyone that has EVER complained that I ocassionally discuss fecal particles floating around the bathroom or errant pubic hair, need to shut the hell up. I have NEVER discussed farting like that, shitting like that or having a butt hole that would only find relieve by backing up to a prickly cactus.

I think they should ALL apologize to me!!


the planet of janet said...

i think i love you.

Anonymous said...

I do believe this post made me want to stalk you even more :)

The itchy hole? SUCKS!! Pooping 32 times a day? Well, that's just crappy.

Having servants, however, is a big pick me up and makes the itchy hole and poop dilemma slightly easier to deal with.


A's Mom said...

I totally agree with the sleeping on your stomach... and don't forget the toddler food. Maybe we give them the extra food subconsciously because we know they won't finish it therefore making it ours to consume for them. Maybe not. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

itchy asshole?

remind me not to smell your finger anytime soon...

Susan@stopcallingmethat said...

I can't really offer any advice because I'm laughing so hard! I do agree with the commenter who said you're probably suffering from internal hemorrhoids. Have you discovered Diaper Goop? Awesome stuff that works for this walker and my biker husband like a miracle. Oh, yeah, it worked in hours on our babies' butts, too. I'll send you some if you want...

Sandy said...

I loved the first half of this post and LMAO at the second! Thanks.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

maybe you should use some of little man's butt paste on your itchy butthole?

monster's momma said...

I second tucks.
Also, did no one ever tell you butt rainbows have a laxative effect?! ;)

justmylife said...

Itchy butthole, pooping 8 times a day, could it have something to do with rainbows shooting out of your butt?
And use all the slaves, I mean helpers you can find! heh!

Rachel said...

I don't recall have an itchy ass while I was pregnant, but I didn't have rainbows coming out of mine either.

That Chick Over There said...

I just wish I was as regular as you.


Bren said...

I could never sleep on my stomach for that long.

The Tucks do work wonders for the itchy parts.

Emma in Canada said...

Itchy bum? Hope you don't hav epin worms!

I slept on my stomach my entire pregnancy. Maybe that's why Sophie is such a troublemaker. I squished her.

beach mama said...

I am seriously laughing my ass off!! Between your post and all your comments!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I too became much more regular. I too have itchy ass. I have been using baby wipes, but maybe I should get some of those Tucks.

I also have been having sneeze/cough/smile and I pee myself. I have been wearing Poise pads for months.
And don't get me started on the heartburn.
I should do my own post with my ailments. ahahaha

Blue Momma said...

I'm glad you are feeling great! And, having actually finally seen you, you look great, too!

I sorely miss all the attention I got while pregnant. I don't think I opened a door or carried anything other than my purse for nine months!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I don't think I pooped 8 times the entire 10 months I was pregnant. I'm sort of jealous of your magical pregnancy poopy ways.

Colleen said...

I felt inclined to confess that I have the itchy butthole, too...it started just before I got pregnant with Cooper and only let up some recently (he's nearly a year old, so we're talking 2 years of itching the hell outta my butt). I have no idea what causes it or how to alleviate it. One of my doctors gave me some antifungal cream and I was all "do I have mushrooms growing outta my ass?"..but then I saw all the helpful reader suggesting the tucks...and I think I have some leftover from my postpartum days. 'scuse me while I go try and relieve the incessant itching.