Friday, June 13, 2008

A Letter to my Happy Place

Dear Target:

Have I told you lately how much I love you? I haven't? Well, I guess that I assumed that the fact that I lick your front door in appreciation every time I come was enough to get the message across, but if it wasn't, I have to tell you now that I love you, and that if you weren't so big, I would totally kick Satan's Dog off the bed and let you share my body pillow instead.

Being around makes me happy and brings out the best in me. When I'm visiting you, Target, I feel like I'm a better mother, as Little Man and I always have the best time at your store. We're both relaxed, and happy and he lovingly pushes your beautiful red cart and points out items on the shelf and I think that someday, Little Man will look back on his childhood and he won't remember that time we took him to Sesame Place and Cookie Monster tried to steal his corn dog and made him poop himself, but he will remember all those visits to your dollar bins, where he's allowed to pick out anything he wants, and then has to be talked out of the adult size 9 American flag flip flops he lovingly picked out, and distracted with a Nemo magic marker board instead.

Your aisles are so nice and wide, Target, and filled with treasures and bargains and non-chemical natural cleaners. Have I told you how much I love your Method products and that I would drive to the ends of the Earth to buy your Method brand hand soap? Oh how I love it so, I would drink it if I weren't afraid of drowning in a sea of bubble farts inside my cubicle.

And then yesterday, Little Man and I ate your frozen barbecue chicken pizza, and neither one of us are proud to admit this, Target, but between my pregnant ass and Little Man's underwear clad hiney that can't hold his pants up, we ate the whole thing. And then we collapsed on the couch with a happy sigh, because seriously, what do you make that pizza with, cocaine or prozac? Because it was the happiest eating experience I had since the Tex-Mex buffet I had for lunch on Wednesday.

I love that your cashiers actually seem to like working for you and that they always talk to Little Man and treat him like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, because he obviously is and people who don't recognize this have no soul. It makes me happy to spend obscene amounts of money in a place where the employees have a soul.

Oh and I need to talk about your store-brand hummus too. I'm not sure what heaven's like, but I'm pretty convinced at this point that it's filled with clouds covered in your hummus and I will spend all of eternity with pita chips just trying to scoop up all that creaminess.

I want to thank you for having two locations within 10 miles of my house and two locations withing six miles of my work.

I can't imagine ever wanting to not visit you. In some ways, you are my first child, the first one I loved the moment I laid eyes on it. When I first discovered you upon moving here, my mother came to visit me about a month after I had arrived to Texas. In the three days of my mother's visit, I believe we stepped through your doors a total of five times.

When my mother returned to Canada and was asked what Dallas is like, all she could say is "I don't know, all I saw was Target." Which she now understands that really, this is all there is to see in Dallas.

Right now, I'm wearing a yellow maternity shirt that I bought from your pregnancy section a few weeks ago. I believe I will wear out this shirt before this baby even arrives, as I wear it the second it has been washed. It's bright and airy and is fun and makes me feel like a sexy goddess of love, even if I have a soccerball attached to my midsection. When I wear this shirt, I feel like I glide everywhere and look happy.

So in case I don't say it enough, I love you Target. I love everything about you. I love your ads with their breathy version of "Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles and their funky bright visuals. I love the shade of red you've chosen, and would happily paint a red bullseye around Old Dog's right eye to make him look remotely like your mascot.

Your biggest fan after Kellie,

Catwoman.

22 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Frozen pizza makes you THAT happy? It MUST be made with crack!

Hallie :)

AndreAnna said...

I do believe I own that yellow maternity shirt and wore it last week in my 33 week shot.

However, it is dangerously close to no longer fitting and my brain just won't allow me to buy a XXL, so I may very well wear this one until the crescent of my belly shows!

When we go (which is at least once a week) I get the kid a popcorn and a smoothie and she is happy as pie the whole time!

Rachel said...

Ahhhh, Target.

Kellie said...

There is no other way to express one's love for the Mothership than by licking the doors as we arrive and dropping mad amounts of money. Like last night? I went in for diapers, allergy meds and battery charger thingies for the Wii. Somehow, I walked out with all of the above, plus a new vaccum, a new bathing suit, three outfits for Morgan and a crapton of Method cleaners and most likely a few other things that jumped into my cart. When Jimmy asked how I managed to spend just under $400, I had to think fast and say "inflation, dude. Price of gas is up and so is everything else."

Some just don't get the love affair we all have with the crackhouse.

:)

Morgan said...

There are so many Super Targets here, in Colorado. I swear there is one every 1.5 miles. They are WONDERFUL! :)

Becca said...

The very first one in Alaska is opening in October, less than 1/4 mile from my house. I am almost sick to my stomach with anticipation.
My husband is relieved because now we can go on vacation in the Lower 48 without having to visit every target in a given metro area.

Nina Diane said...

awww.....the love affair with Target. Really cool that my Johnny boy shares that love with me!!

Kathryn said...

One of my best friends is the store manager of a SuperTarget. I think I may just direct him to your blog.
Ahhh. Target! :)

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I love it. Although that employee who didn't even help me with the pee in the aisle incident did mar my visit several visits ago.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

You're going to come back and bitch slap hubby if he makes the wrong organ decision? I LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE!!!!

Hallie

Emma in Canada said...

I hate when people write posts about Target, because, as you are well aware we do not have Target here. My jealousy knows no bounds. We do have Method products though, at Canadian Tire and Safeway. Their leather cleaner works even better than Huggies Wipes.

I'll trade you one Target for 10 Tim Hortons.

Gerbil said...

See, why does everyone else get Target Love and I get the Target From Hell??? Clearly I need to move.

That Chick Over There said...

I just stay away from Target. The result would not be good if I went in.

Bren said...

"Oh how I love it so, I would drink it if I weren't afraid of drowning in a sea of bubble farts inside my cubicle." -Hilarious!

squishytushy said...

When, oh when, for the love of God and all other holy creatures, will Canada FINALLY get herself a Target she can call her own???

Life. It's just not fair.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Oh, Target. I love ye so much that I donate half my paychecks to the cause. That time I did a consulting gig with you, you got back 100% of what you paid me. It seemed only fair.

Now, could you please open a Target Greatland within a few miles of my house? I know you aren't all Great in PA, what with our stupid alcohol laws, but I would totally stop cheating on you with Wal-Mart if you were just a little bit closer. That 15 miles distance between us now is just far enough to make you a weekly destination, rather than a daily destination.

Colleen said...

I have two that are 5 miles aways from my doorstep and a new one just opened 3 miles away. It's obscene how often I go now that one is only 3 stoplights away!...doesn't help it's a Supertarget, so it's got the grocery...and the Starbucks. And since I suck and forgot to pick up my husband's father's day gift this week, I will be there when they open at 8am tomorrow...

Kristi O said...

Preach it sista! I thought I was the only one who was having an affair, I mean really TARGET is better than..... okay well....
I have to drive 100 miles to get to mine but that doesn't matter, there is a sonic right next door!!!

David said...

Wow. I'm not sure if I should be in awe of Target or afraid.

Which pre-nate vitamins are you on again?

Marmarbug said...

I love me some Target. That place just draws me to it.
It's like a disease.

Julie said...

They ought to send you a gift card for that ode!

Poodlehead said...

You are brilliant! I have to say yours is the best blog I read - simply hilarious.