Have I told you lately how much I love you? I haven't? Well, I guess that I assumed that the fact that I lick your front door in appreciation every time I come was enough to get the message across, but if it wasn't, I have to tell you now that I love you, and that if you weren't so big, I would totally kick Satan's Dog off the bed and let you share my body pillow instead.
Being around makes me happy and brings out the best in me. When I'm visiting you, Target, I feel like I'm a better mother, as Little Man and I always have the best time at your store. We're both relaxed, and happy and he lovingly pushes your beautiful red cart and points out items on the shelf and I think that someday, Little Man will look back on his childhood and he won't remember that time we took him to Sesame Place and Cookie Monster tried to steal his corn dog and made him poop himself, but he will remember all those visits to your dollar bins, where he's allowed to pick out anything he wants, and then has to be talked out of the adult size 9 American flag flip flops he lovingly picked out, and distracted with a Nemo magic marker board instead.
Your aisles are so nice and wide, Target, and filled with treasures and bargains and non-chemical natural cleaners. Have I told you how much I love your Method products and that I would drive to the ends of the Earth to buy your Method brand hand soap? Oh how I love it so, I would drink it if I weren't afraid of drowning in a sea of bubble farts inside my cubicle.
And then yesterday, Little Man and I ate your frozen barbecue chicken pizza, and neither one of us are proud to admit this, Target, but between my pregnant ass and Little Man's underwear clad hiney that can't hold his pants up, we ate the whole thing. And then we collapsed on the couch with a happy sigh, because seriously, what do you make that pizza with, cocaine or prozac? Because it was the happiest eating experience I had since the Tex-Mex buffet I had for lunch on Wednesday.
I love that your cashiers actually seem to like working for you and that they always talk to Little Man and treat him like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, because he obviously is and people who don't recognize this have no soul. It makes me happy to spend obscene amounts of money in a place where the employees have a soul.
Oh and I need to talk about your store-brand hummus too. I'm not sure what heaven's like, but I'm pretty convinced at this point that it's filled with clouds covered in your hummus and I will spend all of eternity with pita chips just trying to scoop up all that creaminess.
I want to thank you for having two locations within 10 miles of my house and two locations withing six miles of my work.
I can't imagine ever wanting to not visit you. In some ways, you are my first child, the first one I loved the moment I laid eyes on it. When I first discovered you upon moving here, my mother came to visit me about a month after I had arrived to Texas. In the three days of my mother's visit, I believe we stepped through your doors a total of five times.
When my mother returned to Canada and was asked what Dallas is like, all she could say is "I don't know, all I saw was Target." Which she now understands that really, this is all there is to see in Dallas.
Right now, I'm wearing a yellow maternity shirt that I bought from your pregnancy section a few weeks ago. I believe I will wear out this shirt before this baby even arrives, as I wear it the second it has been washed. It's bright and airy and is fun and makes me feel like a sexy goddess of love, even if I have a soccerball attached to my midsection. When I wear this shirt, I feel like I glide everywhere and look happy.
So in case I don't say it enough, I love you Target. I love everything about you. I love your ads with their breathy version of "Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles and their funky bright visuals. I love the shade of red you've chosen, and would happily paint a red bullseye around Old Dog's right eye to make him look remotely like your mascot.
Your biggest fan after Kellie,
Friday, June 13, 2008