Thursday, June 26, 2008

Learning my Way Through This World, One Mistake at a Time

I've posted before that this pregnancy has been crazy, and by crazy I mean I poop more than a pet rabbit.

I've literally had to get over my aversion to pooping at work, simply because I do it anywhere from five to six times a day.

I'm not freaking kidding you. If you work in my building, on my floor and use the same bathroom I do, you must be calling facilities complaining of the constant poop smell in there, thinking that maybe some decomposing body is stashed in one of the maxipad garbage cans.

But there is no such gruesome discovery to be made. It is only little moi and my unborn child who apparently thinks poop is so disgusting, that he forces my colon to empty itself the second it has a speck of poop in it.

I swear, at this point, I must have the cleanest colon this side of the grand canyon (I figure those celebrities and their love of enemas probably means I can't lay claim ot the whole US of A for my crown).

Last night, I went to happy hour with some colleagues, where I downed glass after glass of tap water with three limes, my new drink of choice these days, and I've obviously got a problem, because I had three glasses within a two hour time frame and yet still drove home. When we know that at any time, my need to pee could have caused me to swerve into uncoming traffic. I'm obviously very irresponsible.

At this particular place, they serve you the most awesome bean dip with their free chips. This bean dip is unlike anything I've ever experienced anywhere else. It's hot and soft and is a little like eating a kitten whole, but without the irritating meowing. I enjoy this bean dip so much, that I literally drooled over my work keyboard most of the day as images of me enjoying the bean dip popped into my head.

And this is where I become ashamed.

Because I have to admit to you, my loyal readers that I ate eight bowls of that bean dip by myself.

Yes, you read that right. Eight.

But it's all the damn waiter's fault. He kept bringing more. I would freaking inhale the bowl and before I had a chance to pick it up to lick it clean, he'd bring me a whole new one. Which I would promptly down. And suddenly, it became like a battle of wills, of who would tire first, him of bringing it, or me of eating it.

I can't say for sure who won, because I think halfway through the eighth bowl, my brain exploded from all the warm gooiness.

And then I spent the rest of happy hour sitting in that chair moaning in pain, as my swollen belly stretched my maternity silk skirt to a painful level.

I won't get graphic here, because of course, we all know that this is a family-friendly blog (BWA HAHAHAHA! OK, I'm done laughing). What I can tell you, is that when your body likes to poop and your entire dinner consists of three pounds of bean dip, you better have a damn strong sewer system.

Luckily, I've discovered that we do.

I think no one is more relieved than Sweetie Pie.




CPA Mom said...

sweet baby jesus, what an image.

i win the crown though. with crohn's, let's just say I'm very regular, many, many times a day.

Morgan said...

.....i don't know whether to laugh, cry or gag.

....all three at once, maybe?

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Being a poop camel myself (I almost never go and am damn happy about that!) I can not even imagine what is coming out of your body.

And I once again, thank the blog gods, that blogs are not scratch and sniff. Cuz I suspect you are UNDER EXAGGERATING about the smell associated with that much bean dip!


Jordan said...

The Boy refuses to admit that girls even poop at all, so I'm sending him over here stat. It should break his spirit once and for all, and the best (for me) way possible.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm seriously very jealous of this constant pooping that you are able to do. I've told you before, but I would have been happy to manage to squeeze out a couple of bunny turds once a week while I was pregnant. As if pregnancy isn't uncomfortable enough, having a giant hunk of poop stuck in you makes it worse.

It may stink in your house, but at least the stink ain't sticking.

Emma in Canada said...

Reading that post made me want to go sit on my toilet. Except that i don't need to go. It was just the though of the bran dip.

David said...

I find it.....oddly intriguing that in your post about constant pooping, the food of choice is BEAN DIP.....


Becca said...

"like eating a kitten whole, but without the irritating meowing."

oh my god I nearly spit out my coffee!!

the planet of janet said...

better than the alternative, hon.

nothing like a concreted colon to make you a cranky mommy!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Where was this place??! Good grief 8 bowls of bean dip? I imagine you've just lugged your whole cubicle into the bathroom today. Oh, and kitties? Yummy.

Kathryn said...

Ewws. That couldn't have smelled good. Bah...

Melody said...

Ok - I'm ignoring all the poop talk to ask

"Where was this place with the wonderful bean dip??"

'cause i'm really hungry today, and I'm all about food-gasming over some bean dip.

Screw it - I'll just have to go home and make some - although if it's not like eating whole kittens, well then really, What's the point??


beach mama said...

You are KILLING me!!! hahahahahahaha

I have the same 'regularity'. I think last time I didn't poop this much, but this time I looked at my prenatal vitamins and they have added a stool softener.
So, it could be your vitamins...or your diet!

Marmarbug said...

I could never crap when I was preggo. You really should donate yourself to science. I thought it was suppossed to make you constipated.
That being said - I am SHOCKED you made it home after all of the dip. I would have sharted on the way home!!!

Julie said...

I totally had the opposite problem when I was preg. I had to take those lovely expensive Colace pills and run to Taco Bell now and then for a little help!

random_mommy said...

ahhh yes... a catwoman poop story... always a delight!

Is it Pasado's or Mi Cocina? I miss Pasado's... and Mi Cocina.

That Chick Over There said...


You people are KILLING ME.

Anonymous said...



Okay. I'm thoroughly impressed.

The most I ever did was a half dozen bagels in the car on the way home from the bakery.

Four times a week. For like, 7 months.

Haphazardkat said...

8 bowls of bean dip---and we have a gas shortage?!
Girl--I bet if you took an image of your colon there'd be one of those hail mary images.
You could sell it on ebay to that casino!

Karen Cupcake said...

WHICH restraunt!?!?!
Poop not withstanding.. I want to try the bean dip!!

Bren said...

Ok, where is this place that gives you free bean dip? I must go!

justmylife said...

The post went a different way than I expected, I was leaning toward the gassy end. There is no way to say that without it sounding awful! I needed a good laugh and I knew this was the place to go. You and yur commenters are a laugh riot!

Colleen said...

I used to be like Finch from "American Pie" about poop...until pregnant with an uncontrollable craving for frosted shredded wheat. that and an irrational fear of being constipated, so even after the shredded wheat love abated I was still insane about getting adequate fiber because hanging out on a toilet trying to poop is very nearly my worst nightmare.

I'm a Mom!..? said...

So gross, yet so funny!