Monday, June 23, 2008

KY, Oh My!

Last night, Sweetie Pie gave Little Man his bath. I don't know what it is, but being left alone during that time with my thoughts makes me all hot and bothered. Don't tell Sweetie Pie this, because if he found out, he'd probably decide that he will take on bathing of the children duty full-time and I will spend the rest of my life walking like I've been riding on a horse with no name.

By the time Sweetie Pie came downstairs, the dogs had been kicked out to the yard and I'd changed into something that made it obvious that I wasn't interested to watch Next Food Network Star (I did Tivo it. I was h0rny, not temporarily insane).

The kind folks at KY Jelly had sent me their new K-Y Brand Yours + Mine.



I guess they figure with my being a hornbucket these days, that I would enjoy it. And they were right, because the commercials totally had me ready to run to the store to get some.

First, let's talk about the packaging. When you open it, the lube consists of two test-tube looking containers that are connected with a piece of plastic. When I opened it, Little Man shrieked with excitement and screamed "binoculars! You got me binoculars!"

Which is really, really kind of awkward, because how do you tell your 2 and a half year old that you didn't get him binoculars, but in fact, this is something for Mama and Daddy to get their freak on. I emailed Super Nanny and she assured me that you don't clarify, you just steal back said "binoculars" when Little Man goes to sleep and hope he never remembers them.

So Little Man spent the next two hours playing treasure hunt with his binoculars, which Sweetie Pie and I found way more amusing than anything on television. Right there, that totally would have been worth the purchase price. And yes, I know I totally should have caught this on camera and included a picture here. But it kind of seemed so wrong to post a picture of my child in a naughty post. Call me a prude...

Anyway, despite having the K-Y in our home for a few days, I have not been in the mood. Yes, I know, this is a little like me saying that I totally don't feel like chocolate right now. I can't explain it, ok, these hormones fluctuate. If Sweetie Pie can deal with it, you can too.

But last night was the perfect time to try some Yours + Mine. And so I was careful to apply the right tube to the right parts. Sweetie Pie's (the Yours) smelled minty and made me totally miss being able to drink mojitos. When I put it on my hands, they got really warm and I think that the Yours would make for an awesome massage oil (hint, hint, Sweetie Pie. Since he doesn't read this blog (or know about it), one of you should feel free to drop the hint for me. OK, AFF?)

Mine (the, uhm, Mine) didn't have a smell to it. I put it on and here's the thing. I didn't really read the directions. So I may have gone a little heavy with it, because sistah needs all the help she can get and we go through lube like a Hummer owner goes through crude oil.

Plus, it doesn't say this in the directions, but I'm guessing that if you have some, uhm, butt itching, you probably don't want to use this until all butt itching ceases. Because holy freaking crap, I felt like Paris Hilton, because I totally had fire crotch going. Except that my fire crotch was a little further back.

And then when we joined together, the chemical reaction between the two made it even hotter, to the point that I thought our smoke detectors might go off.

But after about 15 seconds or so, my body adapted to the third degree burn and then it was fun. Lots of fun.

And even better? The fun was much shorter, because it was a lot more fun for Sweetie Pie too, who is not about the quickie, because I'm guessing he figures he doesn't get it that often, so when he does, he wants it to last. Which is really funny, because if he'd just get it done with, I'd probably want it a lot more often, because I've got a short attention span.

Anyway. My point is that I need to get me to a pharmacy ASAP and get me some Tuck pads and get rid of the itchiness once and for all.

Then once I'm officially healed up, then, I will definitely try the Yours + Mine again and I think that it would totally be worth its price of admission.

And once the two containers are empty, I totally intend to send Little Man to my mother-in-law's with his 'binoculars', just for giggles.

Because I'm fun like that.

Love,

Catwoman.

24 comments:

Morgan said...

The commercials for that stuff make me giggle. I wanted to get some, but I wasn't sure how good it was. Thanks for letting me know, lol. :)

Emma in Canada said...

And here is why I love you: the whole paragraph about how if it was shorter it would happen more often. That is soooo me. I am all about getting the job done quickly. I mean, once I'm done do I really need to wait another 20 minutes for him to finish? I think not!

I was actually going to write a post about this stuff, wondering if anyone had tried it before I threw away my hard earned $10. So thanks, cause now I don't need to write the post and now I know I won't be throwing away $10.

the planet of janet said...

your husband doesn't know about your blog???????

(and yes, that slammed into my consciousness even louder than my pressing need to run to the pharmacy for my own set of binoculars!)

Melody said...

I went in search of this stuff a few weeks back, and couldn't find it. I had forgotten all about it, so thanks for the reminder...

LOL at the binoculars!! That is hilarious. I guess that means I would need to get two, since my kids fight over everything if they don't each have one...

Julie said...

Gives new meaning to "hunka hunka burning love!" huh?

CPA Mom said...

ok, i knew about the binoculars already from our chat but it still made me laugh outloud again.

as did all the inudendos, designed to fool the almighty Google into thinking this blog is not about P*rn but we know better.

Also? I'm with you on the shorter time period comment. Long live quickies.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW? WTH? How do you manage to keep that hot little secret?

You so crazy, Fire Crotch.

Kathryn said...

Very good to know. I was wondering about that stuff.

Sandi said...

The commercials totally got me curious, too, but now that I'm on bedrest, we don't get no nookie. These babies need to get here NOW.

Hear Their Everywear said...

That is freaking hysterical!
My little one would think they were binoculars too!
And thanks for the PSA about the usage amount. You have saved my crotch from the fire ;)

Haphazardkat said...

you know that your baby is gonna love spicy food now!
hehehehe

Daphne said...

I have been wanting to buy some of this too, but here it costs $15, so I've been waiting ... Not sure how much longer I can wait =)

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

You wuss. You said you were going to post the pic of the kid & his new toy. Hmm. And, your MIL? Would go apeshit.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Cat farts and burning platic do NOT smell the same.

What the hell's wrong with your nose?

Hallie

Poodlehead said...

Your new Indian name is Fire Crotch. Nice! I think mine would be Runs With Scissors.

justmylife said...

LMAO! I had wondered if it would be worth the money, now I know it would be! Thanks!!

Fire Crotch! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

~Denise~ said...

This is one memorable post. I'm going to be thinking about KY all day now. ;)

Marmarbug said...

Hey my hubby doesn't know either about my "secret blog life". He'd probably be pissed.

Anywho, KY and I never have gotten along. I always get itchy. Which is not hot considering the last time I used it I stopped Bud halway and said, "Uh could you move along my hooha is itching like mad!!!" Totally set the mood.
I am LMAO at LM using the stuff as as binoculars.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Susan said...

Hysterical! I can't wait to read your post about your mom and the binoculars!

Keri said...

A while back they had a coupon in the sunday press... my little one proudly ran around saying "mama... i want these crayons" and "crayons for me... i love them!"
I would have to really hide them if i got them, cause having ky all over the walls... not a good thing.

beach mama said...

Almost fell off my chair! That was hysterical!!!
I SO miss bathtime. Since construction we only have a shower, and I too relished in the 1/2 hr that daddy would bathe my Kid.

Colleen said...

I'm not even sure where to start...but I think you're holding out on us with that pic of him w/the binocs.
Otherwise, I'm thinking I'm ready to risk some Fire Crotchiness for a little "spice" in the bedroom.

That Chick Over There said...

Word.

Rachel said...

Amen sistah! I have been wanting to try that yours & mine. I am all about the shorter most of the time too.