Thursday, May 22, 2008

A Post About Toys... And I Don't Mean Little Man's

Last night, I was going through the mail at home, while Little Man was watching Dora in the other room. A thick envelope contained the new catalogue from the largest grown-up toy (if you know what I mean...) company. I always like to go through it, because how can you not, when you get to read descriptions of movies like Jane Blonde 007, where I think that someone went to college, more than likely on their parents' dime, dreaming of being a writer, and they spend their days writing descriptions of really hot co-eds who wear tool belts and nothing else.

As I was going through the entire catalogue a second time (and getting a little worked up, might I add, man are these hormones crazy), I spotted a very pregnant woman in a very sexy teddy. "Hey! They've got lingerie for pregnant women," I thought. But upon closer inspection, this was actually a movie. Featuring 8-month pregnant starlets.

I cannot imagine something more disturbing than discovering that your mother, while pregnant with you, shot p*rn movies. When I showed the item in the catalogue to Sweetie Pie when he got home (after Little Man was in bed and approximately 38 seconds before I tore his clothes off), he stated the fact that the starlets probably don't get maternity benefits.

Right. Either way? The idea of watching a pregnant woman getting it up the rear, is highly strange to me.

As I was looking through the catalogue, I also suddenly remembered a moment from earlier this week, and I can't believe I didn't blog about this before, but then I can, because I did have below the belt handle bar mustaches to write about and a monthly letter to post.

Little Man was going through his kitchen cabinet, the one that contains the body parts of many a sippy cup, none of which match and should probably be discarded. It also contains his plastic bowls and other non-breakable junk.

Suddenly, Little Man pulls out something from his cabinet and goes "Mama, what's that?" I peer down at him, to see that he's holding a very futuristic looking toy, that he obviously must have stolen from my nightstand at some point and stashed in the kitchen cabinet, because hey, you never know when Mama will have the in-laws over and if my life were America's Funniest Home Videos, you know that this situation would have only happened when the very conservative Southern Baptist in-laws are over.

And if that's not a sign that the universe loves me, that this situation would occur when it's just us at home, then I don't know how else to prove it to you.




Burgh Baby's Mom said...

The universe loves you because you make me spit out iced vanilla coffee on a regular basis. This time, however, you took things to a new level by freaking me the hell out with thoughts of pregnancy porn. There's really nothing funny about that image. Nothing. *shudder*

AndreAnna said...

Oh. My. Word! That is hysterical!

As for the preggo porn, it is disturbing to my brain at the moment, as I am almost 8 months pregnant and can't imagine looking sexy like, um, ever, let alone let a camera anywhere near my GIANT ASS.

I feel sexy most of the time, my husband loves my pregnant body, but that doesn't mean I want to see it on film EV. ER.

Emma in Canada said...

Is it just me or is Sweetie Pie getting lucky more now that you are pregnant than he ever did before?

CPA Mom said...

pregnant porn is wrong on so many levels.

the planet of janet said...

pregnant porn leaves me shaking my head.

the toys, however? my best friend buzz lightyear (to infinity and beyond ...) was once stolen by my then-10-year-old son. I figured it out when he zapped me in the back with it.

Daphne said...

om gosh! that last part has happen to me before too! when my son was 2, I found one of My toys in His toybox, lol.

Colleen said...

pregnant p*rn is just wrong...caught a glimpse of some stills of that stuff a long timea go and lemme just say NO!

Kathryn said...

I received an email advertising pregnant porn not too long ago. So gross. And sad. Yes, very sad. And disturbing. Ack.

Holy crap. Would your conservative in-laws even know what it was? Whew. At least you will never have to find out. Yipes!

monster's momma said...

did you tell little man it was an electric ear cleaner?

Morgan said...

Oh my! Pregnant p*rn. Wow. Heard of it, never actually seen it. And, yeah, we had my mail forwarded to Sparky's parents house, and they are Church Pastors, yesterday his mom called and told me that my Victorias Secret Catalog had arrived and did I mind if she hid it in the back room?


Stefanie said...

Okay, that post made me laugh through two crying babies and a toddler who is rubbing lavendar baby oil all over herself and now me.

Karen said...

There are some sick, sick people out there. Sick, I tell you.

Anonymous said...

Pregnancy porn is depraved. Freak an A. Gross.

And, damn, I'd have paid big bucks to see your hubby try to explain that one to his 'rents.

Joy T. said...

The universe does indeed love you and I love these posts so much I am now leaving a post-it note to remind me to STOP drinking tea when I read your posts!!

Marmarbug said...

Pregnancy porn? WTF? THat just freaks me out.
It really makes me wonder what sickos buy it!
Oh and the deal about your ahem toy. Yeah you got VERY lucky on that one.
I tossed my toys out when we moved the last time. Of course my hubby put them on TOP of all our other trash so that the garbage men saw them. And you know what? They TOOK THEM!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
I can see it now garbage man goes home and give his wife a used DILDO!

Rachel said...

Pregnancy porn is just wrong on many many levels and really really disgusting. I didn't even know it existed, but I suppose there are movies with women and men with animals, so why not.

I am waiting for the day that Alyssa brings something interesting out of our bedroom while we have guests.

justmylife said...

I shall comment later, when I can stop laughing!!!

That Chick Over There said...

Oh dear God.