Monday, May 19, 2008

Coming to a Country Bar Near You

There are many things that happen to your body when you become pregnant. Little by little, you lose the ability to sleep on your stomach. Sometimes, you get the irrational urge to kill someone, just because they looked at your French fries during lunch and you could swear they were going to steal one. Little by little, your belly button becomes shallower and shallower, reminding you of one of those plastic gauges they stick on turkeys that pop out to let you know the bird is done. But most importantly, you eventually are unable to see your bikini line. For a few months, you suddenly can no longer see the girly bits, making it easier to forget to groom because hey it no longer exists if you can't see it, right?

I decided that I'd actually shave the girlie bits on Saturday, because the weekend before, Sweetie Pie felt like he needed a weedwhacker to find the magic button. But being in a stand up shower unable to see what I was doing, I felt a little like a blindfolded artist. I did what I could and when I got out of the shower, I checked out my handy work.

And overall, it wasn't too bad.

I got the middle part down really, really good. Except that I'd missed a patch on each side.

At that point, I was too exhausted to get back in the shower, and I figured it would just have to do.

We get Little Man to bed that night, and I change into something sexy that I can still fit into, and 30 seconds later, Sweetie Pie defeats the purpose by taking the sexy teddy off of me.

And that's when he bursts out laughing. Which for the record? Never a good idea to laugh at a naked pregnant woman. Because we're a little bit sensitive, you know? Actually, scratch that. Don't laugh at a naked woman, period.

I hiss at Sweetie Pie and ask him what's so funny. And as he's standing in front of me, tears streaming down his face because he's laughing so hard, he tells me that I look like I have a handle bar mustache.

Which for the record? Is not so sexy on girlie bits.

From now on? I'm going back to getting waxed.




Anonymous said...

so. wrong. so funny, though.


Hopefully you didn't give him any. ;)

Julie said...

I just tried commenting and blogger ate it!

I was saying Sweetie PIe is lucky that in your pregnant state you let him anywhere near your girlie bits at all!

Haphazardkat said...

Tell him it was carefully sculpted for him so he has something to hang onto for"ride" ;)

jasie said...

oh man. that's the funniest thing i've read in a long time!

Marmarbug said...

I would have told him, "Laugh all you want. Mine will grown back. Yours well all of it is finsihed growing isn't it?"

I'd totall get waxed. You might shave an important piece off!!!

random_mommy said...

I accidentally shaved all but one side... when I laid on my side it looked like a Mexican man was talking to you. I even moved it and made it say "Hola ese, como esta?"
Husband was not amused.

random_mommy said...

I accidentally shaved all but one side... when I laid on my side it looked like a Mexican man was talking to you. I even moved it and made it say "Hola ese, como esta?"
Husband was not amused.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

There are two critical problems with this story:

1. You are CRAZY to still care about the land down under. Pregnancy is the only time in your life that you have a totally valid excuse to let the rainforest grow. Australia needs its rainforest, dammit!

2. You are CRAZY to still allow your husband to get sex. Pregnancy is the only time in your life that you have a totally valid excuse to avoid bumping fuzzies.

3. It ain't called "bumping fuzzies" for nothing.

the planet of janet said...

not sure which is funnier ... the post or the comments!!

either way, i let HIM do the grooming. then the density of the rainforest is his doing, and therefore no more complaining. (he had "threatened" me with the clippers once ... so i called his bluff.)


Rachel said...

That is exactly why Chris was in charge of that particular chore while I was pregnant. Of course, he could have shaved pictures and I would have known.

AndreAnna said...

Too funny.

Rachel is right, though. Mike is now in charge of trimming the hedges, as he has been since I lost sight of Mt. Hinterlands around week 12.

Becca said...

My hubby is completely in charge, mainly because I had a very similiar "mustache" situation.

Never been waxed, I'm not sure I can handle the pain!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my goodness. The comments? Are in rare form today. I'm with everybody else. WHY is he getting ANY. And, how dare he laugh at you.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Wouldn't the handle bar mustache come in handy? Couldnt he just hold on when things got rough??

Btw, I was a horny goat through both of my pregnancies. I wanted it now. AND A LOT. AND OFTEN. I was insatiable!


Anonymous said...

I was laughing out loud at the post. I snorted water through my nose at the comments.

I? Did all necessary bush wacking myself. It was quite comical to see me with one foot on the edge of the tub, a mirror in one hand and a razor in the other. Until the 7th month. Then? I went at it with Jimmy's buzz clippy things (and no, I didn't tell him). I would inspect my handy work in the mirror afterward and one would swear a drunken blind man had done it. By the middle of my 8th month? Screw that noise. If he wanted it that badly, he could deal with the over growth. I didn't care.

Bumping fuzzies. *snort*


Kathy said...

Yeah, laughing at a naked woman is certainly not a wise thing to time say something like, "You know that is really hurtful, I would never laugh at you...I mean just look, we've been married all this time and not once have I joked about what a small penis you have!" ;)

Lynsey said...

Hey it was a good try!


Anonymous said...

Bloody hell, you have a way with words!!

Too funny

David said...

What? No pictures?!?

Um, I'm more of a visual kinda sayin'....


justmylife said...

I have laughed so hard the dogs are wondering if I have lost my mind. I can't decide if the post or the comments are funnier!

I should hope after laughing he was banished from bumping uglies anytime soon. heh!

Joy T. said...

Oh good lord! Your post? Hilarious!!! The comments? I'm crying!!

Colleen said...

I did all my own grooming, but was never brave enough to view my handiwork. I also declared martial law through both pregnancies...LIGHTS OUT during the awkward romps in the hay. Didn't feel the need for him to see anything that would scare him and I really didn't want to see what strange poses we were forced into due to my 43-inch waistline. Lights Out probably saved our marriage.