Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Making the Day of a Customer Service Representative

Yesterday, I went to visit my father-in-law in the hospital with Little Man and my disloyal son decided that he wanted to ride with his dad on the way home, because apparently the moth infestation of my Jeep Liberty is not as fun to him as it once was.

Since I was by myself on the way home, with no toddler talking to me endlessly about pointer fingers and pinkies and thumbs and which one fits best up one's nose, I decided to be productive and call our insurance company to sign up for their maternity program.

Normally, I would never bother to do this, because after all, I've been pregnant once before and since I'm a research fanatic, I read everything baby related during pregnancy number one, to the point that I can still recite certain parts of What to Expect When You're Expecting.

But by signing up for the program, I get 250 dollars in my health fund from the company for free, which will help pay for one breakfast and lunch during my hospital stay when I have this baby.

I was in a cheerful mood, as I usually am and since the girl on the phone was pleasant, I went into maniacal performing Catwoman, the one who people either find hysterical or call the cops on.

For the record? This woman? Who was probably talking to me from a grey 5x2 cubicle loved me.

Some moments from our conversation:

Lady: "Is this your first pregnancy?

CW: No, it's my second. We're just not bright enough to figure out what causes this to happen.

L: What happened during your first pregnancy?

CW: Well, my husband got fresh with me, and next thing I knew, I was peeing all the time and gaining weight. 39 weeks later, I had a baby boy.

L: How much do you weigh?

CW: In my head, before this pregnancy or now?

L: Before this pregnancy.

CW: I tell her my weight. And I'm honest about it. Luckily, she doesn't think I'm joking here and therefore, she doesn't laugh.

L: How tall are you?

CW: 10 feet tall.

L: Well then, you're highly underweight, we'll have to hospitalize you right away.

CW: OK, I'm 5'3 and a half. Be sure to put the half inch in there, because it makes me seem less fat that way.

L: Are feeling depressed or upset about anything with this pregnancy?

CW: Yeah, all of my shorts from my first pregnancy are giving me a camel toe.

L: Has your spouse ever attacked you emotionally or physically since you've been pregnant?

CW: No. But if you ask me if he's ever been attacked, well then, the answer is quite different.

L: Well, I'm sure he deserved it, you are pregnant, after all.

CW: He did. Did you know there's a rule allowing pregnant women to throw large objects at their husband's head in most countries? Because there is. The US is way behind on this.

L: Is there a best time for our nurses to call you for phone check-ups during the pregnancy?

CW: Any time but lunch. I'm pregnant. If anyone dares to interrup my lunch, I'll be forced to throw something heavy at their head too."

I'm thinking that my file in the system now has the words COMPLETELY INSANE, HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE AND TRANQUILIZE WHEN APPROACHING.

Love,

Catwoman.

21 comments:

Krystyn said...

Oh, you had tooo much fun! Poor lady...she either thought you were crazy or laughed her butt off!

pam said...

OMG THANK YOU!!! Even though I shot a yogurt covered raisin at my screen. Now that, that was funny.

I'm sending it on to my friends if you don't mind...

Cass said...

SO HILARIOUS. I bet she loved you.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

$10 says she had you on speaker phone and the entire floor was listening in on that call. They are probably still talking about you as they sit around in their cubes, poking their heads out occassionally like groundhogs.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Shorts that cause camel toe MUST be destroyed. NOW.

Go forth and destroy.

Hallie

Bren said...

Hey, I bet she preferred you to the usual stuffy callers.

Julie said...

good God you are funny. you know she hung up and told all her cube farm friends about you.

Kathryn said...

That is hilarious! I love that she played right along with it. Too funny!

Emma in Canada said...

I don't know about it being legal to throw large objects at mens heads but did you know that in some (possibly ancient) cultures they tied a rope around the man's penis and the woman pulls on it everytime she has a contraction so that he can feel her pain? That would be right up my alley.

Slick said...

Awww...all I read was "cameltoe"

Sounds like you had her in stitches ;)

Kellie said...

I LOVED dealing with people like you when I was in customer service. It was so refreshing after dealing with butt wads for hours on end. I'm dying as I read this post...I needed a good laugh today and you? You delivered!!

Morgan Leigh said...

I'm sure she loved you. That? Was hilarious! :)

squishytushy said...

Customer Service Reps all over the country will be talking about you!!!

justmylife said...

Came over from your guest post at AFF. I am hooked!

The nurses will either be fighting over who gets you or who has to have you. heh!

Karen said...

I'm having a hard time wondering how you can get camel toe with maternity shorts. I mean, isn't the stomach kinda preventing this?

Elaine A. said...

Camel Toe! HA HA HA! Just came over from AFF's blawg...

I am 5'3' AND A HALF too - oh how I wish I was taller...

LaskiGal said...

Yikes. I thought attacking my hubs while pregnant WAS OK. Dang it!

Oh, I'm with Elaine . . . 5'3" and don't DARE forget my half inch. Though, I think I might be shrinking now . . .

Stephanie said...

Hilarious!!

I too came over from AFF's blog. I think I need to spend some more time here. Haha!

Marmarbug said...

Okay you have me hooked now. I am dying over here.

Rachel said...

Bwaaahahahaha!!! Now I really want to call you on the phone and ask you random questions!

Joy T. said...

I'm way behind and catching up on blog reading and wasn't going to comment on past posts but....but....AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!