Friday, April 25, 2008

Dear Bugs: You Are Not Welcomed Here

I've always been a nature lover. I'm from Canada after all. And when I say "nature lover",I'm saying I like trees in my backyard and squirrels I can give peanuts too. I'm not saying I like to sleep on the ground where there are snakes waiting to eat me or interested in having mosquitoes devour me alive while I'm squatting over a hole in the woods trying to poop.

I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

In Canada? I had no problems with most bugs. The spiders were little and friendly and couldn't poison me to death. They also shaved their legs, which made them seem less threatening, unlike the spiders here in Texas, who have hairier legs than Borat's mustache. When I first moved to Texas, for the first time in my life, I could understand how people could be afraid of spiders.

The spiders here? They are frightening. And really smart. As in if you hold a shoe in your hand, even across the room, they will spot you and they will run behind furniture and then they will leap at you as you approach so that they can test the strength of your heart or something.

Therefore, my strategy towards spiders has gone from being in Toronto, catching a spider, walking down for four floors and releasing it into the wilderness that is Uptown Toronto, to North Texas, where my strategy is now to scream like a little girl and kill it viciously and then call Sweetie Pie sobbing demanding that he remove the giant corpse from my view.

I'm sure somewhere Gloria Steinem is weeping at my reverting to the ways of women in the 50's. But Gloria's never lived in Texas and would surely consider this strategy to be very smart feminism.

Last night, Little Man and I had just finished a dinner of French wheat pasta called Ebly, because we're fancy like that and were settling down to watch the Top Chef episode I'd missed while in Hawaii, which Little Man calls "Mama's Cooking Show", which I personally find to be very flattering, considering my cooking these days consists of Kraft macaroni and cheese once a week.

Little Man suddenly says as I'm refilling my glass of water "look Mama! A spider!" This is not unusual around here, because Little Man sees spiders everywhere. All bugs (except for lady bugs) are spiders. Flies, grasshoppers, dog hair, all of these are called spiders.

But this time, Little Man was right and under my coffee table, there on my clean carpet was this vile creature about the size of a small cat, plotting my death.

I refrained from screaming, because I don't want Little Man to know that this poisonous beast will kill us all and that he'll never get to see Dora again.

So I casually go get a paper towel and tell Little Man to say goodbye to the spider.

He shrieks "No! Mama, it's my spider."

Oh is it now. Fine. We'll play this game.

The spider takes advantage of this situation and begins to scurry towards our TV cabinet so that it can multiply and have thousands of babies that will crawl out of the shower drain and eat me while I'm naked, so that the CSI guys can laugh at the largeness of my gut and the fact that I actually have cellulite near my belly button.

I cut off its path and direct it towards Little Man. "Little Man," I say. "If you want to touch the spider,then do so, but it has to go outside."

He decides that no, he does not want to touch it. I mean, hell, the kid rarely even wants to touch the cat, why in the world would he want to touch something that looks like it fell off of Lindsay Lohan's genitalia?

I explain to him that the spider has to go, but he keeps yelling at me to not hurt his spider! That the spider wants to live in his flower outside.

So, I had to gingerly pick up this spider with a paper towel, pray that it doesn't attack me and then carry it outside so that it could strategize how to get back into my house and crawl into my mouth while I'm asleep.

But I did it.

And there was no screaming.

But I'm pretty sure the experience shaved two years off of my life.




Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm so glad to hear that you and LM survived the latest spider attack. Dora needs each and every one of her minions, so I would have hated to have seen her army shrink.

monster's momma said...

brave woman! I would have smooshed it while doing my scared silly dance and poor katie would have been traumitized.

Kathryn said...

You are my freaking hero! There is NO WAY I could have done that! I would have smashed it to smitherines. Wow.

Anonymous said...

Spiders? No thanks. I have all I can do to deal with the small-ish brown-ish ones we have. Anything that resembles a small cat or looks like it fell off Linday Lohan's girly bits? You can have that!

I NEVER could've put the spider back outside. You? Rock!

Inzaburbs said...

Tell me about it...

My DH (otherwise known as The Daddy) read somewhere that there is spider, with a violin shaped mark on its back. If it bites you, it will leave a wound which will turn into a hole and eventually your flesh will rot away. Or something.

Unfortunately it is very easily confused with about a dozen *very tame* spiders with violin shaped marks...

So the constant refrain around our house - and not from me - is "Eek! A spider! And it's got a violin! Co-o-ome and ge-e-et it!""

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

You did smush it after putting it outside, right? You didn't take it out knowing it's now plotting how to get back into your house?

And, referencing LL's dirty bits? Freaking awesome!

Julie said...


Anonymous said...

Could you, would you, pretty please post a photo of one of these killers??

Kathy said...

It is SO hard to keep my cool when it comes to bugs! ESPECIALLY spiders. Ewww.

Lindsay Lohand genetalia...sick.

Poodlehead said...

Your unborn baby must've gotten one helluva jolt of anxiety. Maybe the baby will play Mozart by 1 now.

I catch things and put them outside. But spiders I mostly kill. If I do catch them it's with a glass and a postcard. I would have too many heebie jeebies with just a mere paper towel separating it from me.

Bren said...

LL's genitalia? Brilliant!

I would have had to smash the poaching spider.

Emma in Canada said...

So this is why you people have to have exterminations so often!

I'm currently reevaluating any possible trips to Dallas.

A's Mom said...

I am so there with you about spiders in Texas. While we lived in Arlington, I found... no, wait, my foot that was going into the shoe found a wolf spider! And you know how cats can jump straight up and turn? Yeah, well that's what my husband did when he heard me scream!

I hate spiders.

And by the way, you so get the gold medal award of Mother of the Year for that one... because I so would have lost it!

Nina Diane said...

Oh are one brave Mommy!

Haphazardkat said...

You totally win the Mom of the Century award---either that or a free express trip to the luni-bin! Catwoman, though art brave...and shall be called upon to travel to Washington and deal with any spider issue I might have in the future.

Joy T. said...

I am dying just reading this. But I can't decide if I'm dying of laughter or just dying at the thought of a spider. Because I too squeal like a little girl and dance all over the spider until it has made a nice smear mark in my rug. Either that or I call the dog and he comes and eats said spider.

~Denise~ said...

Ewwww. I can handle little buggies, but not the biggies. Or the ones that occasionally pop up in the shower.

Rachel said...

Just reading that shit made me shudder!!

You are a stronger woman than I. That spider would have met his fate in my house. Well, at the hands of my husband, not me.

floridagirlinsydney said...

Lived in TX, now in Australia-- home of the most deadliest animals and spiders in the world-- go me!
Dude, you think you have spiders-- you don't even wanna know.