Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Story You Already Know the Punchline To

So my story yesterday prompted many of you to ask for the full Mormon boss/bitch slapping story.

This is a little like me telling you that the ship sinks at the end of Titanic and you tell me "oh really? How awesome is that! Tell us the story of the Titanic sinking!"

To which I'd kind of be confused and say to you that uhm, this boat? It hit an iceberg with lots of rich people on board and poor people who liked to dance to cool music. And then it sank.

But since you've asked for the story, I will tell it to you. Again.

Simply because I have nothing better to post about.

So first, I should explain that this Mormon boss of mine? He's not really my boss.

Yeah, I kind of lied.

But I didn't really.

It was just easier to write down that he's my boss than the long convoluted explanation I'm going to give you. So I have this boss. He's in his 50's and he's married with three grown daughters. Anyway, he left last month to get knee replacement surgery, so he's been out for the last month.

One of my coworkers who's kind of my boss' second in command became our boss during the past month while Big Boss Man was out.

So Second-in-Command Boss is Mormon.

But not the kind that comes to your door and gives you bulemia brochures, like I was once given.

He's pretty cool. And he's kind of a rebel, because he drinks Dr. Pepper's like they're going out of style, which has caffeine in it, which we all know that that's the beverage of the devil himself.

But he doesn't curse. He has a wife and three kids and he coaches Little League baseball a lot.

So except for the Dr. Pepper sinning, he's your good old Mormon boy, who was sad when Romney dropped out of the race.

I try not to curse too much in front of him, just like I try to do in front of Baptists and old people. It's just called basic respect.

Oh, and young children. I try not to curse in front of those either, unless I'm really drunk and belligerent like at my 28th birthday at the hibachi grill. To the eight-year old boy sitting at our table with his parents, I apologize that I found the words "pussy fuckers" to be highly entertaining and used them approximately 32 times during dinner. But in my defense, those watermelon martinis were STRONG. All five of them.


Flash back to two weeks ago, I had just whipped somebody's ass and was feeling completely invincible. Also, being slightly hormonal, I was on a total endorphin high from showing that person who's boss and who's the moron (for the record, they're the moron).

I flew into my boss' office and proclaimed myself "the best bitch slapper evah!"

Which my boss? Thought was really, really funny.

But he did ask me what has gotten into me lately, to which he would receive that answer only a mere week later when I violently sobbed in his office.

And that is how I came to use the words bitch and slap with my Mormon boss.

The end.




Anonymous said...

At least he was cool about it and didn't proclaim you were going...YOU know...down there (said in a whisper).


Emma in Canada said...

But what was the incident that happened at work? That's what I want to know.

Julie said...

Wait, did I miss something - why were you violently sobbing? (I know I know, you prob want to bitch slap me for my awful blog following skills)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Why don't you swear in front of kids? I find them to be the best audience when it comes to trying out new cusses. If a kid blushes or is geniunely offended then -by God- I have found the perfect word to use (in my head) the next time my (lovely, sweet) MIL pisses me off.

Becca said...

"pussy fuckers"??? OMG. My boss just came in to see what was making me laugh so loud!!!!

Jesse said...

I just caught up on the last 3 posts-hilarious. Oh and what Little Man said-precious.

random_mommy said...

pussy fuckers IS a funny word!

Now tell the story of your 28th birthday at the Hibachi grill... I bet we can go on like this forever.

But seriously, tell it. I want to hear it.

Rachel said...

Pussy fuckers!!! LMAO!

I'm with random mommy, tell us about the birthday now!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm having a hard time trying to get past the pussy fucker line. And, are you going to give me some of your pee or what?

Sandy said...

OK, I was with you on pussy fuckers and I was with you on bitch slapping. Why does AFF want your pee? That's the story I want!!

I'm a Mom!..? said...

I would also like to hear that full story of the Hibachi grill.

Screw hormones, I cried yesterday because it was too hot in my house. Ugh!

Anonymous said...

hehe Glad I wasn't drinking anything when I was reading about "pussy fuckers"...

Anonymous said...



Joy T. said...

*snicker* pussy fucker *snort* I want to interview that child today because I bet he STILL talks about that crazy drunk lady at the restaurant when he was 8.

So tell me Charlie. What was the craziest thing you've experienced in your lifetime?

Well there was this one time. When I was about 8 and I was in a restaurant with my parents. And this really drunk lady? She kept saying pussy fucker. I told my parents I knew the words were wrong but I've used pussy fucker exactly 140,000 times since that day and I was popular all through school because of it. And to this day when I smell watermelon? I think of that lady.

Bren said...

Ok, after the pussy fucker, I was done.

Love me some watermelon martinis!

Lynsey said...

I love your sence of humor!

Karen said...

You are HILARIOUS. And a neighbor!! how fun! I live in Texas too... And I am SO jealous you get to write stuff like Pussy fuckers in your blog!!!!!!!! what I wouldnt give.......
you ever need another friend.. I have a need to rant... Please EMAIL ME.. ;o)) and you can take me to get a watermelon whatever it was you were drinking... I havent ever tried THAT!

Gerbil said...

Please come out here and bitch slap some people for me then... I have a list. And it really should be left to the professionals. ;)

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Nww I wish you hadn't told us... I had the story SO MUCH WORSE IN MY HEAD! I feel kind of let down now.

You can send me a Prada bag to make up for it.


Kathryn said...

HAHA!!! That was a great story! You tell it so well. Thank you for sharing. I needed that good laugh. :)