Monday, March 10, 2008

More Little Manisms and More Catwomanisms

On Friday, we got what is considered in Texas to be a ton of snow. I say this, because in Canada, we'd have thought the Storm of 2008 to simply be a coked up Amy Winehouse sneeze.

I watched the news carefully on Friday morning to see if Little Man's school was closed, unaware that the principal had sent an email the night before announcing that they'd open at 10 a.m., and when I saw nothing, I figured we'd leave half an hour later and be good to go.

So we show up at 8:30 a.m. and of course, the place is deserted. As I ponder what the hell is going on, a loud gasp comes from the back seat and Little Man exclaims "Oh my goodness! Little Man's school is broken!"


My boobies have been very sensitive these past few weeks, to the point where if you even look in their direction, it feels like you've punched me repeatedly with hands made of bricks.

The other night, I was having a tickling match with Little Man and he started shouting "Watch out Mama! Watch out for my boobies!"

Apparently I've been telling him so much to be careful with mine lately, that he figured he should start being concerned with his too.

My mother-in-law is having to watch Little Man overnight tomorrow, since both Sweetie Pie and I will be out of town on business. I can't wait until he tells her about his boobies. Because I'm fun like that


This morning, it became obvious that I have to quit my job and move across the country. No, I take that back, I need to move halfway around the world.

I arrived as I usually do on Monday mornings, overloaded to look like I am homeless and am moving into my cubicle full time. I was carrying the following:

- My laptop case, which is the size of a crouched-down angry teenager

- My fake Louis Vuitton purse, which is larger than my head and boobs combined

- My lunch bag, which consists of one of my re-usable grocery bags, filled to the rim with bottles of water, lunch, snacks and enough food to feed a small country.

With my hands very full, I got to our door and scanned my security badge. I began to attempt to open the door, which is very heavy and closes automatically for security sake, making it impossible to open it and walk through it. But hey, at least it's secure.

I put down my lap top case, which has an extendable handle that reaches about booty level, to better be able to open the door, pry it open with my foot and try to wriggle all of my loot inside.

An older gentleman arrived behind me and decided to help me by holding the door open for me. I reached back to grab my lap top bag as I was thanking him.

And promptly grabbed his crotch.

Because dude was standing right behind my laptop bag.

I did what any normal person would do. I fled for my life inside the building, hoping to never cross paths with the man again.


Tomorrow morning is D-Day, doctor day, also known as exploring Catwoman's Coochie with cold metal instruments day.

I will literally be racing from my appointment to the airport to catch a flight to Orlando, because this is my life. Actually, it's not, this is just a really weird work period for me.

So I won't be posting tomorrow until I get to Orlando. Since someone's decided to schedule a meeting for me almost after I land, so that I can feel special, important and loved, it might not be until tomorrow evening that I post.

But post I will, of all the gory details, including my attempts to not fart in my new doctor's face.




Ava said...

Hahaha Oh Little Man. I can only hope that his concern for other people's boobies extends throughout his life.

Julie said...

Oh my gosh - grabbing the guy's crotch. Hey, you might have made his day!

Safe flight to Orlando and hope all goes well at the Dr. appt.

Anonymous said...

I laughed SO hard at the grabbing of the crotch part that I startled Morgan. And then she doubled over in laughter. Even at two, she knows how funny Catwoman is :)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

You just know Crotch Guy spent the rest of the day bragging about how he's still got it. "My crotch! It's like a magnet, I tell ya'!"

Have a safe flight to Orlando, and I hope you manage to avoid topping my record of making 26 fellow passengers vomit simply by experiencing a wee bit of motion sickness courtesy of one tiny baby who doesn't know the meaning of SIT STILL OR ELSE. You might want to make sure there is one of those little bags in the seat back pocket, just in case.

Emma in Canada said...

Oh I so remember trying desperately not to fart at my OB appointments.

Damn men and their hand level crotches.

random_mommy said...

Husband will be trying to open doors for you a lot when we're in TX next time. Don't be alarmed.

Fart!!! How funny would that be! That would open the dialogue up for your OB to tell you about other patients farting in her face.

Rachel said...

I bet you made that guy's day!

Good luck at the OB and can't wait to hear about it and I hope you have a safe flight.

nottryingforaboy said...

Your whole post had me cracking up.

If you plan on nursing, just wait until Little Man lifts up his shirt and throws his chest into your newborn. My oldest decided that since I had milk, she had water.

AndreAnna said...

What? You don't normally grab men's crotches at work? I must be doing something wrong.

Good luck at your appointment tomorrow - can't wait for an update!

A's Mom said...

Snow in Texas... I remember those days. Atleast we don't have any snow here in VA.

How embarrassing! I'm sure he was smiling!

I saw give the doctor an SBD.... okay, maybe not that deadly as he does need to deliver your child in the future. :)

Anonymous said...

OKAY She so won't freak out if you do fart in her face, because when I told her I tweeze my black boob hairs, she didn't flinch. Just tell her you are friends with the other pg chick we know. She loves her.

Have a great trip to Orlando.

Lynsey said...

You crack me up!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Hope the coochie probing goes well!!

Hallie :)

Morgan Leigh said...

Haha. You are so funny. I would've been so petrified had I grabbed the man's crotch that I would've probably just stood there, not moving my hand..... turning red or something.

Chuck said...

I try daily to have my crotch grabbed while walking through doors with women. Unfortunately it hasn't happened yet. Maybe I'm walking through the wrong doors! LOL

Good luck with the travel and the OB farting.

Gerbil said...

I thought the Amy Winehouse sneeze was the Best Line Evah... until I got to the crotch-grabbing, and aspirated nearly 4 ounces of coffee and now the combination of wheezing out java from the bronchial tubes while trying to laugh is killing me... gonna just roll under the desk and expire. You'd think I'd have learned "Read First, THEN drink"

Blue Momma said...

I love you. And little man. I'm moving to Texas. Do you have an extra room for me and Punkin? This stalking from afar is just too much for me.

Seriously, you really should write a book and share yourself with the rest of the world. You are funny, too funny!

Jamie said...

Where the hell do you work, the CIA building? Sounds like you need to hire a Personal Assistant just to get to your desk.

I remember how much food I brought to work when I was prego. I also had snacks hidden all over in my desk. People would have thought I was stockpiling for the next WWIII. Don't let all the chubbie co-workers on Weight Watchers find out about all your snacks. When word gets out they will start stalking you. This is from experience. Sunddenly walking by your desk is the new route to the bathroom.

Oh yeah, No word on the goods you grabed? I feel sort of cheated.

That Chick Over There said...

Oh just fart on him. I need a good laugh.

I'm a Mom!..? said...

I love it!! Didn't Rachel on Friends do that to her boss?

Can't wait to hear about you farting on your Dr.

Becca said...

Just found your blog. I am Canadian, living in Alaska, and I have an almost three year old son too. I'll become a devoted reader, I think!

Kathryn said...

Don't worry about grabbing the guy's crotch. It was probably the highlight of his week. ;)

Jesse said...

I'm sure you made that guys day. I would be so embarressed but my luck I would end up seeing him everywhere.

Anonymous said...

The crotch part... was so funny I had to read it to my husband.

And everytime I go for a massage, I basically spend an hour trying not to fart. Very relaxing.

Poopydigs said...

crotch grabbing is considered sexual harassment in some parts of the country. ;)

such good time management!