Thursday, February 28, 2008

Beating People To a Pulp

Last time I was pregnant? I worked from home. This meant that I had human interaction with people outside of my husband approximately one to two hours a day.

At most.

Although it was kind of a lonely existence, it did allow me to eat bags of tortilla chips dipped in tubs of sour cream in front of the Young and the Restless in my pajamas without anyone judging me.

It also allowed me to hide from the world what a psycho path I had become.

I get a little cranky before my period. And by a little cranky, I mean I will tear your f'ing head off and suck out the creamy center of your spinal cord for looking at me funny.

Like I said. A tad cranky.

Me pregnant? It's like me having 10 periods at one time. The level of hormones in blood stream is so high, that I can literally see it pulsing in my veins. I dare you to tell me I'm exagerating. Seriously. You want a piece of me? Because I'll cut you, punk.

Anyway, where was I.

Oh yes. So I'm a tad hormonal these days.

But this time? I'm not in my home all day, email as my main vehicle for communicating.

This time I'm in a cubicle, in a building filled with 5,000 people, all who are looking for me to pull their liver out of their butt hole apparently.

I think I'm a lot like that toddler I spoke about yesterday, the one who beats up my ears with his screaming and the next lights up my whole universe with his big smiles, his hugs and his sweet as honey claims of "My mommy! I love my mommy!"

The only difference between the toddler and I is that I know the "f" word.

And I'm using it, a lot.

This morning? My work laptop made the mistake of not being able to connect to the server. Which meant I couldn't get on the Internet to do important work, like pay for the two pairs of Japanese Weekend capri pants I won on eBay gossip read blogs whatever it is I'm supposed to do today.

My boss had to literally talk me off the ledge because he found me standing over the atrium from our hallway (on the 6th floor may I add) ready to hurl my laptop to its death below.

In my review three weeks ago, my boss mentioned how nothing ever seems to fluster me and that I'm the most positive, enthusiastic employee he's ever had.

I'm sure he looked at me this morning, with my disheveled hair and this look of insanity shining like a beacon in the night and wondered "what the hell is happening to her?"

Amazing that something that is currently the size of a poppy seed can make me beat the shit out of a computer.




random_mommy said...

wow. that spinal cord with the creamy center metaphor really shook me to the core.
but look at you!! with the awesome review! go catwoman!!

it's okay to be hormonal... i remember the rage pulsing through my veins... i think it's normal.

Anonymous said...

I love the spinal cord statement...I may be hijacking that in the future :)

Being hormonal is good.

Just as long as I'm on the opposite end of it :)

Ava said...

That spinal cord statement sounded delicious. Like a gruesome Twinkie.

So people should just stay away from Dallas, and especially any pregnant ladies then? Righto!

Anonymous said...

I was the same way with both of my pregnancies.I almost beat the crap out of a another mom at a play group.I tested later that day and sure enough it was positive.Gotta love those hormones.

Morgan Leigh said...

wow. just wow. nice catwoman. lol. note to self: be very very nice to catwoman, or she will drink my spinal-fluid. ouch.

AndreAnna said...

Normaally, I'd suggest vodka. But I suppose that's out of the question huh? You and me need to do some boozing in a year or so.

Luckily, with both pregnancies, I never had any crazy hormonal issues, and with this one, other than driving, I'm extremely chill. Maybe I'm giving birth to a surfer dude. ;)

Sandy said...

Wow. Nice Catwoman. Nice mommy. Nice lady.

Grandmagoose said...


Julie said...

Creamy center of spinal cord? You by chance didn't eat one of those god awful/delicious cadbury cream eggs before writing that did you. Is it gross that that is exactly what I thought of?

And I take it you haven't told your boss your knocked up?

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Ooooohhhhh, you're one of those scary prego women!! I've heard about your kind!

I, of course, was a cheerful, friendly, peppy, nice as pie prego woman...not once, but twice!!

Maybe you should come to Maine so I can give you some "how not to scare everyone and be nice to your laptop" for the next nine months!

Hallie :)

CPA Mom said...

nice imagery. I can relate - I almost ran over my new laptop - and I'm not.even.pregnant.

You made me LOL on this one.

Blue Momma said...

I was so fatigued that I didn't have the energy to get hormonal. That is probably all that kept my hubby alive!

Take it easy on the laptop though. I need my daily Catwoman fix!

Anonymous said...

I'm still laughing at how you didn't know Japanese Weekend before the last consign. You funny. I'm posting on the hostage situation in the burbs.

Karen said...

Yikes - I fear for your husband's life. And those of your co-workers. And your neighbor three doors down that snores at night.

Kathryn said...

I am laughing so hard a bit of pee came out. Seriously. Too funny. I mean, not funny.
Not at all.
Very serious.

Please don't kill me.

Ms. Porter said...

bless you and your sweet little poppy seed sized reason for your slightly cranky attitude.

Lynsey said...

It made me throw my phone at the back of someone's head. Punks shouldn't mess with pregnant people...and yes, breathing too loud counts as a punk!


A's Mom said...

Oh, Japanese capri pants.

Ah, hormones. Don't you love them? I say just smile and nod your head. That always seems to work. Unless of course you're agreeing to do some more work then it's bad.

Rachel said...

That spinal cord statement was some kind of, well, something!

Damn girl!

Please don't cut me.

David said...

I am backing up slowly. Everything is one is disagreeing with are in control.....I'm just going to back right out of this's O. K. .....the computer is is the remote....and that vase.....and your shoe....I'll make you a new shoe...

It's O. K.

I'l be riiiiiiiiiiight back.....

::: running ::::

(sorry...I'm practicing. Twins) ;-)

Gerbil said...

hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!! Hormones. Gotta love em.

Cass said...

When you made the Y&R reference I thought you were actually talking to know personally. I'm lucky enough to work remotely because there are days that I would be making a "scene" if I had to work in an office.

Joy T. said...

I'm dying here!!!! But I'm not laughing at you so, you know, don't come through the computer at me. I can't WAIT until month 9.

M said...

I look back on my pregnancy rage and laugh and laugh.

At the time? SO not funny.

Now? Especially reliving it with you?

Very. very. very. funny. xoxoxo