Tuesday, January 15, 2008

You Ask, I Respond

Due to the number of questions I received for yesterday's post, I felt that they needed to be addressed and what better way to not have to come up with a post when you're half asleep, than to be provided with a half-digested post by your readers.

So first, Emma asks "So did you throw them out?"

The answer is yes. There aren't many things I'm anal about (I swear that is not intended to be a pun in any way). But the idea of wearing an underwear that's been half-digested by my dog? Well, I just can't do it. This is why in the past year I have thrown out 60 dollars worth of underwear from Victoria's Secret. As much as it's heartbreaking, I'd rather go commando, you know?

Sandy asks "What kind of dog is Satan's Dog?"

To which I could say he's a stupid one. He's actually a black lab, as seen here, who's also part Rottweiler, although it seems no one told him, since besides some longer ears, he looks all lab and definitely has the lab disposition of needing to crawl into your uterus at night, because laying by you is just not close enough and he might die from loneliness if that one inch separating us from each other remains.

Satan's Dog was adopted from the nearest SPCA on the day that I had to put to sleep our yellow lab who got very sick with bone cancer very suddenly. I was too heartbroken to go back to a house that only had one dog in it, and so I stopped by the SPCA, just to be surrounded by live dogs, to help fade the memory of that big old dog's head laying lifeless in my lap as I kissed his big yellow head sobbing. Crazy that a year and a half later, just typing that brings tears to my eyes. Especially when that yellow lab was Sweetie Pie's dog, not mine and he tolerated me only out of blind love for Sweetie Pie.

When I walked in, there was a litter of black lab puppies who'd been surrendered two days before at the age of two months and were ready to go home. I took that as a sign that we were meant to have another dog. I don't even know if I wanted another lab, they're a little too loving for me, who's been raised with cats who actually make you work for their love. Which is probably why in my late teens and early 20's I always fell for men who didn't want me. Maybe if I'd been raised with a lab, I would have gone for the nice nerd who loved me with all of his being. Man, I could totally be Dr. Phil. Someone get me Britney Spears on the line, stat.

Anyway, Satan's Dog was the only one who was awake at that time and paid attention to me, and next thing you know, I drove off with a fur ball on my lap.

Which brings me to a question that has been asked before by someone, I don't remember who, and I'm not sure I've addressed, which is why do I call him Satan's Dog and is that his real name?

For the record, that is not the real dog's name. Just like Sweetie Pie's license does not read Sweetie Pie on it. He also has a real name. Why did I give my dog a nickname, I mean surely somebody wouldn't go looking for me by googling my lab's name, would they? Especially when I can easily be identified by the approximately 121,235 pictures of Little Man on the site. I'm a woman. Don't expect logic from me.

I can assure you though, that Satan's Dog has a perfectly plain dog name (which is also a human name) and is so loved that his coat is beyond shiny, it's sparkly like the insides of a unicorn.

The reason I nicknamed him Satan's dog is that a few weeks after bringing him home it occured to me that his birthday was June 6, 2006. Which written like that, seems innocent enough. But then of course, we all know that in all numeral, it is 6/6/06. Which is when I joked that I'd accidentally brought home Satan's Dog and that my life would become something of a horror movie. But really, Satan's Dog, despite his name, is actually a good dog. Except for the vomitting issues. And the stealing and chewing of Little Man's stuffed animals (although he's always instinctively known not to mess with the beloved frog. And of course, the swallowing of underwear wouldn't go under the "my favorite things about my dog" column.

AFF asks "And, why do they always seem to want to puke on carpet?"

Because the universe hates us. Because our husbands told the universe about our excessive spending and this is the universe's way of punishing us for not being thrifty and for not putting out enough.

AFF also asks "I guess this means you get to go shopping at Vicky's??"

Actually, I had already shopped the half-yearly sale (or whatever they call it there) before this incident. Luckily, neither pair of new undies were chewed yet. I expect that by Valentine's Day though, they'll be gone too. Because I'm as moronic as my dog and don't learn.

Morgan asks "Yes, dogs are inferior to cats, but I still like dogs better. What does that say about me?"

It means that you're the kind of person who decides that punching out an old man is wrong only because you're wearing a "Got Jesus?" t-shirt. It just means you're a nuts and I love you for it.

Hallie asks "Thanks for sharing...I think?"

I'm not sure how to answer that, because I have a feeling that Hailey's question might be what them crazy kids these days are calling 'rhetorical.'

But if it's not, then yes, I'm sure Hailey does think on a regular basis.

That Chick asks "He...vomits while running?"

Yes. I have the only multi-tasking dog in the whole wide world. Some would stop to vomit, but why not get a workout while you're purging. Think of the extra calories you're burning that way! This is how Satan's Dog keeps his girlish figure. Look for his book "You too can vomit while running" coming to amazon.com as soon as he grows opposable thumbs.




Morgan Leigh said...

teeeheehee. I can't help but laugh at you and the fact that I am "a nuts"-- which might not be as funny as I'm thinking it is. LOL.

Satans dog born on 6-6-6, wow. Scary. LOL.


Beccy said...

Lol, what a brilliant post, looking forward to the book!

P.S. My sisters birth date is 6/6/66, prehaps I should call her devils spawn!

Emma in Canada said...

Well, Satan's Dog must be quite smart as cats puke and run. Much to my teenage dismay. But at least cats eat it back up.

And I'm glad you threw them away.

Rachel said...

You freakin kill me!!! I can always count on a laugh when I come over here!

You know you wanna move to Tennessee.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

So, if the universe is already against us, why do we even pretend to reign ourselves in? That's it! I'm calling EA & booking me some spa time!

Also, I know his real name. nyah.

Mamma Schmoo said...

You have confirmed that I will never, ever have a dog. Besides if I did have a dog it would have to be a Saint Bernard to choke down my undies!!

Thanks for the laugh!

A's Mom said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm sure you know all about labs (I'm a vet technician and sometimes they are a nightmare to work with). If you haven't read "Marley and Me", go get it now. You'll enjoy it!

Anonymous said...


Our lab has a thing for Diapers. Dirty, clean, whatever. It used to annoy me to no end, but now I think I'm just glad that he hasn't gone after the undies!

Sandy said...

Thanks so much for answering my question. He was a darling puppy and is a good looking dog!

Now, what do you mean that Sweetie Pie isn't Sweetie Pie's name?

and should I be scared that I knew AFF meant Elizabeth Arden?

"J" said...

Funny post!!! Your dog is sooooooooooooooo darn CUTE!!! =)

Anonymous said...

This is totally not fair...

I was out of town and missed my opportunity??!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

i made today's entry but you spelled my name wrong in the link... what is a gal to do?


Hallie (not Hailey)

Julie said...

Stop the presses. Sweetie Pie is not his real name? Now you're going to tell me Little Man is not his either?! : )

That Chick Over There said...

If I tried to run, I'd probably vomit too.

Morgan Leigh said...

I tagged you at my blog, if you want to do it, you can. :) I *heart* you! :)

Ms. Porter said...

My boy vomits on the hardwood floor as long as we don't look or speak to him...then he runs too.
PS-to answer your question, no my daughter doesn't go to a Montesori school, she is at a regular Catholic school. The principal focuses on the schools atmosphere more than religion and she is just wonderful. It's such a warm school...we lucked out. I'm sure the fact that I try to be involved and have made my presence known helps as well...you've intimated that you are the same with the daycare in your posts...it's good to be involved.

Nina Diane said...

oh my goodness.....you are just too much! funny, funny

myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

Um you just take a day off whenever you feel like it? Who do you think you are? Me?

Elle said...

Good Lord!! LOL yeah I wouldn't keep no dog-eatten panties either. I mean - yuck!

random_mommy said...

where are you?