Monday, January 14, 2008

Top Reason Dogs Will Never Rule The World

Last night, I was making dinner when I see Satan's Dog from the corner of my eye gagging by the kitchen table. I know what's going to happen. I know he's about to vomit an abnormally large amount of puke, the kind that makes me consider the fact that he might not be from this world.

I decide that I will pretend I don't see him, not because I live in denial, but because if you make a sudden move, he panicks and runs and ends up vomitting while running, causing me a two hour clean up and white vinegar stocks to go through the roof, making those Wall Street folks think that the economy might have a shot, as long as Satan's Dog is around. Since he's standing over tile, I figure I have an easy clean up, and so I decide the risk of him heading for the carpet is not proportionately lower than my chances of grabbing him and throwing him in the backyard.

As I calmly continue to make dinner, humming silently to myself in order to drown out the horrible gagging noises that are coming from my dog, noises so loud that I'm sure they created more mud slides in California, the dog finally works out of his system the offensive object.

And there it is. In a pile of slime and completely digested dog food is my bright red thong, worn the night before to make Sweetie Pie glad that he came home from his business trip. The same thong that had been sexily thrown next to the bed in our welcome home celebration.

The thong that my dog apparently decided looked mighty tasty and decided to swallow. In one freaking bite.

Which with the size of my hiney these days, a thong, no matter how little fabric might be involved is still not small enough to be swallowed without some serious masticating first.

And this is why cats will forever look down on dogs.

Love,

Catwoman.

23 comments:

Emma in Canada said...

Oh please. The size of your hiney. WHATEVER! You skinny people!

So did you throw them out?

Chris said...

lmao!!!

That is just....funny and gross :-)

Sandy said...

OK, laughing hysterically at your story...my dog ate granny panties, way worse! and then emma's comment made me snort coffee!

What kind of dog is Satan's Dog?

Kellie said...

I may have to come back and comment later.

I'm laughing entirely too hard right now!!

Julie said...

Thank god at least you were his only audience - imagine if you had company over or something.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Huh. There is something that the Bulldog has not managed to eat. Interesting.

I think I'll start making sure I don't leave my underwear on the floor, just in case she develops the taste. Thanks for the heads up!

random_mommy said...

My dogs have a weird attraction to panties too. They've never eaten them though. That dog is nuts.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Dogs are so retarded. And, why do they always seem to want to puke on carpet?

I guess this means you get to go shopping at Vicky's??

tami said...

LMAO My dog totally has a thing for, um, used panties too. She will wrap the crotch around her nose and just lay there. Like breathing it in. WTF?!?

Ms. Porter said...

Funny! My boy sticks to diapers, clean, dirty or otherwise.

Rachel said...

Lmao at Tami's comment!!! Funny story! My dog used to do the same thing, except she would eat just the crotch of the panties!

mumof4 said...

I am so laughing out loud. Dogs + human sex = never a good combination

Joy T. said...

Oh my freaking lord *gag* was that funny!!! I'm sending you the bill to clean my monitor from the tea I just spit all over it. Oh man dogs are so stupid LOL

Morgan Leigh said...

hahaha. that is hilarious, and then emma's comment was great.

LOL. Yes, dogs are inferior to cats, but I still like dogs better. What does that say about me?

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

This is the BEST, most DISGUSTING story ever! Thanks for sharing...I think? :-)

Hallie

Blue Momma said...

I think Satan's Dog needs a bit of doggy action.

And I am so with Emma about you skinny folks talking about the size of your ass. Hmph.

Jesse said...

I needed a good laugh, that was funny and a little gross.

monster's momma said...

So funny yet so disgusting. Loved it.

That Chick Over There said...

He...vomits while running?

O.M.G.

A's Mom said...

I don't know what's worse... eating the entire thing or just licking the thing until it's saturated. Trust me. Cats are not that much better.

Squishy Tushy said...

That is the perfect story... I laughed, yet barfed a little too.

LOVED IT!

Cheri said...

okay..I think I have one better...for the 1st five years of our marriage, we had a white german shepherd we nicknamed "white devil" her real name was Abby. Sadly she got sick and went to doggy heaven (we hope...mayber doggy hell). Anyway...I was having my first ever Pampered Chef party and white devil was outside. She liked to chew/eat towels...I had huge glass doors overlooking the yard...my entire party got to see her running around the yard in circles trying to poop out a beach towel she had eaten...it got stuck in her bum half hanging out...she was trying to pull it out with her teeth. Can you picture this??? Can we just say...I was mortified! My friends have never forgotten this lovely scene! Stupid dog!

M said...

dear cod. your dog is the supreme dumbness. and you? at least you still put thongs on your so not large ass. i wouldn't go near such a thing anymore.

though seriously my fucking cats would probably eat a thong and barf it up too because they? may be related to satan's dog.