Friday, January 11, 2008

Spending Way More Time Crying Than I Should

I have to say, I've always loved a good cry. When I was a teenager, there was nothing I loved more than to sob and wail silently into my pillow about the sad state of my social life. When I was done, I wasn't any less unpopular, but at least I felt like some heroine in a Judy Blume book, with my tortured soul and my woe is me attitude.

In my early 20's, I cried over men. Men who I loved and would have given body parts for, many of which I don't even remember their names now. The ones that I do remember though, I google kind of obsessively, which I've written about before. If you've ever dated me and are wondering who the hell is stalking you? It's just little me, so please don't be alarmed.

But motherhood has brought on a whole new level of over-sensitivity. I used to watch shows about children or mothers and go "oh, that's sweet" or "oh, that's sad."

But now? Now? Anything that happens on TV is something that could happen to me or could happen to my son. No longer is it just a "oh, that's kind of sad."

Like last night, while Sweetie Pie was out of town, I put Little Man to bed after pausing Grey's Anatomy right as it began. After giving him his bath, reading him the same damn book that I have for the past eight days that is starting to make my retinas bleed, I tucked him in, kissed him good night, told him I love him and silently closed the door behind me.

Afterwards, I poured myself a glass of wine, plopped down on the couch with my trusty Satan's Dog with my warm super soft blanket draped over me and I watched the last new Grey's Anatomy potentially ever. (note: if any TV writers are reading my blog, will you please go back to work now? I mean, come on, seriously it's been two freaking months!)

If anyone didn't watch it last night (to which I'd reply are you insane? Why wouldn't you watch Grey's Anatomy???), one of the main characters baby had a bad accident last night. After she left for the hospital, he apparently got into her office because one of his parents had left the baby gate open. He tried to climb her bookcase, filled with heavy medical books, and it toppled over, crushing him and causing serious internal damage, including a ruptured stomach.

I spent most of this episode sobbing so hard, that I had to pause parts that didn't involve the baby story line so that I could get a grip and actually hear what else was happening.

There was this one particularly gripping scene where the mom/doctor was trying to remember if she was to blame, if she'd left the baby gate open, she'd repeat over and over again "I went into the office, I put the note for the building manager on my desk, I walked out, grabbed my briefcase... did I close the gate? Why can't I remember?"

I'm crying right now just remembering it.

As trite as it might sound? The times it hits me most that I am a mother, that I am no longer the person I was even 29 months ago, and only a semblance of the person I was 38 months ago is when I feel the pain of other mothers. Where the idea of something happening to my child tears me in half so hard, that I can't fathom the real deal taking place.

At those times, I know more than at any other time that this little blonde creature, who grins at me and tells me "don't do that, Mama," like he's the adult in this relationship, I love those 28 pounds of flesh and love more than anything else in this world.

That if anything, anything even threatened one hair on his oversized head, I would literally slice them into 1,000 pieces, just for having the thought.

I am a mother, hear me roar.

Some might say I take my TV a little too seriously.

After the episode was over, I cried some more and then had another glass of wine as I snuggled with Satan's Dog.

I got up to go to bed, and went to check on Little Man, hoping that he wouldn't be asleep and I could move him to my bed and just snuggle with him and whisper-sing to him until he fell asleep.

He was completely passed out, snoring softly. I stroked his hair, and then poked him once, just in case that would be enough to wake him up.

It didn't.

But at 1:47 a.m., Little Man had a bad dream and cried out for me. I bound up the stairs two by two, held him for a minute until his heart rate slowed down and then I whispered to him "do you want to sleep with Mama?"

He nodded that yes, he would like to trade his little toddler bed for my King-size bed.

I fell back asleep with his head tucked in the crook of my arm. And I slept better for the next four hours than I have in a long time.




Anonymous said...

glad to hear that I am not the only crazy person out there...
did quite a similar routine last night as well ('cept substitute that awesome glass of wine for some OJ). i was crying like a baby during that episode. afterwards i checked on tp and held her hand and hunkered down low so I could smell her hair. i went to bed crying too...
wah wah wah. you're not alone catwoman!

Jesse said...

I know exactly what you mean; after having children anything I watch or hear on the news breaks my heart and sends me to their room holding them and crying softly. It's nice to know that we're not alone. Oh and as for Victoria her maternity leave in almost over so she should be back on Y&R soon.

Sandy said...

It hit the grandmas hard too. I was watching with my baby while her baby was asleep in his room at my house (he travels according to his mom's work schedule). So I was crying watching the show and she was crying watching the show and I was crying watching her watch the show and oh, crap, it was friggin' wet in here!

My bonus? I got to go sniff his hair before I went to bed and tuck his blankets around him and his poor mom? She was at work.

Holly said...

I stopped watching Grey's when M&D broke up this last time. I can't handle it. Obviously, I would've been right there with you in one big sob fest. Ugh.

Snuggles with the boy tyke? Kodak moments you store in your heart.

Julie said...

I have never seen Grey's - I think I'm the only one in the world.

Emma in Canada said...

Yeah that episode about killed me. Because through my best friend I actually know of someone who's child died that way. And the really heartbreaking thing is that the mum heard the thunk in her sleep but she thought it was the garage door closing. When she woke up a while later he was dead. Imagine her guilt wondering if she had gotten up to check on the noise, he might have lived. I thought of her all through that episode.

Morgan Leigh said...

Oh man. I've done that before. Especially with some of the House episodes that I have seen. I cry and cry, and Sparky laughs at me, telling me that nothing like that could happen to our kids.

ps- I've never watched Grey's Anatomy. ::runs::

"J" said...

I missed it last night....dang it!!! Ugh...I'm so mad at myself! Thanks for the update! =)

Anonymous said...

I've never watched the show, either (please stop throwing things at your computer!). But, I totally get the whole "now that I'm a mom" thing. Whether it's a story on the news or an episode of a show....if it's something that could happen to me or my child?

Tear freakin' factory!!

myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

I MUST know how long a post like this takes you to write? I wrote one 1/3 this long this morning and it took me an hour. Sadly, not joking. I suck the suck of a thousand suckers.

lisa's chaos said...

When I was little, my dad was a trucker so I got to sleep with mama whenever he was gone. I got to really resented my da when he was home

Bren said...

My little guy is tucked under my arm right now and it makes me sad to think that soon he won't want to sleep here anymore.

Now, which book have you been reading for the past 8 days?

Anonymous said...

Now i'm really upset because i ALWAYS watch G.A. but last night Apprentice was on at the same time. A big fight ensued; dh won and we watched the Donald.
Are you an Apprentice fan too? Something really strange going on there. The Donald is obviously a big Omarosa fan. Ughhh. Its sickening.
Anyway, i have to live with what i got - no tivo or whatever its called....we dont even have such capabilities here in the far north, and nowhere to put another tv so i'll have to watch for the rerun.

That Chick Over There said...

I, also, have never watched Grey's Anatomy. I have TiVo now so I'm too busy watching Judge Judy and The Dr. Phil show.

Haphazardkat said...

I've never watched GA...*ducks the shocked missles* :D

I get too emotional watching that stuff--I have to cut myself off or walk in a perpetual fog of misery from after grief.

I'm with you on the Mom thing. Its because I feel so deeply about my son that I cannot watch or read about anything bad happening to kids. It haunts me, terribly.

A's Mom said...

Recently found your blog and boy am I glad. Not only do we both call our child "LIttle Man", but we've both spent some time in Texas. Can't wait to read more of your blog in the future!

Rachel said...

How funny that at about 1am that night, Alyssa woke up and I brought her to bed with me too. I love letting her sleep with me!