Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Will Never Be Able to Make This Post as Funny as Real Life Was

Yesterday, Sweetie Pie had to work late, so Little Man and I once again survived on a diet of Macaroni & Cheese and sliced kiwis. It's funny, I'm the chef in the family, but as soon as Sweetie Pie's away, I revert to college student Catwoman, who can't make anything but Mac and cheese.

Or maybe it's just that Little Man is as much of a carb addict as I am, and we could both live on pasta three meals a day, so that when our protein-needing Sweetie Pie is gone, we can just drown in a big tub of carbs and feel our brains throb from all of that sugar breaking down. It's like a runner's high, I guess, except with 1/4 cup of butter and fluorescent orange cheese. I say it's way better, but of course, I've never had a runner's high, unless you count that time at 21, when I smoked a little something something and thought that my pants were on fire and ran halfway down the block.

Which is about as far away from a toddler story's point as you can get. (scurries back halfway around the world back to original story).

After dinner, Little Man and I were just playing, different games that make him laugh and that I enjoy for about three minutes before getting bored and wondering when he'll be ready to start playing board games, because seriously, how many times can we make Hot wheel cars crash in a row, or sing "We just got a letter" while playing air guitar? Candy Land would be a step up from this. (Note: I expect to read this last sentence back in a year, after 3,923 games of Candy Land and laugh at past Catwoman's stupidity on this subject. I guess God made wine specifically with moms in mind).

As we were playing, a smell began to permeate the room, and it became evident that my sweet toddler, with his little face that belongs on an angel had let his butt, which belongs to the depth of hell or maybe a city dump's dirty gym sock (because we all know that city dumps, when we're not looking, like to go work out, they're especially big fans of pilates and Body Pump classes), release a turd that should really belong to a grown man.

So I stop what I'm doing and I say "Little Man, did you go caca?" (This is where my French side comes out. I have to use the French word for poop, because it somehow sounds, well, a little more sophisticated).

Little Man knows that a diaper change will mean that he'll have to stop playing, which is like, totally unfair, dude.

So he chooses to lie, something he's done before, which has only resulted in him going to time alone (with a poopy diaper, of course) for lying.

I figure, he'll learn to lie soon enough, like when he starts real school and has to pretend he's not smart, so that the kids don't beat the shit out of him.

So I ask him again "did you go caca?" and tell him that he needs to think carefully about his answer, because or else he's going to have to go to time alone for lying.

The wheels in his brain are spinning so hard, that I can actually see them. And as the lightbulb over his head lights up, he says "Mama? Did you go caca? Pewwwwwy!" He proceeds to walk over to me, pulls the back of my pants and goes "You go caca! Stinky butt! Mama has a stinky butt!"

And as I'm laughing so hard that I can't move, he proceeds to pretend to wipe my hiney clean (he actually rubbed my lower back, which I have to give the kid credit, he can give a great lower back massage), all while telling me that I really need to go caca in the potty.

I've been schooled. Not only did he not go to time alone for lying, but I think I freaking love that kid even more. Even if he used the word butt, which I'm pretty sure is considered a sin here in Texas.

Love,

Catwoman.

28 comments:

AndreAnna said...

That? I hysterical.

You have a con artist on your hands.

Think you can teach him to pickpocket?

Morgan Leigh said...

That is so funny! He totally got out of going to time out! Hahahah. Funny! :)

Kellie said...

Your son? Is BRILLIANT!! I wonder if he'll try this little trick when he's 17 and REALLY lying :)

CPA Mom said...

Now that? Was brilliant!!

My 3 year old? When her dad farts? Says it was her. Tells me her butt has bubbles. Guess he trained her well.

Beccy said...

Hilarious. I like the word caca, much nicer than the words used here (dump, shite, crap) although Ben says poop which I don't mind.

Sandy said...

Too cute for words!

Manda2774 said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thats awesome. Ava did something similar once, only to her doll, not me. She kept wiping it saying "stinky poo poo"

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

The whole story was funny, but this was the best, "when he starts real school and has to pretend he's not smart, so that the kids don't beat the shit out of him."

True that. True that.

myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

Love him! Until a few weeks ago when my daughter could finally pronounce her brother's name, she's been calling him "Caca" for the past year.

If I had a baby book, that's what I would write.

Becca said...

God you crack me up.

CathyB said...

That was awesome! your little guys sounds like a real smarty pant! good luck with that later on!

Rachel said...

Yeah, by this age, he really should be saying ass instead.

And, where in the world could he possibly get his smartassedness? Must be from Sweetie Pie.

armywife said...

LOL...Very cute :)

rookiemom said...

Oh lord. That is too funny.

Think how smooth he'll be in a year or two! Good luck!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Oh, dear. That kid is TOO much! And, you see the gears = manipulate mommy, right? And, butt? My kid and I say it all the time. I mean we use freaking butt paste.

Daphne said...

hilarious! Mackenzie automatically blames her brother, even when he's at school!

monster's momma said...

ROFL!! Pewwy stinky butt.
oh, how I wish Katie would not call cupcakes caca.

Jesse said...

I still can't stop lauging from that story. There is no way I could have kept a straight face with that one.

Bren said...

Too funny! He knows how to get out of trouble alright!

I like your letters to Little Man so much I did one for my baby's 1st birthday. :)

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

That was an awesome story! I am laughing my butt off! My guy lies to me all the time about his dirty diapers. He'll never admit it.

Lynsey said...

Love it!

random_mommy said...

so did you caca?

Squishy Tushy said...

Here? In Toronto? We say cuc.
God, even that we've managed to shorten.

But your story? Too freakin' funny!

Tiffany said...

So very funny...im coming out of lurkdom...You crack me up!
The whole cooking like your in college thing, I do it to when dh is gone the kids and i eat the healthy stuff like mac n cheese, pizza rolls,chicken nuggets, and throw in at least one night of whattaburger/mcdonalds and you have our dinners LOL. This mom just does NOT feel like making a real meal when hes gone(and lately thats been alot!)

Nina Diane said...

great story! and boy are you in trouble when he becomes a teen...such a little con :)

Kathryn said...

Lying about pooping seems to be basic toddler behavior, mine does it every day. This post was too funny!

Love your blog, I'm so glad I found it.

A's Mom said...

That was hilarious! I use the word "stinky" and ask my Little Man A "Did you go stink-stink?" Since he's only 13 months, he just stands there and smiles.

M said...

oh my helling hell. i just hacked up my breakfast nachos (no, not kidding. cheese and chips and microwaved goodness! go me!)

i love you on so many bagels and that little caca head even more!