Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Consider My Ass Kicked

I consider myself to have a high pain threshold. After all, when I developed HELLP Syndrome at the end of Little Man's pregnancy, my liver was shutting down, which was quite painful, but I just figured the pain was a normal part of pregnancy, so it took me five days to go to the hospital (in my defense, I did have a midwife appointment in the middle of those five days, and she thought it was my gall bladder and told me to cut out all fat from my diet and then switch to an all clear liquid diet).

I said I had a pain threshold, I didn't claim to be smart. Anyway, when I finally accepted the fact that the pain was really, really bad and I should go to a hospital (something I wanted to avoid, due to our crappy insurance that didn't cover maternity and we still had a $1,000 sonogram to pay for), and the doctors there figured out what was wrong with me within an hour of me coming in (yeah, blood test!), they couldn't believed I'd been sitting at home for five days like that, with a hot compress pushed against me.

Those of you who are tracking my cycle as closely as I am (is it weird that the Internet's population knows exactly when I'm reaching for the tampon box and on what days I'm most likely putting out?), know that this month wasn't the month for baby #2.

I have to say, this isn't a suprise. Sweetie Pie had to go out of town for four days this month, and I was too exhausted to put out the two nights before he left. And of course, I ovulated on the second day he was gone, so that any chances of making a baby (with my husband, at least, and Tom Brady was too busy throwing footballs to be my back up plan) were reduced to nil.

And I accepted that my period would come, despite my trying really hard to get pregnant once he got back, just in case I'd been wrong.

On Friday, I had no spotting. Which was odd, because Aunt Flo, she's like one of those killers from the movies, who just has to call you in advance to say "hey, I'm going to kill you!", rather than just show up and completely surprise you.

Saturday, same thing, although I could feel in my gut that the witch was coming for a visit.

Sunday, I decided that hey, I'd take another pregnancy test, because hope springs eternal or whatever that stupid expression is.

I peed on a digital test, and I practically heard it scoff at me when I looked at it. You know how they take a couple of minutes normally to tell you you're not pregnant?

This one screamed at me NOT PREGNANT, MORON! within 15 seconds of my having peed on it. I think the test thought a man peed on it, because that's how unpregnant I was.

Finally, Sunday afternoon, Aunt Flo showed up two days late, nothing to be alarmed of, since she's been changing her arrival date every month.

But for some reason, she's totally kicking my ass this month, like her delay really, really angered her. I used to get bad cramps as a kids, but once I got put on the pill, it wasn't an issue anymore, even once I got off the pill. I'm one who never really takes Advil or anything, but yesterday and and today, I've had to take it every 6 hours in order to not feel like my lower intestines are about to fly out of my body.

I looked at Little Man this morning, and I actually felt glad for him that he would never have a uterus and have to go through all of this.

Next month is my month, people. In another five days, I will be putting out until the cows come home. Anything to keep future Aunt Flo's away.




Emma in Canada said...

Hmmm... I might tell William I want another and then I'll actually get to do the deed.

Sorry about AF being a pain. I just started getting PMS (I swear in 21 years of having her, I've never had it) and holy feck am I ever a bitch. I mean more than usual! It is frightening. When the cramps come I'm asking for some serious action to be taken.

Sandy said...

"I think the test thought a man peed on it, because that's how unpregnant I was."...funniest line ever!

I hope you feel better soon. If you swallow those advil with a hot toddy, they work much better.

AndreAnna said...

Oh, I so have my fingers crossed for you!

And I agree with Sandy - swish those advil down with some booze while you still can!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

What I want to know is why didn't anyone tell me that Aunt Flo was going to change her personality on me after having a baby? Just when I figured out how to deal with her bitchiness, she went and changed into an altogether different sort of bitch that just won't be squashed. Grr.

In a matter of days, I think I'll end up having moments where I'm all, "I bet Catwoman is having sex right now" and I'll probably be right. Sweet.

(P.S. Please don't hate me. For the love of all things Martha, there is still a GD Christmas tree fully decorated and sitting in my hall. I am a pitiful housekeeper.)

Ms. Porter said...

Just a tip...the whole every other day trick isn't what I suggest...go for it as many times as you can for the two days before until two days after you think you should be ovulating. Yes it's alot of putting out, but I swear it does the trick.

Mamma Schmoo said...

Good luck next month!

laurensmom0303 said...

heeheee!!! I have the same mean Aunt Flo. That bitch is just plain evil sometimes!!!

marie79 said...

Aunt Flo!!!LMAO!! never heard of that one before, you crack me up.

I hope next month is the one for you, good luck and maybe get him and make a baby?? LOL!! =0)

Julie said...

Good luck with the putting out and such. i hope next month is your month!

Anonymous said...

Is that for a Nov baby? Cause, you know I know where you live. I'll hunt you down if you try for a Dec baby.

Rachel said...

Ever since I stopped taking the pill Aunt Flo has been a nasty bitch to me too. WTF is her problem!!!

Good luck on the putting out.

That Chick Over There said...

Good luck with the f'ing and whatnot.

Blue Momma said...

That Flo is a real bitch isn't she? She won't stay away from my house either.

And high pain threshold or not, if I'm in that much pain I'm heading to the doc right fast!

Melissa said...

Hang in there! :) I second the vote for EVERYDAY shagging.

Elle said...

I'm sending you lots of conception vibes!

Joy T. said...

The reason I love blogging #358...I can say "Goodluck having sex. Hope everything turns out." and no one thinks I'm weird.

A's Mom said...

"Putting out until the cows come home." I think this is a line that my hubby would like to hear, event though we're not trying right now. Another December baby is out of the question. You can only have too many miracles in that month. Good luck!

~Denise~ said...

Wishing you lots of luck with your TTC journey. I'm a HELLP mommy too, and it took me 3 days to go into the doctor.

You have a wicked sense of humor, LOVE your blog!

Best wishes,

PS. Found your blog via a google alert for HELLP

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

Good luck, Catwoman!

Jen said...

Just found your blog through Denise's (A Woman with Hobbit Feet) blog roll. Thanks for helping me to laugh today! :)

Jen @ Unique But Not Alone

M said...

dear cod you poor thing.

yeah. you definitely deserve a break from the cramp hell this month (it's always worse when trying too.)

but hey! i suffered from cramp hell sob hysterically in bed popping pills like nothing pre-lily then post lily? i'm just a raving psychopath but at least it doesn't feel like my uterus is being murdered!

so my moral of the story? um...keep up the humping? get ye another kid and all will be well? aunt flo's a horrid bitch? who the hell knows. i just feel ya homie. i feel ya.