Friday, December 21, 2007

Improving My Chances of Getting a Cavity Search

So tomorrow we leave for Canada. It may not be the land of the free, but it is the land of hockey and beavers, which is way better than freedom if you ask me. Well, maybe not, but it's a close second. Canada also has good beer, that doesn't taste like deer urine, and not being pregnant, I can get my fill.

I'm excited to be going on this trip, although I'm also fully aware that it involves my mother, which with her being quite unbalanced, I know that about three days into the trip, I'll say something that comes off as ungrateful, like the time she was worried that she'd die alone in a retirement home if something happened to my dad and I said something along the lines of "hell no, we'll just ship you monthly between our three houses, my sisters and I."

The general feeling behind this statement was that she could live with the three of us, and just take turns so that she could see all of her daughters and grand-kids equally and not get bored. Also, I thought in the back of my mind that this might prevent all three of us from doing heroin, or something even stronger, to cope with her living with one of us full-time.

Talking with my mother is a little like being interviewed by a very hormonal Bill O'Reilly. Every single thing you say is taken out of context and thrown back in your face, in the most stressful boardgame ever. In monopoly, if you lose, you lose all your money, in my mother's game, you lose your life through endless speeches and brain sucking whining. So this statement I made last Christmas turned into me being an ungrateful bitch, because in my plan she'd be shipped around without ever having a chance to give her opinion or do what she wants.

Uhm. What? First, this was a hypothetical conversation. And I was kind of put on the spot, so it's not like I had a solid plan, it was more of a hey, no, here's something we can do, but I was still open to suggestions, sheesh. Second, I thought it was sweet of me to offer not just my home, but my sisters' at the same time. I'm a good person like that.

So anyway. Canada? It might be very, very pretty and be filled with really, really nice people, but where I'm going, there are a lot of freaking land mines. I'm talking major war zone where I feel a few peacekeepers (invented by Canadians, by the way) should come with me for protection.

You want to hear everthing that's wrong with me right now?

Closed off throat from huge inflated glands on the side of my neck fighting world war with godzilla-like cold: 1.

Nose that's pouring snot at an alarming rate, causing side of nose to ressemble a porter steak from blowing it so much: 1.

Head that feels like Satan's Dog has chewed up the back of it overnight: 1.

Eye that's very obviously got pink eye: 1

Good thing I've seen every episode of Grey's Anatomy so that I can figure out it's pink eye and just use the drops from last time. I just don't understand how I've managed to get pink eye twice in a year now, when I've never had it my entire life. I know one class at Little Man's daycare (not his), had one reported case of it last week. He doesn't have it and he's there all day, I'm there three minutes twice a day and I get it. Does the pink eye just look for me????

Well children, I'm off. I'll try to post while I'm in Canada, but it will be sporadic. Some of you probably won't even try to visit me during the next week and to you I say "why are you so mean?" No. I don't. Because I won't be able to get my blog fix until December 30th either, because if I post, I won't also have time to go read all of you. So Merry Christmas to those of you to celebrate, to those who don't, happy 25th of December, enjoy the random day off.




Anonymous said...

i hope you get that cavity search & enjoy it! ahhh, christmas time w/families, may you be wary of the landmines & drink mucho holiday cheer! have a good trip CW, we'll see you when you get back!!!

Sandy said...

You know, my mother has not spoken to me in 22 years and sometimes, just sometimes, I think it's not so bad.

Have a great time in spite of the family and remember that you 3 are now your own, anyway. Family, that is.

Merry, Merry Christmas!

Squishy Tushy said...

Have a terrific holiday in Canada! And I say this even though you haven't come by to visit me at my new blog yet... Don't think I haven't noticed!!

Rachel said...

Just drink alot and maybe that will help you tolerate your mother.

Anyway, have a safe trip and Merry Christmas and I hope they let you back in when you try to come home.

Morgan Leigh said...

My mom? Is like that. I'm dreading the trip to Tennessee next week.

Have a very Merry christmas, Catwoman! :)

That Chick Over There said...

Merry Christmas sweets.

Also? Bill O'Reilly can SUCK IT.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas :-) Enjoy your Season and hope you feel better!

Anonymous said...

Even with the brain sucking, the snot dripping, the pink eye and possible cavity search....I wish you, Sweetie Pie and Little Man a wonderful Christmas.

Holly said...

I think you secretly want the cavity search. It would make an award winning post!

K was induced at 9. She was fully dialated two and a half hours later. TOO QUICK FOR THE EPIDURAL!! OWWW

Have fun in Canada. And, watch your ps and qs.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I hate that it's doing that. I forget to log out & log back in. EGADS

Did you guys get to see the pink birdies?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Found you via AFF and I'm glad I did! I love me some sarcasm, especially when it's on a stick. Everything's better on a stick, after all.

Is your Mother by chance my Mother-in-law? Must be. Either that, or they are personality twins that were separated at birth. Beware of landmines and have a great Christmas!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Have an amazing time and get better soon! Pink eye sucks...


Jesse said...

Have a Merry Christmas, and I hope you feel better soon.

Joy T. said...

Stopping by to wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

"J" said...

Just wanted to drop in on ya and wish you a VERY Merry Christmas!!!!!! =)

Emma in Canada said...

Hope the visit is going well!

Katie said...

ha! Omg, your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom, it's freakishly scary?!?!?! How can we SWEAR we'll never to the same thing to our children when they're grown?!?!? AHHHHHH!!!!!

M said...

*sigh* I miss your guts. Are you EVER coming back?! The US has, um, ME! And ( O ) ( O ) flashes! And no need to wear a coat! And no funny loonies! (Though I admit? I loved them so much as a child my grandmother used to bring them home from her visits with family and give them to me as gifts. I thought I was FABULOUS. little did I know the US had similar creations. And lord help me when the toonie came out) Of course Canada is closer to me than Texas. Though your brand of Canada really isn't any closer. Dammit. And there's way more about me than you needed to know in a simple I MISS YOUR FREAKING GUTS moment.

Signed, the woman you probably went to Canada to escape.