Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Conspiracy Theory

So the world? It has decided that I must go without sleep for the rest of my life. That it is a better place when I'm cranky and snarl and show my teeth all the time and my head rotates 360 degrees over every little thing.

I'd tell you the last time I had a full night sleep, but unfortunately, I don't remember when it was. I'm pretty sure the Civil War was still going on though. Also? Some kid named Frank Sinatra was becoming really, really popular.

For the past few weeks, Little Man has spontaneously woken up crying at random times in the night. I've always been a big believer of letting him crying it out, once I discovered that he would not in fact keel over and die if he cried for five or 10 minutes (this realization took a mere four months of motherhood to come upon me. I'm what they call a swift learner), but now, Little Man can freaking speak. And it's really, really hard to ignore your child when he's wailing "MOOOOO-MEEEEEE! DAH-DEEEEEEEE! HELP MEEEEEEEE!"

And I know from getting up about 10 billion times now that he's not in fact pinned under something heavy. And his stuffed frog has not come to life and turned into a vampire brain sucking toad trying to eat him. And he is not being attacked by an army of ninjas who think he's a member of the CIA. I know that it's him waking up for who knows what reason and using his words, something I tell him all freaking day when he goes into whiny mode instead of saying what he wants. The irony of him using his freaking words when the moon is out has not escaped me, I can assure you of that.

Two nights ago, Little Man couldn't fall asleep at all. Exhausted, I just finally said to him "do you want to sleep with Mama and Daddy tonight?" To which he thought "I've got me a sucker, whoo-hoo! Score! High five!" and agreed that yes, indeed, he would like to sleep with me. And my son, who I love more than life itself and would gouge my own eyes out if it meant I could add just one more minute to his life, somehow turns into his sleep into David Beckham or some gangster who kicks his victims to death.

I mean, we have a freaking King-size bed. This thing could accommodate Shaquille O'Neal and the whole cast of the Biggest Loser before their amazing weight loss. But somehow? When you throw in a 33 inch toddler who tips the scales at roughly 27 pounds, that bed shrinks to the size of a matchbook.

And my son, uses me as his punching bag, but with his feet. All. Freaking. Night.

Last night, when we were going through the bed time routine in his room, I finished reading his book and he jumped off my lap and said "ok, go dodo (sleep in French) with Mama and Daddy now."

I was like "uhm... Yeah. No."

Because I'm very eloquent when I'm put on the spot by very short men with too much hair on their heads.

And somehow, magically, the universe felt sorry for me. And not only did Little Man fall asleep in his toddler bed, like he does most of the time, but then he went on to sleep through the night, and the angels sang as I wept from joy in my sleep.

(side note: I expect there will be no pregnancy-inducing nookie this week, as I desperately try to catch up on weeks of lost sleep.)

I slept soundly until 3:41 a.m., when I was brusquely roused from deep sleep by the sound of a gagging dog. Freaking Satan's Dog, destroyer of all things made by humans, including sprinkler systems, gutters and fences, was puking whatever his stomach had decided was indigestible, which from the sounds of it was a small South American village.

I leapt out of bed because, have you seen the color of my carpet in my pictures? It's a light cream color, which in no way matches any of the vomit that's ever come out of the dog's system. I race through the living room to get him to the back door.

Unfortunately, I'm barefoot (because who the hell wears shoes to bed right?) and when I go running across the tile floor where the back door is, I slip and land on my side, which scares Satan's Dog, so that he runs through my living room while simultaneously throwing up. So that an 8-foot long trail of vivid gold-brown vomit runs through my entire living room, like some designer went off his meds.

This means that from 3:23 (I spent two minutes whisper-yelling every curse word I know) until approximately 4:12 a.m., I was carefully spraying white vinegar and blotting with paper towels to get my carpet back to its semi-spotless state.

I then crawled back into bed, only to feel a wet spot on the top sheet. Did you know dog vomit can seep through a goose down duvet and a top sheet?

Yeah, me neither.

Who wants to write the "free to good home" ad for Craig's List for me?

Or who wants an 18-month old dog for Christmas? Anyone? Anyone?




Loukia said...

Oh I have some night time battles of my own, let me tell you! My son's bedtime is now 12:30. No joke! We try getting settled into bed at around 9:30 - 10... before that he is NOT tired at ALL. He drinks milk, we read our books, it's very relaxing... then he's "up up up!" and wanting to play and go downstairs again... for a few more hours! It's tiring! And there is nothing we can do... I mean unless you have any suggestions? Please? Anything? We tried having him sleep with up, but he stays up just as late... he has an awesome new bedroom set (queen size bed and all) and he's totally adjusted to that just fine, but still... it's wacky! His naps are late... 2 to 4 p.m. - maybe that's why? We won't let him cry... any suggestions?!

AndreAnna said...

You are hysterical!

I hate those middle of the night wakings from dog vomit and kid screaming!

Make the nookie will help you sleep better?

beebop @ said...

am pissed because blogger just puked up my LOOOOONG comment...!(@&*#()$#@ re-cap...been there, done that. hate dog barf with passion...especially when its pieces of dog food mixed with q-tips (WTF?), chewy toys & leaves...

Morgan Leigh said...


I know how you feel though. Our cat has got her days and nights confused or something, because she stays up half the night running up and down the stairs, and it sounds like two full grown people bouding up the stairs. Who knew a 6 lb cat could make that much NOISE??

And, the kickboxing kid thing? It gets worse. When you wake up in the middle of the night with your kids toes up your nose and his butt on your chest, you'll know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing. A lot.

Mainly because it's not ME writing this post. SO been there.

I'm dreading the day when I resort to Morgan sleeping in my bed. We, too, have a king size. I must sleep on 2/3 of it, leaving Jimmy three square inches of room. Adding Morgan to the mix? Pfft. Someone would be on the floor. I can promise it won't be me. Or Morgan ;)

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Oh, Satan's Dog!! WHY. Well, you should've called me. I was awake, too. For no good reason. Then about 3:45 I heard a car & was like, "Who the hell is driving this time of night?" Apparently it was flamingo men. You need to bring Little Man by to see them. Mine rode them like horseys.

Rachel said...

This? Is why I have no pets.

Julie said...

I just laughed OUTLOUD at the thought of your vomit related slip. I'm glad you weren't hurt but sorry about the mess.

That Chick Over There said...

Oh. Vomit. Oh.

Becca said...

As usual I'm sitting here cracking up. Mainly because I know the sounds too well. But mine is usually the sound of the cat puking and then dog frantically chasing her around to "clean" it up. Hey, as long as I have him around my semi white carpet is staying just that. I mean that is why I got a dog after all. Now if we could just get her to recriprocate...

lisa's chaos said...

My favorite part of dogs puking is husband pointing saying they're going to do it and taunting that there's no way you're going to get there in time all the while you're leaping and grabbing and throwing outside. Fell like I deserve a gold medal when I successfully get wretching dog out before they get stomach contents out.

Sandy said...

I am so sorry your dog did that but so danged pleased that you write it the way you do!

My youngest woke up every friggin' night till kindergarten at 0300, climbed into my bed, and went to sleep. Never could break her of it - she finally just outgrew it. No, wait, I got married. Yeah, that was it!

Ms. Porter said...

you poor poor woman. i will pass on the offer for the free dog, got me one of them already. hope you sleep tonight and every night from now on, you've paid your dues....ohhhh I should add until you are preggers and then have a newborn cause honey nobody can help you get enough sleep then.

Ali (oops) said...

You're too damn funny. Good thing, cuz whoa... vomit. Ewww.

Also, just wanted to let you know that I've moved - over here - - come visit. Pretty please?

(Signed a girl formerly called A Kid Called Emma.)

Bren said...

Oh, my! That would be one sorry pooch!

Hilarious story!

Anonymous said...

Ooooooo, love the new look, girl!

Ok, I will NOT be writing an ad for you...wait, if I do, I'd just be considered a pimp. Cause, surely you'd know how my ad would basically go.

You need my carpet cleaner?

Nina Diane said...

uh oh...I hate when that happens