Friday, November 09, 2007

Part of the Minority

There's a statistic that states that 33 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. And today, I'm a statistic.

Last pregnancy, I got to be the 1 in 150,000 pregnancies that develops HELLP Syndrome.

This time, I get to be part of a much larger portion of the population, one that loses a baby.

For a week now, I got to be over the moon with the happiness of knowing I'd have another baby. For a week now, I've worried, fretted, anticipated, smiled too much and lovingly rubbed my belly, with its layer of fat now serving as a protection barrier.

But in the back of my mind, there was this growing concern. When I took my expensive digital pregnancy test last Friday, it lit up like a Christmas tree.

I took another one Saturday, just because I'm like that, I like to know things and have them stated to me multiple times. I got another positive.

On Sunday, I was out of expensive tests, so I started testing with my friend's left over eBay cheap pregnancy tests. It came back negative.

I wasn't worried. I figured, it's a cheap test! My period's not technically due yet if I were to have a normal 28 day cycle, and my cycle's been all over the map.

I tested again on Tuesday, and the cheap test came back negative.

Same thing on Thursday. Same thing this morning.

I mentioned to Sweetie Pie yesterday that I was concerned. Why could I not get these cheap tests to show positive? I could last time with Little Man.

This morning, I stopped by the pharmacy for an expensive test. I snuck the test into work and peed on the stick in a stall.

As I was wiping myself after peeing, there it was. A red blotch.

The world went dark. I knew what it was, but I kept reasoning with myself that it must be the fetus implanting itself or the placenta or something else.

I sat through a meeting, my brain refusing to completely believe, toilet paper stuffed in my underwear, just to keep track.

When I came out of my meeting, I rushed to the bathroom, and this time, it wasn't just spotting.

I've lost my baby.

I know that right at this moment, thousands of women around the world are probably losing a baby to miscarriage too. I know that their heartbreak combined with mine is enough to make the weight of the world a little heavier.

I wanted this baby so much.

I loved him or her already.

I have a doctor's appointment at 1:15. I've never dreaded anything more.

Love,

Catwoman.

31 comments:

Julie said...

BIG hugs to you. I'm so sorry - I know you wanted a baby so badly.

Kellie said...

I am SO sorry. I know that doesn't make it better. I know how badly you wanted this baby and my heart is breaking for you right now.

BIG HUGE hugs to you!!!

Sandcastle Momma said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I really enjoy reading your blog and the other night the Island King and I toasted your good news. Today we will say a prayer for you. I have had 6 miscarriages and can feel your loss. It never gets easier but the pain does fade. Lots of love and hugs to you!

Nina Diane said...

Oh Catwoman....my heart is so heavy for you right now. I am sending hugs and prayers to you. I don't really know the right thing to say except that you know all of us bloggers are there for you.

ohio blue eyes said...

cw i am so sorry. big bottle of wine is a must for this weekend, ok?
hugs & love to you.

AndreAnna said...

I know how must this must be killing you and breaking your heart.

I wish I had some magic words to make it better, but I don't, so hang in there, and give me a yell if you want to play scrabble. :)

Sarcastic Shan said...

I lost my first baby. Now I have . Just think of it as God knowing what's best. I lost mine after 11 weeks. You can try again next month. But for me, I didn't confirm the pregnancy till the doctor gave me the thumbs up. Don't fret. It does happen to A LOT of women. I know it doesn't make it any easier. But more of us than you think have been there. Best hopes for the future. Try again.

monster's momma said...

*big giant hugs*
wah. I am so, so sorry about this. Don't forget how many of us out here love you and feel your loss deeply. We can't take away your pain, but I hope you can take some comfort in our thought & prayers.
*hug* *hug* *hug*

Melissa said...

So sorry hon! I actually said "FUCK!" out loud when I read your post. =(

I'm not good with this stuff... My only practial advice that I can offer is ask the Dr. to check your progesterone levels today. Next time you get pg (and you will!) have them check it as soon as you get a positive and then every other day. Email me for more info when you're up to it.

Sandy said...

I am so sorry for you. You will be in my prayers.

random_mommy said...

Sending lots of love from Alabama. Hug the LM and let him kiss you and make it a little better.

Chuck said...

Sending condolences from Alabama. So sorry to hear of this.

Katie said...

I'm crying. I'm so sorry. Big hugs for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel said...

Oh, Catwoman, I am so so sorry. I cried for you. I can't not imagine what you are feeling. I wish that I could do something to make it better for you. I honestly don't know what to say except how sorry I am.

Lori said...

Having lost 4 myself, I know exactly what you are feeling. Of course, my thoughts are with you and I can only tell you that when it's the right time, it will happen. For us, that was 10 years later. Just love what you have now.

M said...

Oh I don't even have words. I'm sorry seems so empty and so not encompassing what I feel. I'm sending you so much love and prayers. My heart is so broken for you right now.

tami said...

I am so, so, so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I know how bad you wanted this baby. I am crushed for you. If there was anything I could say or do to take the pain away, I would. But all I can do is send you mental hugs and let you know I'm thinking of you. Take care.

Bren said...

So sorry for your loss. I, too, have been a statistic so I know how heartbreaking this is for you. :( Big virtual hugs coming your way.

Blue Momma said...

I've been busy today and just getting to my blogs and I find this. I am so very, very sorry. I can so feel your pain because I've been there and not so long ago. Whether you are at 5 weeks or 10 weeks or whenever, it is still just miserable. Such a loss.

I'm sending my hugs your way too, to join the rest. I'll be thinking of you and please, email me if you want to talk. Or just to let someone hear you cry. Like I'm fixing to do now. Love you, Catwoman.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I'm just getting here, too. You have every right to mourn your child. And, it is a loss. I'm so sorry chica. Super big hugs.

Becca said...

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. Trust me when I say I know what you are going through. There aren't any words to make it better but just know that we are out here thinking about you. Take care of yourself...

Emma in Canada said...

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what else to say. My heart is breaking for both of you.

Hannah said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.

Rachel said...

Bless your heart.
I have no words of wisdom, just I am so very sorry for your loss.

That Chick Over There said...

I am so, so sorry. There aren't even words for how sorry I am.

emmainlondon said...

I am truly sorry. I know how much you wanted this.

SJ said...

Cat Woman, I'm so sorry. So very sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Beccy said...

What sad news...I'm so very sorry for you all.

alissa said...

Oh my goodness... I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss.

There really are no words.

I'm a Mom!..? said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this - it wasn't until I miscarried that I actually found out how many woman I knew had also gone through this horrible experience!! Big hugs to you, hang in there!

CPA Mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear to his news....late to the game again I am...I hope you are feeling better...I have no words, no way to tell you how sorry I am...