Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Dear Dora the Explorer:

First, let me begin by saying that I'm glad that my son gets to see a strong, feisty girl look for pirate treasures and get through icky sticky mud, rather than some weepy whiny chick who sits around wishing for a prince. I'm like you where I don't give a shit that it makes me weird to hang out with a monkey and to like climbing volcanoes. And I think it's nice for my son to see that I'm not the only girl like that. I think that because of you, he'll grow up to be a modern man, who does his share of the household chores and doesn't call flight attendants "babe" while slapping them on the ass.

You do, however, creep me out. Let's begin with your ginormous head. I mean, I'm all about liking people who are different. I realize that not everyone can have a proportionate head, like Victoria Beckham for example. She's married to one of the hottest men, and yet she looks like one of those giant lollipops from the fair. But I am curious to know how in the world that little neck of yours can hold up that giant head. And does your mom have to buy t-shirts from the big and tall store and then cut off the excess fabric?

Also? Sometimes I feel like despite the uncomfortable staring at me thing that you do, where you just look at me blankly and blink me some weird secret morse code message, you actually don't listen to anything I say. Like sometimes, you'll ask me a question, and just because I'm a smart ass, I'll answer incorrectly, just to piss you off. But this doesn't seem to phase you at all and you just answer "that's right!" No, Dora, it's actually not right. And I say incorrect things as a cry for attention and you choose to ignore it, you heartless bitch. And just to make it worse, at the end of the show? When you ask me what my favorite part of the day was? Sometimes, I'll tell you what I liked and you say to me "oh yeah, I liked that part too," but I can feel that you didn't listen to a word I said. Then? You launch into your favorite part and sometimes, your favorite part, is exactly what I just said word for word.

This is usually when I scream at you that I hate you and that I want to kill that stupid monkey friend of yours and feed him to you in my home made tortillas. OK, they're store bought and warmed up, but they taste homemade.

You know what? I take it back. I do think it's weird that you hang out with a monkey. Especially one that wears rubber boots and no pants.

Love,

Catwoman.

20 comments:

AndreAnna said...

Thankfully, my kid has yet to find Dora. I caught one or two episodes when I had my nephew over and for three days all I kept saying was "Swiper, stop swiping. Swiper, stop swiping" ARGH

Loukia said...

Hahahah... hilarious post! I agree with you, totally! She is sooo weird and annoying and I am glad by boy doesn't really like watching Dora. I've been meaning to blog about Dora for some time now - I'm glad you beat me to it!

Karl Bakla said...

What about the Wiggles? Those guys are creepy!

Huckdoll said...

Dora is bad news...

Dora's an illegal immigrant...always on a mission to transport a package. That sneaky fox is always trying to steal her "stuff"

nuff said

Kellie said...

The above comment? Cracked me up!! Morgan sort of likes Dora, but it's not something I remind her of. Same with the Wiggles.

Now? I have "D-D-D-Dora" stuck in my head and "Swiper stop swiping! Swiper stop swiping!"

Wonderfreakinful!

wondercat said...

LOL! You're so right on about the giant head and the staring problem! Hilarious!

Morgan Leigh said...

take a step back from the t.v. screen and put the knife down.

:)

Love the post. You are hilarious.

And it freakes me the hell out when she asks questions and then waits for you to answer. I hate Dora.

And? I hate when she's all like "Stand up, please! Stand up! Stand up!" a dozen and a half times. It's freaky.

Rachel said...

Holy shit, that was funny. Got to be the best post I've read all week!!!

random_mommy said...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=D8rGgcv4uuQ

go watch this! I'm a Mom!?! sent it to me and it is too funny! Your Dora hatred will make it even funnier.

Julie said...

Thankfully my girls aren't into Dora. We went to a mega themed Dora birthay party once and i thought I would loose it.

Nina Diane said...

it's sort of how I feel about that stupid spongebob guy........

Sandy said...

My daughter went to buy something with her debit card yesterday and I just kept saying, "Swiper, no swiping!" Yeah, I need help - or tequila!

Slick said...

Crazy ass Dora....

I think she needs help and maybe, just maybe.....this post will wake her big headed ass up.

Wonder if her Mom is hot?

Rachel said...

Rolling. No. Shit. Actually laughing my (not so tiny white) ass off.
Thanks, I needed this!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I concur. Her head? Is shaped like a football. I don't know why none of her relatives haven't used it as a soccer ball. And, the purple monkey, blue bull, and strangely drawn purple squirrel? I don't get them.

Emma in Canada said...

Saoirse loves to say "Swiper! No swiping" and then go "Oh man." I'm assuming that's what Swiper says.

And should you ever need a penis shaped cake? The Dora one works perfectly. That giant head? Balls. A little chopping off of the feet and you have the rest.

Seriously, Dora was invented for a reason.

Perhaps the next time you have a penis shaped poop you should take another look at it. You might just be pooping Doras.

Blue Momma said...

Ok, I was going to say I always root for Swiper, but after Emma's comment I feel just a bit weird saying it.

I was going to make a cranberry upside down cake today, but now all I can think about is penis cake.

Thanks to the two Canadians for turning my Thanksgiving into penis day!!!

alissa said...

Okay, after this post it's official. I want you to move back to Canada... you can come and live with me. But only till you find your own place.

Daphne said...

Wow I thought I was the only one who gave Dora the wrong answers, lol.
My daughter Loves Dora, so I'm stuck with her, lol.
Funny post! Thanks!

Poodlehead said...

Ok - what about those two humongous bumps on her head? My niece asked what 'bilingual' meant so I told her that Dora was talking about the bumps on her head. Since Dora has two that makes her bilingual. And we only have one so we are monolingual.