Monday, November 19, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: I'm Officially Old

It's happened people. Sometime around 5:28 p.m. yesterday, I officially became a crotchety old lady.

I'm so sorry. I tried to stop it as long as I could. I mean, I still listen to teeny bopper music. I leer inappropriately at 20-year old boys who jog topless (come on, they're just asking to be treated like meat when they let their nipples get chafed by the warm air. And you know what would make that chafing better? Me rubbing warm oil all over their chest... ... Uhm. Where was I?).

Sorry. I'm back. I've done everything in my power to make sure that I became one of those ladies on Maury Povich whose teenagers take them on the show because they're like so embarrassing with like their wearing of mid-riff baring Hannah Montana baby tees.

Except I have a gut on me now. So no mid-riff for me. Plus, I couldn't name you one Hannah Montana song, due to the lack of 6-year old girls in my house. Well, that's not true. I keep hearing them talking about Hannah Montana on the radio. So I know that she has this one song named Best of Both Worlds.

Is losing track of your point another sign of old age?

If it is, case closed. Throw me in the old folks home.

But there are two realizations that occurred yesterday that made me realize that those are two age spots on my face, and not random freckles, what with me never having freckled in my whole life.

I was at the nice grocery store by our house getting a few things for Thanksgiving yesterday afternoon, just getting the things that Walmart in all of its trashiness doesn't carry.

I spotted two teenage girls about 15 or 16 years old, who were gossiping. These are the type of girls who made my life a living hell in high school, so I tend to have disdain with them. They're the pretty girls and the ones whose moms agree with them that school is a fashion show, so they have the cool clothes instead of the ones grandma sent them like I did. Not that I'm bitter, or anything. As I was passing them, I realized that the prettiest one wasn't wearing shoes. In the freaking grocery store. Now I have to say that I'm foot-phobic. So this isn't going to help with my having a huge problem with this. I mean is there not a freaking sign in front of every store, particularly stores with food that say you must wear shoes?

I glowered at them, which of course they didn't notice, since I'm in my 30's, which to a 15 year-old is about 10 gazillion years old. As I passed them, I was so disgusted that I finally whirled around and said loudly, since I don't have an inside voice "You do realize that you have to wear shoes in the store?" She stopped her conversation and looked embarrassed and nodded slightly. But I was on a roll and shaking with anger. "That's absolutely disgusting and against the law." Because not only am I old, but I'm also a legal expert, don't you know. In my world? Also illegal? Matt Damon wearing a shirt. Him topless in the grocery store? No problems and the total antonym of disgusting. Unless he's far away from the chocolate syrup, then I might be slightly annoyed.

Then on the way home, I was stopped at a red light and day dreaming, as old people tend to do. The light turned green and I didn't notice, so the driver behind me honked. I waved to apologize and putterred through the intersection. Apparently I was going too slow, because the other car veered around me. I looked over and realized that the driver? Was a woman looking like she was in her late 70's, with a full head of white permed tight curls, a lot like my grandmothers.

Apparently I'm so old, that even senior citizens can't stand me.

Love,

Catwoman.

15 comments:

Sandy said...

Old, old, old! and crotchety, too? Did I spell that right? Cause it looks like I ought to be buying you yarn!

That Chick Over There said...

I, however? Find you to be grand.

Rachel said...

LOL! Thanks, I needed the giggle.
Too funny.
You got passed by Grandma moses and sneered at by a 15 year old. What a great day.
I think you're fantastic!!!

Morgan Leigh said...

:) Oh well, I think that you are wonderful, no matter how old you get. :)

::giggle::

CPA Mom said...

I too despise those girls. Good on you for yelling at her. YEAH!!

oh, and I second CHICK.

Blue Momma said...

Maybe we could be neighbors at the old folks home because I feel I'll be headed there any day now.

But I've yet to go off on the young chicks at the grocery store. Then again, I shop when they are all in school....

Julie said...

Don't forget to soak your dentures tonight! : ) If you can't beat 'em join 'em I say.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Oh, I hope you ripped that chick a new one ala the Old Navy dressing room girl. And, I can totally picture it.

If you are old? WTF am I??? Maybe I'll go with you to Walhell for Depends.

Emma in Canada said...

I joined old a long time ago. Probably when Britney Spears first came out with Hit Me Baby One More Time and the whole world of teenage fashion changed and they all started to look like they were 21 and ready for a night at the bar. That was my old moment.

Huckdoll said...

Happy to know I'm not the only one leering at 20 year old boys.

When I say "park" to my 2 year old twin girls, they actually say, "skateboard" rather than "swing"...sad but true fact.

Anyway, are you wearing cheap drugstore brand reading spectacles yet? Cuz that's when my parents got old...

Kellie said...

Telling of a 15 year old twit AND being passed by Grandma? What a freaking DAY!! :)

Bren said...

I'll bet you scared the shit out of that girl! Too funny!

Nina Diane said...

ha.....that's great! but if you're old....good lord, I must be ancient

Rachel said...

I say we all move into the old folk's home together! That would be one kick ass old folk's home. You, however, are clearly not allowed to drive the moving van.

Nick said...

ha ha. I like to unleash a little pent up rage now and again on unassuming teenagers as well. You've provided them with a great story to tell their friends now about the crazy lady at the grocery.