Friday, October 19, 2007

Quite Enchanting

Sweetie Pie hates Little Gym. It's not that he's necessarily opposed to the concept of Little Gym. He just thinks that it's too expensive and that the teachers in their sing-songy voice and their over-enthusiasm and their need to clap and cheer every 4.8 seconds shave days off of his life every time he's forced to go.

Two Saturdays ago, I had an eye doctor's appointment and I broke the news to Sweetie Pie that he would have to take Little Man to Little Gym alone. This is way worse than that time I told Sweetie Pie that I'd somehow inexplicably racked up over $10,000 of debt on our credit cards in a rather short period of time.

Little Gym is somehow a sponsor of the new Disney Movie Enchanted (coming to a theater near you at some point, and starring the very yummy McDreamy). And because they want to get their money's worth out of their sponsorship, they feel the need to tie everything back to the movie. This has only managed to make the experience all the more painful for Sweetie Pie, who had probably scratched the word 'enchanted' from his vocabulary around the same time he gave up diapers. 'Enchanted' is as manly as a word as 'ovaries' or 'commitment'. And unless the terrorists are threatening you with a weapon of mass destruction, they just shouldn't be used.

Little Gym always begins by sitting on the rainbow mat (another action that fills his nightmares) and going around the circle telling our children's names and being forced to do something against our will, like pointing to our child's favorite body part (don't even ask me how many times I've been tempted to point to Little Man's wang, considering he bends over every diaper change to make sure it's still there). On this lovely Fall day, the teacher in her sugar-overload voice said something along the lines like "every single day, our children enchant us. Why don't you say your child's name and then tell us about the last time your child enchanted you."

Sweetie Pie probably tried to strangle himself with his bare hands at that point to no longer be subjected to this abuse.

And the parents around him began "this is Jimmy, and Jimmy enchanted us this morning by saying 'I wuv you" and "this is Molly, Molly enchanted us yesterday by giving us a big hug."

Because I had to know, when Sweetie Pie was recapping the horror and blood shed, I asked him "so what did you say?"

- The only thing I could say. This is Little Man and he can name all of his body parts in French."

Ah yes, what could be more enchanting than a half-French toddler who when you ask him what his name is, he'll point to his nose because he thinks you're saying "nez," which is French for nose.

On a bizarre note, I had a vivid dream last night that I was giving myself a Brazillian wax. In my dream, this wasn't painful at all, which should have been my first hint that this was a dream. The second would have been that I'm not flexible enough to wax my ass crack. Satan's Dog woke me up, and I was really pissed that I didn't get to finish and that I'd be all lobsided. Then I remembered I haven't shaved in three weeks, which might explain why I can't seem to get pregnant.

Love,

Catwoman.

22 comments:

That Chick Over There said...

1) Yay you are back!

2) BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sandy said...

Welcome back! So, a Canadian and a Texan have a child and the child is half French? I am soooooo confused!

Cute story, though.

Oh wait, it's like my daughter saying that she's Irish-Italian when all of my family is German. Wait, that was a LONG time ago. We are all A-mur-i-kens now.

TooManyBoys said...

omg....you kill me!! This was hysterical :)

**In the same situation....I'd be tempted too, Ryans fav body part hands down is his twig-n-berries (no, I don't teach him that one..lol)**

DawnoftheDay said...

I'm am completely cracking up at your journal! This was so funny! My husband would have been the same way. Actually, I'm not sure if I would have been able to get him to go in the first place. He would have said, "I would rather slit my wrists!" I can hear it now! (That's his favorite saying for when I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do.)

As for your dream, what a hoot! Girl, go get a razor already! lol

ohio blue eyes said...

I will help you wax that ass crack anytime baby. You can count on me!

Grandmagoose said...

You are too much,LMAO!!!

jesse said...

This was the laugh I needed just because and I'm glad you're on here I've missed you.

Morgan Leigh said...

You are so funny! I am so happy that you are back! :-)

I don't think my hubby would use the word "enchanted" either, even if his life depended on it. lol.

Kellie said...

HORRAY!! You're back!!

And? Still cracking me up. No really. See? This? Right here? (pointing to my arse)? I laughed so hard I cracked it :)

Rachel said...

I bet Sweetie Pie would love it if you could wax your own ass.

AndreAnna said...

This was so funny! Mike actually likes the gym we take Charlotte too but it doesn't seem nearly as corny!

And get the Mach Power razor.. might take a layer of skin off, but the layer underneath will be baby smooth!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I'm so glad you've returned. We missed you.

And, you have seen Puppy at Little Gym. You know how he hates it, too, and he says when he goes and you are there I ignore him & love you...whiny ass.

I am so proud Sweetie Pie went by himself. That took huevos grandes. Pup NEVER would've done that, as he thinks that teacher you described is sniffing glue in the back room in order to get that insane high.

Your dream? Wonder what it means? I tried three different dream sites & none seemed to include any form of bikini wax. But, as always, my dear, I peed a little reading it. Cause waxing? Sucks big donkey balls.

Julie said...

YAY YOU ARE BACK!!! My husband hates Little Gym also - he thinks all the instructors are quacks. I'm like they are instructor children so of course they talk slowly and in funny voices.

Blue Momma said...

I'm glad Sweetie Pie handled things well. I hate to think what my hubby would have said.

He probably would have missed the question as he would be too busy flirting with the mommy next to him!

Punkin's favorite body part is the same as Little Mans. He said it tickles when he plays with it - and boy, does he ever play with it!

I'm a Mom!..? said...

Tell Sweetie Pie welcome to our world!! It think it's good for them to get a dose of the stuff we endure for the sake of the children!

jempress said...

i've heard that the best thing is using "magic cream" they sell it at walmart or target in the African American men's hair product section. I have yet to use it, but I heard it's amazing. :) :) :) leaves you baby smooth.

Beccy said...

Yay, I'm glad you didn't leave us for too long. I so felt for sweetie pie, I don't think I could sit through that either.

CC said...

I love you're last bit re the connection between the 'hair down there' and difficulties getting pregnant. I blame pubic hair for everything!

emmainlondon said...

Completely selfishly glad you are back to posting! What a relief to have a dose of laughing out loud again.

Haphazardkat said...

ass crack fuzz...
*falls over laughing!!*

Slick said...

Geeezus, I don't know how "Sweetie Pie" did it. Ain't no way in hell I'd have gone....

Unless Trish forced me to.

You dreamed of givimg your ownself a waxjob? What happened to cabana boys or them hot male beauty salon employees?

CPA Mom said...

we've been going to the Little Gym for over a 2 years now - the kids love it so it's worth the adult torture. Luckily ours is not saccarine like that. And our mat is red, not rainbow. I know, you wish you were me.