Wednesday, October 10, 2007

My Day Off: An Essay by Catwoman

I was always supposed to take Monday off. After all, it's Canadian Thanksgiving and you can't fly all the way to Canada without taking the day off. I'm pretty sure that would make me be considered AWOL, and considering I still have a bunch of pregnancy clothes that I bid on ebay this past weekend in an incident that will forever be known from now on as that time my brain and my uterus weren't speaking and didn't know they had different goals, I need to keep working so that I can actually afford to pay for all this designer stuff.

My body obviously has a deep-rooted loyalty to the Old Navy and Target clothes my broke ass has been wearing all this time, and now that I found a loop hole and can buy cheap designer duds, my body refuses to turn its back on the cheap clothing that has kept us from being naked all these years.

Enough whining and moping. Millions of women get their periods every month, and you don't hear them whining about it. Well, if you don't, that's because you're not reading their blogs. Because actually, even women who want to get their period whine about it. Makes you wonder why we're not all on that one period a year pill. Well, those of us not trying to get pregnant, anyway.

Back to the subject at hand. So I had Monday off. But was not in Canada, due to the incident as that time the government decided everyone should have a passport, therefore causing a backlog so great that no one can get a passport without a year's notice. And since I'm really lazy and don't want to jump over the big imaginary fence on the 49th parallel that has on one side the big bad USA and on the other side flowers, sunshine and lots of snow, I'm still here in Texas.

Since I have some vacation days left and October 8th was already next to my name on the vacation board at work and it seemed like too much effort to grab the eraser and wipe back and fourth over the writing a grand total of once, I kept it off.

This worked out great, because I was able to pack in about eight weeks of activities into one day.

In the morning, Little Man and I hung out. He watched Finding Nemo, an activity he would do approximately 38 times in one day if I let him, and despite my trying to bribe him with chocolate covered Trix cereal drenched with pure frosting and sprinkled with confectioner's sugar to watch anything else, since we own about 48 Disney movies, he just sternly shakes his head at me and states "No Mama, I watch Nemo." He says this in a manner that leads you to think that the world will end if we don't do as he says. And I'm not willing to mess with the fate of the world, if you are, come to my house and try to pop the Aristocats in, please.

After I'd showered and had me a healthy breakfast of soy milk and cereal, since I was still hoping to be pregnant at the time (in comparison, this morning, I had a cup of coffee drowned in Creme Brulee Coffee Mate with a four-pack of powdered donuts. Enjoy, you bitch Aunt Flo), I cooed to Little Man how awesome and fun it would be to get him dressed.

This is a ritual we perform everyday, where he yells at me to take my dirty hands off his damn pajama tops, although he uses much more vile language than that, I'm sure, I just don't understand a good part of it, since it's said at an octave that only the dogs can hear.

Once I'd wrestled Little Man into some clean clothes and stitched up the gash in my forehead I received during our bout, we were on our way to playdate number one. Where Little Man promptly got threatened by his good friend K. because he held two trucks she apparently wanted. The first time this occured, he pretty much pooped his Pull Up and said "'ere you go!" and practically threw the objects at her in an effort to stop her from pummeling him. He's known her since they were six months old, he knows that you don't want to make her angry. However, by the end of the playdate, Little Man figured out that she wasn't any bigger than him and held his ground a couple of times, including once when she tried to take the chair from him, not only did he not budge, but when she couldn't sit on the chair and fell down instead, he congratulated her. My Little Man is developing a back bone, which he will surely need by junior high.

We went home for a munch needed nap before play date number two. My Little Man, who normally sleeps the full 2.5 hours at school and always has to be woken up, because at home he'll sleep from three to four hours for nap time, only slept about an hour and a half. This meant that when he woke up, he was quite the bear.

When I told him he was going to SD's house, Anglo's son, he looked at me like I was crazy. Seriously? More socializing? When he's 50 percent hermit genetics from my husband's side. Plus he's a Baptist hermit, which means that not only does he not like people, he also won't dance alone in the living room in his underwear. Which to me, besides reading, is the only fun thing to do when you're alone. Well, there might be a third thing, but I'm sure the Baptists wouldn't agree with that activity either.

Anyhoo... So we head to Anglo's house and all is swell, being who she is, she's got an arsenal of activities for the kids and prizes galore and I'm pretty sure the only reason there wasn't a petting zoo and an army of juggling clowns is because they all got stuck in traffic somewhere. Because Anglo is like the Martha Stewart of playdate planners.

Little Man is having a great time, we paint clay pots into candy corn and he thinks this is the swellest thing ever, especially when I'm forced to take his shirt off because he's getting paint all over himself. Nudity at a playdate? That's when you know it's a good one.

Of course, all of the moms there brought their kid's costume, because it was a Halloween party, but I'd forgotten Little Man's, because one, I forgot and two, he hates it and when we put it on him for our annual picture session at The Picture People (future post, I'm waiting on the online link to post the pics), he kept yelling "I'm stuck! I'm stuck!"

All was well, until one of the little boys at the party dressed in his Spiderman costume, complete with full head cover. When Little Man spotted him, his whole body clenched against mine and he started yelling "No spiderman! No spiderman!" To the point that I had to move him to the kitchen to try to explain to him that it was just one of his friends wearing a costume, but Little Man didn't want to hear about it, he was reliving the nightmare of Sesame Place all over again.

In fact, yesterday in the car when I asked about Little Man about his day at school, since he doesn't have the concept of days down just yet, he told me how he colored, read books, played with the cars in the gym and then mentioned "not nice Spiderman." I tried to tell him that Spiderman was actually his friend and was nice, but I'm pretty sure that we won't be able to buy the Pampers Pull-Ups with Spiderman on them any longer.

Also? I made the best freaking Indian food.

Best part? I worked half a day in total on my day off handling random things, so now I still have half a day to take off, which I think I'll use at a consignment sale at the end of the month.




Julie said...

Sounds like a fun day off. You were a nice mommy to keep Little Man home with you. I need one of those days off soon where the kids still go to daycare!

M said...

What a fabulous day! Aside from the not nice spiderman.

I swear that child of yours cracks me up. Let's not even get started on your hilarity.

And you and AFF together with your kidfolks? Makes me wanna shriek in jealousy.

Is it wrong that I'm super glad you have to battle the clothing hell too because I am sooooo tired of it and take joy in others dealing with it. Misery loves company and all that.

(Btw...anytime you want a wax streaked pie come on over. They're my specialty!)

monster's momma said...

You forgot to mention that not only did Little Man stand up to my monster he made out with her! ;)

Kellie said...

I'm moving to Texas so I can have cool playdates with you and AFF.


Morgan Leigh said...

i second kellie's motion. we all will move to texas and stalk....i mean have playdates with you and Anglo.

Loukia said...

Too bad you didn't make it up to Canada! The weather here was shit, though... and your son naps for 3 to 4 hours? Wow! What time does he go to bed at night? My son is currently going to bed - I kid you not - at midnight!!!!!!!!! There is nothing we can do about it. I won't let him cry... so he gets his way. He's up at 8. Naps for 2 hours a day. Usually at 1 or 2 p.m. I need toddler sleep therapy!

Loukia said...

Also? Does your son get scared during certain parts of Nemo? My boy does... it's so cute/sad...

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I knew your take on the events would be totally hee lar e ous! The pictures with Catwoman in them are over at my place from Monday. Naked Little Man is in one of them. I love little boys who streak. You know they'll be the dare devils come high school. I can't wait to see what the Baptist grandparents think when he's the one who moons everybody at the French school!!!

Blue Momma said...

Your day off sounds like fun, but it made me tired just reading it! Way too much action for a day off.

My day off today? Still in my gown at 3pm, reading blogs and laughing my ass off!

I say we hunt down Aunt Flo and kill her ass so she will leave us alone. If she shows up at my house this month you will hear me screaming all the way to Texas!

AndreAnna said...

I'd need a day off to recoup from my day off.

That Chick Over There said...

That sounds like a nice day.

I? Took Monday off because my daughter was sick.

Also? 1/2 day today because she was puking in the bathroom at school.

Not as much fun, surprisingly.

Haphazardkat said...

holy crap! You're Super Mom!!!

BTW. My son is 9 (and a half, mommmm)...and still watches movies over and over and over and...

*saws at my wrists*

Rachel said...

Can you make me some Indian food?