Friday, September 07, 2007

Even Clearblue Hates Me

So those of you who read both my blog and Ohio Blue Eyes know that we were copulation partners this month. This is the century old tradition of trying to get pregnant at exactly the same moment with someone 100 miles away. We also made sure to think of each other during the act, so that we could make this as weird as possible to anyone not part of our conception pact.

My Aunt Flo is due exactly one day after Ohio's, simply because that's my birthday and Aunt Flo wants to make sure she ruins it by showing up on my doorstep with a case of Zima and an attitude problem on the exact day I will consider myself too old to keep trying to get on The Real World.

Yesterday (or the day before, it's hard for me to keep track), Ohio posted that she found out she's expecting her second baby. They're fertile in Ohio, it's probably because they fantasize about their home boy, Drew Carey, and they eat lots of corn.

So this morning, I woke up at 5 a.m. and after tossing and turning for 15 minutes, I realized I had to pee really, really bad.

And I realized that being four days out before my Aunt Flo, that it was time for me to start pushing my gut out of the way so that I can pee on a stick roughly the size of a Q-tip, all while trying not to urinate on my hands, and find out if I too am with child and can time my c-section to occur all while Ohio is screaming for an epidural in the next room.

Because I'm thinking we'll meeting in Kansas and deliver together. It's a must, at this point.

I had one expensive digital pregnancy test left and so I ripped it out of its packaging peed on it and stared at the little flashing digital hour glass for an eternity, all while holding my breath, and when the test was right about to flash either the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant", the screen went blank.

I stared at it for an eternity and then started cursing it out, because really? How rude for it to fail!

I grabbed the pamphlet and in it, it clearly states that if you get a blank screen, you should call Clear Blue.

Which I did. And guess what? Those bastards aren't there at 5:22 a.m. CST. So they weren't able to tell me if I was in fact pregnant.

I'm about to call them now, but even if they offer to send me a new test, that'll be pretty useless to me.

I'll take another one tomorrow morning.

So there's your weekend suspense...

I'll let you know what the Clear Blue gods said...

Love,

Catwoman.

15 comments:

Julie said...

Damn digital technology! I hope you get positive results when you retest!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

How dare that outsourced customer service center in Bombay not be there to answer your every whim!Rat bastards.

random_mommy said...

Crossing my fingers for you...

ohio blue eyes said...

GET THEE TO A DRUGSTORE @ LUNCH TIME DAMNIT, SO YOU DONT HAVE TO KEEP US WAITING!!!!!

Honestly. I dont trust them new fangled digital pee sticks. They are a bunch of hocus pocus wizardry to us here in ohio, where apparantly, we can get knocked up like teenagers in the back of a mustang on prom night...

ohio blue eyes said...

and also?

its more like 1,453 miles from cleveland to texas...

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&geocode=&saddr=texas&daddr=cleveland,+ohio&sll=36.12101,-90.795685&sspn=19.474995,35.244141&ie=UTF8&ll=36.315125,-90.878906&spn=19.431749,35.244141&z=5&om=1

ohio blue eyes said...

ok, that link didnt work...ghetto
but i googled it, b/c FUN...and its a damn long ways away!

AndreAnna said...

I won't even use those digital ones because I've had too many problems with errors. You wait for 3 minutes to turn the damn thing over, and then its busted because you peed on it wrong.

Gimme the two dollar kind anyday!

M said...

for piss hell's sake. the horror and evilness in the stupid test. (And dude...here's my assvise and what I did every time because that digital shit is expensive. You buy cheap ass-bonus if they are dollar store-tests. Then when you cannot tell wtf is up with the test you go buy a digital. Then the digital confirms that a line is a line and you are in fact pregnant and you just wasted $15 when if you just trusted the lame tests you'd already know.)

Now. Here's for tomorrow's test being much more decisive. And while I realize you aren't usually a weekend blogger my freaking word verification is eggot. Which is egg...like fertilized and and ot. like ought to tell us if the egg is fertilized. right? or something like that.

Stupid blank screen evil hell. Boo and a hiss.

my minivan is faster than yours said...

I always made it a point to pee on sticks too early so they first came back negative. That gave me the permission I was seeking to tell the entire world how everyone hates me and nothing good ever happens to me.

Then two days later I would realize that I was in fact pregnant. I'm an angry bitch.

Rachel said...

Ok, I am crossing my fingers for you, but I am totally gonna kick your ass!

Loukia said...

Hi! I am just catching up with all your posts now. Yay that your little man is 2 years old now. I feel for you, I do, can't believe where my little baby has gone! 2 years old! Craziness... but the best damn age, ever, too, don't you think? They are so much fun. :) Good lust testing again tomorrow... maybe buy a First Response test? Maybe you'll have better luck with that?

Kellie said...

I've been keeping up with Ohio and her baby making progress. Hadn't checked today, so didn't know she is knocked!!

BLANK?! WTF?! I'm mad and it's not even my potential baby.

Morgan Leigh said...

omg that is crazy. ugh! stupid newfangled technology and all that kind of crap. why do they even try to make our lives easier? it's much more fun to have 100 people try to guess with you if it is indeed two lines, or only one.

does anyone know if the dollar story pregnancy tests actually work? because they are like 3/$1 and seriously, that's such a deal I would buy some just for the hell of it.

Emma in Canada said...

There is such a thing as weekend blogging you know. I'm in suspense!

Sam said...

OMG I must have missed something because I didn't even know you were trying for another baby, lol. Good luck :o)