Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Where Does He Get This Stuff?

Little Man has been so grateful to be home for the last few days and back to his routine, that he's been particularly fun. Tantrums are at a minimum and sunshine pours out of every orifice of his, except for his butt, which insists on continuing to create hazardous waste because really, we haven't quite raped the environment long enough with disposable diapers.

A few stories that must be shared, now that those pesky Humor Blogs reviewers are long gone and back to reading Star Trek scripts re-written in Ye Olde English, or whatever it is that they actually think is funny.

Yesterday, I was washing Little Man's hands after dinner (I'd do it before he eats, but he only gets spaghetti sauce on his hands during dinner, so it would really defeat the purpose), which he usually screams at me that I'm an evil bitch who needs to die during the entire process, but since he didn't this time, I said to him when I put him down "You did it! Yay, Little Man!" To which he pumped both arms in the air way over his head and said, with no enthusiasm in his voice, "Whoo-hoo."

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I'm trying to teach Little Man pronouns, because I usually say to him "Give Maman a kiss" which means that at this rate, he'll be one of those crazy people on reality television, who refer to themselves in the third person all the time. Or he'll be a World Wrestling Federation wrestler, which is about the most embarrassing thing to me. I mean really, I'd rather he be that guy who dresses in a chicken costume and stands in front of "Crazy Pollo" with coupons offering two bucks off a bucket of fried chicken bits. But please don't let my son become a professional wrestler.

But back to my point. Last night, I'm laying on the couch trying to convince Little Man to be quiet, because I'm trying to drink a beer while watching Big Brother, and his singing is preventing me from laughing at the humiliation of these human lab rats and really, shouldn't my son be learning to feed me oreos, rather than be inventing songs? I mean, like anyone's ever made money from singing. But oreo feeding? I'm sure that'd be a very rewarding profession.

And so to try to shut him up, I tell him "Little Man, come here and give me a kiss?" And I jabbed myself in the chest a few times with my index finger during the "me" so that he'd understand. Little Man looked at me confused, sighed, came over and kissed me on the chest where I had just pointed to.

Apparently he now thinks I call my sternum Me.

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Since Big Brother wasn't yet over and Little Man was still awake, he was running around and all of a sudden walked up to our poor older dog and wacked him on the head with his xylophone's stick. He laughed and I said to him "Hey! That's not nice!" He ran right up to me and said, while wagging his finger "You not nice, Mama!" Wh-what? Which then led me to stammer "no! No! I'm nice, I'm nice! You-you're the one who's not nice!"

Which was kind of pointless, because he'd already left the room and couldn't hear me. But for the record? I am nice. I don't wack dogs on the head for no reason. Unless I'm drunk. But then, I'm doing it by accident, I swear.

Love,

Catwoman.

11 comments:

Morgan Leigh said...

you are so funny. :)

Kellie said...

You? Crack me up.

Blue Momma said...

Little Man is just too cool!

Punkin' messes his pronouns up all of the time. I'm thinking if I ever do go sit in his lap when he says "sit in my (he means Momma's) lap" maybe he'll catch on.

Or maybe you could just come help with Punkin' too? I think they'd make quite a class for you, Teach!

NeUrOtIc CuRb ChEcKiNg SuV dRiVeR said...

At least you still haven't needed the pet psychologist. And, like you I'm hoping he repeats my words, so finally, I get, "Oh, it's my sweet Lanny dog. I love her." But does that stop him from chasing her with random toys in order to whack her or from trying to step on the tail with a Damien malevolence? Nope. I think you're pretty nice Mama.

Beccy said...

Lol, to get over the trauma I think you need some dairy milk dunked in a nice hot cuppa!

Nina Diane said...

hahaha.....thanks for the laughs!!

Rachel said...

Hilarious! Why is it that our children don't have anything to say to us until we get on the phone or try to watch something on tv! By the way, who ya think is goin home??

Morgan Leigh said...

i don't mind if you add me to your blogroll, i already added you to mine, hope that's ok! :)

Blue Momma said...

Do you still want the Wonder Pets ringtone? Email if you do and I'll send it.

Emma in Canada said...

It's a sad statement on what is happening to my mind when I actually had to think to myself about what a pronoun was. Duh.

M said...

oh hell almighty i love him. please. send him to me. with a side of you! thanks.