Monday, August 20, 2007

Reasons Why I Suck

Here's what I've accomplished this weekend:

1. I managed to lose a two-dollar off coupon for Little Man's Nutripal bars. The other coupons I had with me were each for 25 cents off. But the only one I lost was the two-dollar one. I told Sweetie Pie that because of my negligence, he would have to buy two fewer Slurpies this month. It's only fair that he'd pay for my mistakes.

2. I managed to get a tampon stuck up my vijayjay. (And yes, that means that bitch Aunt Flo showed up stinking of booze and cigarettes four days late with no explanation as to why she was sleeping on my porch with no panties. I have absolutely no respect for the woman and will do everything I can this month to ensure she doesn't come back for another year. Even if it means I have to put out more than once a week, because, damn it, I'm a woman on a mission.) But back to the tampon. I go to take it out yesterday evening, yank on the string and I hear a distinct snap and in my hand is nothing but the string. Immediately I panic, picturing myself in the ER, my vijayjay exposed to some really hot Grey's Anatomy intern who's violating me with a pair of pliers trying to rescue the OB tampon I've taken hostage. Luckily, I got it out. I'll simply tell you it involved a fork.

I'm kidding. No kitchen utensils were used during the hostage negotiations. But there was much praying for the sucker to come out to save me from much humiliation.

3. Because it was Restaurant Week here this week, where all these fancy restaurants have three course meals for $35 per person, Sweetie Pie and I went out on Saturday night to celebrate our two anniversaries a little late and a little early, since this weekend was right smack in the middle of the two. I wanted to wear something sexy, so I dusted off the back of my closet where my sexy dresses are. There, I found dresses that I used to wear in my early 20's, back when I was taking the city of Toronto by storm with my wit and my boobs. One dress that I found was my little black dress. The kind that all women need to own. One that hugged my curves in a way that made me feel like I could totally make Heidi Klum pick up a hamburger. On that accentuated my boobs so dramatically, that if I took a sharp turn, I could poke someone's eye out with my nipples. I loved that dress. That dress made me feel sexy and hot and like I could steal Brad Pitt away from Angelina Jolie. Although, they weren't together 10 years ago. So I guess maybe I would have stolen Alec Baldwin from Kim Basinger, since they were still together then. But that analogy just seems a lot weaker somehow. Anyhoo... I'd completely forgotten about the dress and I felt like I should try it on, just because I have had Slim Fast on and off for three weeks now (I'm not including vacation week in the middle, obviously) and well, hope springs eternal, right? And this is where it becomes tragic, people. Because the dress that put Toronto on the map 10 years ago? It is now a really sexy shirt on me. I'm not freaking kiddig you. Britney Spears has shown much less of her coochie than I would if I were to wear this dress again. And so now? I wear my dress with jeans. And I look freaking hot doing so. I even got complimented on my really cute shirt. And the world became just a little sadder.

Love,

Catwoman.

14 comments:

Kellie said...

Reeking of booze and smokes and wearing no panties, huh? What a beyatch she is!!

I've lost an OB before. Scared me to pieces and back. Always fearful of that now.

I was DYING on the dress description. Especially the poking eyes out with the nipples part. Glad you can still rock it. Who cares if it's as a shirt.

Emma in Canada said...

I think I told the story in my blog once before of how my mother had to pull a tampon out for me because it was stuck. Embarassing to say the least. And what's the deal with all these bloggers I read getting AF at the same time? I'd understand if we all lived in the same college dorm, but this is pushing that close female thing.

Julie said...

I always wondered how to spell vijayjay. I always think of Oprah when I hear that word - kind of weird huh?

CPA Mom said...

You have returned the laughing favor in spades my friend. "And the world became just a little sadder?" I'm LMAO. Go have a vanilla slim-fast on me. Tehehehehe

Morgan Leigh said...

you are so funny. lmao. :)

Beccy said...

Lol, I too have a dress that is now a shirt, makes me sigh everytime I put it on.

Slick said...

lol...geeezus woman, what the hell can I say about this post???

Thanks for the mental images I reckon'

jesse said...

Girl as usual you had me laughing. Oh hey did Little Man get scared by the 6 ft Elmo?

AndreAnna said...

Oh, us women and our vijayjay situations!

And I would gain at least 30 pounds if my city had a restaurant week!

NeUrOtIc CuRb ChEcKiNg SuV dRiVeR said...

Where'd you guys eat? I mean I'm shipped home to my mom's for two weeks without any possible way of spending money, but somehow we were able to do Restaurant Week on both Tuesday and Thurs.

Oh, and at least when you put your bikini on today your mother didn't say, "Have you gained weight? Your ass is back again." Yah. Day 1 w/mom. Only 14 more to go....

cowboytf said...

Oh my god...I was laughing so hard while reading this. You are hilarious!! I can totally relate to the whole dress becoming a shirt.
You silly girl:)

That Chick Over There said...

I just...can't get past #2.

Rachel said...

Holy shit! Number 2? That's the funniest thing I've read in a while!!!!!!

And, you can't tell us about being all hot and sexy on a date with Sweetie Pie and not give us a pic of the hottness that is the new little black shirt!

Alyssa said...

between your whore aunty flow, your stuck tampon and your little black dress you had me rolling!