Friday, August 17, 2007

Realizations

A lot has happened to me during the past few days. Nothing Earth shattering, just some realizations.

First, I've officially lost my home town. This makes me sad and kind of makes me feel like I'm homeless. Toronto is the city I always called home. I wasn't born there, I didn't even spend most of my life there, but it's where I spent the longest period of time, from the time I was 14 to 24. My parents no longer live there, but it's where I spent my formative years. Where I got my first apartment. Where I maxed out my first credit card. Where I learned that you can live on pasta and tomato sauce for months on end because you spend too much money drinking with your friends on the weekend. It's where I got my first pet that wasn't inherited from my parents. It's also the place that I always knew that if things didn't work out with Sweetie Pie, I could go back to. But I have no family there, just memories.

And since on September 10th, it'll be seven years that I've lived in the Dallas metroplex, and I haven't been back to Toronto since 2002, since I always go to Canada to see my family, over the years, emails and calls with friends have seen longer and longer lapses of time go by in between them. Until I was left with just one friend who I'd speak to occasionally by IM or email and who came to visit me last year. But now? My last friend in Toronto emailed to say she was moving. She's putting her condo on the market and leaving town. She'll actually be living in the same town as my parents, which means I can see more often now, which is good. But it also means that now, I no longer have any excuse to ever return to Toronto, except for maybe as a tourist, which doesn't make sense since Sweetie Pie came up a bunch of times when we were dating long distance. And so that's it. I've lost my home town. My heart feels tight and my throat is filled with bile and I feel like I could cry. I have to mourn. I know it's silly. Most of you would say that after seven years here and a family created here, that this would now be my hometown. And I guess it will be, now. But that doesn't mean I can't mourn the loss of Toronto, and all of its glitziness and culture and pockets of multi-culturalism that offer you the best foods of the world. And its clean Loblaws with their amazing President's Choice decadent cookies. And the Eaton Center and the pubs of Yonge Street where I moaned about my love life for so many nights, all while flirting across the bar with whoever the cutest guy happened to be. And the subway, that I took so many times over the year, that I can still recite many of the Yonge line's stops in order. The business of Bay street with its hot financial guys in their suits. The funk of Queen Street West. The snootiness of York Avenue with its people with a different lifestyle that I couldn't even comprehend in my early 20's. All of it will now be stories that I tell my grandchildren someday, but may only see again once or twice in my life.

So goodbye, Toronto. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you until I was gone.

Another realization? This morning, I was watching my son who was watching Jack's Big Music Show in our living room, standing about four inches in front of the TV, his tussled hair gleaming in the glow of the screen. And it knocked the breath out of me how much I truly love that kid. He's my best friend, my best bud, the one I can't wait to see when I awaken in the morning. The one whose voice makes me gallop up the stairs when I realize he's awake and who makes me smile when he grins so wide that his face might split in half. The one who laughs so hard at my jokes that he gets the hiccups and makes me laugh so hard, that I always end in tears. The one who's taught me that there are way more important worries in life than the size of my butt or whether I have a pimple waiting to form. The one who's taught me that nothing is more fun than dancing silly in the living room. And that slurping spaghetti makes you laugh so hard that it's a much better workout for your abs than a bunch of crunches.

I remember being pregnant and worrying that I wouldn't love my kid enough. Now? As his second birthday approaches at alarming speeds, I can't imagine how my chest cavity hasn't quadrupled in size from the amount of love in me.

Love,

Catwoman.

14 comments:

Beccy said...

Reading this makes me glad my parents still live in my home town. I still call it home so in fact I have two homes!

Blue Momma said...

Little Man is lucky to have a Mom like you. You'll have to let him read you blog when he's older - though you might want to edit out the "good stuff".

Can you please write a sweet post for my Punkin's birthday? I think it, but just can't get it into words. And you do it so well.

Morgan Leigh said...

:) i've lost my home town too, don't be too upset! :( :)

Melissa said...

I live in the Toronto area. You can be my crazy adopted cousin.... even though we've never met and I'm just another one of your blog stalkers... OK? :)

I can keep you up to date on important Toronto developments. eriously though... can you believe they had the nerve to rename the Skydome while I was out of the country? No one sent me a memo on that one. Cuz I do not approve.

M said...

This made me cry on so many levels.

And made me sad that I never really had a 'home'. I need to make a home dammit.

And you = kick ass mama but you knew that.

Kellie said...

Some of my family and a few friends live in my hometown. But, for other reasons? I think I "lost" my hometown when I fled after my marriage blew up.

Also? I had one of those "HOLY CRAP!! I love this kid" moments yesterday. I know exactly how you feel.

Rachel said...

Dude, I will gladly give you my hometown. You own a gun right? Cuz, you'll need it.

And, just wait until Little Man starts pointing out those pimples and the size of your butt. Ahhh, good times.

NeUrOtIc CuRb ChEcKiNg SuV dRiVeR said...

I know the feeling. I really, really miss my hometown, too. I hope you get the opportunity to visit frequently, just for kicks.

And, LM's a doll. Of course motherhood makes you giddy. It's God's way of repaying you for what the kid did to your body.

Katie said...

HI there, this is my first ever post, but I've been reading you for a year now. I, too, moved away from my hometown to move down here for a guy (11 years ago now!) and I know how you feel. Fortunately, my brother still lives up there so I do get to go back once a year. If he ever moved away, I, too, would mourn the loss of my hometown in Wisconsin.

On another note... I have a 16 month old son and sooo love reading your entries about your son, you say all the things that are in my head that I have NO way to articulate!!

Oh and on the Flo front... it can take a little while for that pregnancy hormone to build up in your system to show up on a pee test, so don't think you're out of the woods yet! HAHA! Not that you want to be "out of the woods", I would love to be back in the woods someday, too, but you go first. heehee! ;-)

-Katie (friends with Maryanne A.)

That Chick Over There said...

I've never had a home either.

And I feel the same way about my kids. It almost physically hurts sometimes, I love them so damn much.

Emma in Canada said...

For me my hometown will always be Birmingham even though I haven't lived there since I was 3 and haven't visited since I was 27. When my grandparents moved away from there it threw me- I did feel like I had lost that last link, but it's still my homwtown.

I love those "Holy crap I love my kid" moments. They make me tear up.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

I did get that pimple...

cowboytf said...

Being married to a cowboy has taken me ALL OVER Texas and even parts of New Mexico. It's hard to leave the family behind but they are your new family right! I love what you said about loving your child enough. I never thought I could love anything as much as I love my 3 boys.
This post was inspiring!
A Cowboy's Wife

Julie said...

Maybe we should arrange a blogger get together in Toronto - then you can show us all around your fair city!