Monday, August 27, 2007

The Kevin to my Britney

There's a stereotype that exists, probably caused by every single family sitcom that was ever made, where the mom is the responsible, serious one, while the husband is the buffoon who puts diapers on backwards and lets the kids drink three sodas during the bedtime story.

In my house? I think it's fair to say that if one parent is more responsible than the other. May I refresh your memory with this incident?

I think it's fair to say, that would never happen with Sweetie Pie.

And for some reason, Sweetie Pie still goes out of town and leaves me unsupervised with our child.

In my defense, every time he returns, Little Man is still alive. And isn't huddled in a corner in the fetal position begging for someone to save him. So I can't be that bad, right?

Well, you be the judge. Here's everything I've done this weekend while Sweetie Pie was out of town:

1. Let Little Man stay up way past his bedtime. Thursday night, the first night Sweetie Pie was gone, he calls me at 9:30 p.m. to tell me he's made it to his destination ok. As I begin to respond, Little Man, who's next to me, still wide awake, begins to shout "HI DADDY!" which totally gave me away as being irresponsible and not putting the child down at his normal bed time.

2. Because Little Man went down so late, I put him in bed with me. About an hour after I was asleep, he somehow rolled off our high king size bed onto the floor. I woke up to his crying, stumbled in the dark feeling the floor with my hands to find him, felt him for blood, kissed him, told him he was ok and we both went back to sleep. If he ends up failing out of school because he can't do long divisions, this should be the moment you all point to.

3. Our bank account balance when Sweetie Pie came home? The bank claims it's $0.00.
I'm not sure how that happened. Although I did go to the mall on Friday. And also did a little shopping on Saturday. Pay day is on Thursday. I'm thinking I'll go raid a wish fountain for coins at lunch.

4. I invented the world's stupidest game. Where I sit on Little Man's Hummer push toy, which is about three inches off the ground and he sits on his little push truck and we race eacher other around the kitchen island and smash our vehicles into each other. This game made Little Man laugh very, very hard. Unfortunately, the toy is not meant for someone my height to sit on, so I had the "acceleration" lever digging deep into my right thigh. Which started throbbing in pain about 5 minutes into said game, I estimate around lap 13 of our race. Which I stood up to put an end to the game. Which a two-year old toddler? Who likes to do the same thing for hours on end, reads the same bedtime story 8 times in a row if I'm willing and watched the same episode of Mickey's Clubhouse three times in a row on Friday night? Is unacceptable. And he pointed to the Hummer and said "Shit, Mama!" Which I know someone will be offended by my potty-mouthed toddler, but they all pronounce their s's "sh". So don't go calling CPS on me, alright? And so I shat, uh... sat back on that Hummer and proceeded to weep quietly while my thigh lost all feeling and as I huffed, puffed and sweated my way around that kitchen island exactly 58 more times.




Anonymous said...

Tell Sweetie Pie that at least you didn't drive down the freeway with Little Man sitting on your lap and you didn't dangle him over the side of the deck for the neighbors to see.

Look at the island thing as great exercise. Or something :)

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I had to read the incident with the Jeep driving off without you, and wanted to let you know when I was 15 and had just gotten my permit, a bee flew in the car & buzzed around my head. I, being me, jumped out of the car with it in reverse. My mother was the one who had to chase it down before it landed in a 10 foot ditch. She made it.

Sweetie Pie should appreciate how much pain it was to shit the Indy 500.

AndreAnna said...

At least the bank account wasn't negative. I have done that more than once. I mean, it was ON SALE!!

Ms. Porter said...

sounds like a pretty darn fun weekend!

Julie said...

You are a good mommy. I would have ended that car game right then and there.

Emma in Canada said...

I never even would have started the car game, being afraid that my fat ass would have smashed that hummer to smithereens.

Morgan Leigh said...

atleast your bank account was a positive number. you know, in the black (kind of) because when i shop? our bank account goes into the red.

Rachel said...

So you're saying that Alyssa probably shouldn't have still be up at 11pm on Friday? Hmmm, who knew. I mean, hell, she's 19 months old. Crap.

my minivan is faster than yours said...

I don't have time to leave a comment right now. I'm dialing my parents' house to find out who dropped me when I was two?

Long division, shmog division!

Blue Momma said...

So what's worse? Dammit, Momma or Shit, Momma? I don't think I'll be passing any judgements on you today. (Only for today though - OK?)

When Daddy is out of town Momma and baby are supposed to party. What makes you think that's weird? It's the law, woman!!!

Dx said...

I'm just following the "nice matters" links from Blue Mommas blogsite to see who else she's presenting awards to or getting them from. Great post by the way.

Slick said...'re a damn role model! Seriously, what kid wouldn't just love you?

So....when's our race? Ok, I'll wait until you get feeling back in your leg.

That Chick Over There said...

Sadly, this all seems quite normal and okay to me.

I'm a Mom!..? said...

I think you sound like a cool Mom! And for the record, if you are stealing money from the fountains, it might be better to send Little Man in, probably less likely to go to jail that way...