Wednesday, July 18, 2007

This Confirms That I'm a Judgemental Bitch

So I've never like Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice.

She won't smile, she's clearly anorexic, her marriage has to be a sham, what with his cheating on her a few years back and she stayed with him like nothing happened.

And she just seems so, well, posh.

I'm the kind of person who immediately decides if I like you or not. Just by the way you look.

I believe this is what confirms to the world that I am, indeed, a woman, despite having had only one pedicure in my whole life and completely unable to apply eye liner without looking like I've been beaten up.

Ever so often, I am willing to change my opinion of someone, but they've got to do something really, really crazy to earn it. Like tell me that my ass looks great, and mean it. Or that my son is gorgeous. I'm not going to question whether they mean this one, because the possibility of someone not meaning it, well, that's not even a possibility. I believe them scientist call that zero probability or something.


Back to the subject on hand.

I hate Victoria Beckham.

And I've never met her, so she's never been able to lie to me about what a great ass I have or wish that my kid could be part of her Beckham clan. Even though he kicks like a girl. With his tongue out.

So skinny girlfriend's had no chance to redeem herself.

Until Monday.

When I was folding laundry in front of the TV while Sweetie Pie was giving Little Man his bath. And there was nothing freaking on.

And then I saw that NBC had sold their soul to the devil and given Victoria Beckham a platform for me to have a reason to hate her more.

So I watched.

And about two minutes later, I bust a gut laughing. Because, my girlfriend Vic (we're very close now, you see), she's freaking funny. As in totally self-depracating, scratches like crazy when she's nervous or uncomfortable and she's polite to a freaking fault, even finding it in her to smile when someone shows off their dolphin mating call imitations to her.

But Victoria wasn't done. She then went to a sex toy store. And bought a blow up doll. And picked an outfit for her. And then discussed whether men really wanted to have sex with something that had a stunned expression on it. And then she imitated the stunned sex doll face look and she got it down pat so great, that I wanted her phone number to invite her to my girl's night out on Saturday, because I know she'd love my three closest girlfriends and would love to get sloshed with us.

And then, just because she likes to show off, Vic confronted that slime toad known as Perez Hilton, who I despise more than the hairs that insist on growing on my big toe (I mean WTF! Why would I need two hairs on my toe? Will it keep me warm during the long Canadian winters???) because he likes to out people before they're ready to be outed and I just want to slap him silly and tell him to leave my closeted gay friends alone, you little wienered slimy bastard.

So now, I've decided that Beck girl, she's really not that skinny, I think she just has a fast metabolism.

And the fact that she doesn't smile? I think she's like me, and hates her smile. I've been told numerous times that I do this weird half-smile thing when I'm in pictures, but that's because I have this tooth that was discolored by antibiotics as a kid that I hate, and my two front teeth overlap, so I hate my real smile in pictures. Vicky and I, we're just smile-phobic soulmates.

Do you think it'd be weird if I invited her and her kids to Little Man's second birthday party, what with her not knowing that she's my new BFF?

Also, with her being my new BFF, does that mean I can no longer have her hubby on my five celebrities I can sleep with list?




Emma in Canada said...

Eeewww to her husband being on your celebrities to shag list (if you're going to hang with the Englash folks you must start speaking like one!) because have you not heard him talk? I seriously question his sexuality every time he opens his mouth.

The blow up doll was hilarious. And so was her face.

I totally think you should send an invite her way. At the very least with all those mega dollars the present would be fantastic.

Emma in Canada said...

English I believe I meant.

M said...

I'm not sure if I should love you or hate you...

Nina Diane said...

I had to laugh.......just like you I couldn't stand Victoria but then I saw her on Leno and she was so freakin funny. And real, like a real person not all celebrity fake. So I had to watch the show and it was great! Even my hubby sat down to watch it and he liked it. and believe me....he doesn't usually go for that kind of show!

Blue Momma said...

I know she's your new BFF and all, but...

while she is in the bathroom purging after eating the Little Man's birthday cake, you grab Becks and take the opportunity to mark him off of your list.

Who goes up in his place? I love to talk about The List.

myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

First of all, you left a comment on my blog while I was reading yours. I think that means something. Can I come to your mom's night on Saturday? If I leave now, I think I can make it. And both of my kids are napping so I can totally leave now.

I think you're a literary genius! That's right. Genius! Love it :)

jesse said...

You know I debated on watching it and now I wish I had. As for Beck I would so keep him on my celeb shag list-the guy is freakin hot.

Beccy said...

After reading yours and Emma post I'm dying to see it. I think it was on here last night and I missed it! I do think she's a bit thin so as her new bff I think you should take it apon yourself to add some meat to her bones.

Once she's safely enconsed in your life you could suggest a girly week to Dublin (she'll pick up the tab and I'll show you a good time)!

That Chick Over There said...

Oh Lord have mercy.

Anonymous said...

I missed the show--dammit!!

Must admit, I've never been a fan. Given all the things I've heard about the show? My opinion may be changing on that.

And, no....yer hubby can stay on your list. It's cool. She'll probably want to put Sweetie Pie on HER list once you guys actually...ya know....MEET and stuff!!

Holly said...

The only thing is, you know her other BFF is Katie Holmes. I'm a closet Vick fan, too. I really like her for the "Katie, babe! Your honey is a FREAK of nature. Okay, you got knocked up a mere thirty days after your first date...I won't judge...and felt obliged to give the child a last name, but SERIOUSLY, chick...he called me 32 times in a two hour span...he's got some ISSUES!" But, in the mean time, while Becks is trying to put Tom on that comet back to wherever he's the "Christ of Scientology," or while we all hopelessly wait for Perez Hilton to out him, chica, you are probably going to be forced to spend some time with the thing formerly known as Tom.

Rachel said...

Yeah. I still don't like her.

alissa said...

I know, I know, I know!!!!

Up until tonight, I couldn't stand her. For all the reasons you said! (Thank you, btw, for doing the post... I wanted to, but really didn't have it in me. And you so totally echoed my sentiments.)

Anyhow, all I have to say is this... do you mind sharing Vic with me? And with a hubby as hot as hers, I can only imagine that he's on Katie Holmes' shag list too.

Julie said...

How about that ladies lunch she went to? Those women, especially the "dolphin" one was a total show! I'm with you - I like Poshie now.