Monday, July 23, 2007

A Sign That I Am, In Fact, An Old Lady

I am really, really tired. As I write this, my tiny narrow eyes have been reduced to microscopic slits. Which could come in handy should I decide to rob a bank, because the witnesses would be unable to determine my eye color. I watch CSI, I know how to get away with stuff.

You see, while my husband was likely in bed at 10:30 p.m. on Saturday night, I was only getting warmed up at establishment number two of a three-establishment excursion.

And then I remained up long enough to put in a full work day. Well, just about. I believe that we were up talking about girly things until about 4:30 in the morning.

Last time I was up this late? Was when I had an infant who insisted on being fed breakfast at this time.

And because my body hates me, I was up at 7:15 a.m. Because that's usually when my child wakes up. And my body couldn't comprehend that said child was 10 miles away and therefore, I didn't actually have to wake up to hand him the box of Cocoa Puffs with a sippy cup of milk.

I took a 20-minute nap in the afternoon, where I drooled on my pillow in exhaustion until our older dog barked in anger at something. More likely a change in barometric pressure, because he believes that barking will prevent the end of the world and that he must do it often. Especially when I am napping.

Also? When did drinks get so freaking expensive? Why is it that anyone thinks that 10 bucks for a drink is a reasonable price to pay? When I was in university, I'd freak out if I spent 50 bucks in a weekend. Saturday night? I spent much, much more than that.

And you can't get bread for under a dollar anymore. Not in bars, you freaks, I'm talking about the grocery story, which is my usual hang out.

I've also learned that if you get divorced in your late 30's or 40's, you can still go clubbing to pick up men. You just do it at a martini bar where dirty old men will leer at your boobs while you try to smile through your botoxed face and both of you fill the air with desperation.

Also? I learned yesterday from grocery shopping at Walmart to try to compensate for my overspending the night before that Walmart hates the planet Earth. They're cheaper for everything except for organic foods. It's like they're saying to me "if you can afford the mark-up of organic foods, then we don't want you to shop here!" How can a gallon of normal milk be a dollar cheaper at Walmart but a gallong of organic milk be 1.50 dollar more?

So it's not just the human race they hate. They also hate the environment the human race lives in. I'm pretty sure they're going after the sun next, what with us humans liking it for the heat it provides. Come to think of it, there was no skin cancers before Walmart came along. Anyone else think that's a strange coincidence?




Julie said...

4:30? Good lord you wild woman! I'm not even sure I could have stayed up that late even in my college drinking prime! : )

Rachel said...

Only you could turn a post about going out all night drinking into a post about Walmart and it's destruction of mankind.

Kellie said...

Ahhh....3 establishment excursions. Staying up til 4:30. God, I miss those days (sometimes!!). I don't miss dropping $100+ on ONE night of drinking!!

Yes, Wal-Hell hates the human race. Which is good. Given I hate Wal-Hell :)

NeUrOtIc CuRb ChEcKiNg SuV dRiVeR said...

Wal-Mart = antiChrist. I hate it. It's dirty (even in our snooty neighborhood, chica) & they have pure Chinese made crap. I try not to buy Chinese...given they feed their people cardboard & poison, but I digress...Wal-Mart evil.

I thought you looked amazingly good for having partied like a rock star the night before.

M said...

Eww. I'd never have survived your weekend.

And our Walhell is really good on their organics. And if not Fred Meyer is, like, 12 seconds from me.

So you should move here and we can giggle in organic (I seriously wrote orgasmic. wtf man wtf) glee.

jempress said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jempress said...

do you know neurotic curb etc. etc.? just wondering...cuz i don't think i like her :P. but if you know and like her, i'd love to meet her and hopefully change my opinion. you, on the other hand, i love and miss!