Thursday, July 05, 2007

I Guess You Could Say He Knows Me Well

"Hi Sweetie Pie! What'cha doing?

- Working. What are you doing?

- Oh nothing much, working too! So have I told you today how much I love you?

- (pause) What did you buy?"

Which really? Should piss me off. Because can't a woman just call her husband up and tell him she loves him? Does she have to have an ulterior motive to do so?

And really...

Just a second.

I need to move the Gap bag that's in the way of my keyboard.

Where was I? Oh yeah.

I was saying that a woman should be able to call her man to say she loves him.

And to mention that she spent a mere 32 dollars at The Gap.

Because I found jeans. And they fit. And they make my ass look a little like Heidi Klum's. If you close your eyes and then hold one eye lid open and try to look at the back of your head.

Are you doing it? You see how my ass looks like Heidi Klum's? A little bit?

I know. That's the power of my new jeans.

And the best part? They were on sale for 13 dollars.

Worth every penny right?

Also? I got a shirt. A shirt that was on sale for $1.97. I'd tell you I made that up. But I didn't. It's a whole shirt. With a front, a back and sleeves. And it was under two dollars. And me? I like to wear shirts. They cover up the fact that my bra no longer has matching straps, because Satan's Dog? He ate one. I think he swallowed it whole. And so I had to replace the strap with a plastic see through strap, which really doesn't quite match the white strap on the left side. It doesn't match even if you do the closed eyes, force open an eye lid trick from before. So anyway, the shirt's purpose is to cover up the fact that my bra has issues.

I also got some cropped pants. Because I have nothing to wear on the weekend. And it's summer. And it's kind of hot out, what with me living in Texas and all. And I'm tired of wearing my old raggedy jeans all weekend. And so, although my butt looks more like Bea Arthur's (no offense Bea, I'm sure your butt is lovely) in these pants, I'm sure that with another week or two of Slim Fast, they'll be loose enough that you won't be able to count every dimple on my butt.

And if life couldn't get any better than owning the perfect pair of jeans, the kind you want to cradle in your arms at night, because you love them that much, I've been nominated for an award! Me! It's the Rockin' Girl Blogger award. And not one, but two freaking people gave it to me! Which really, is cheating on my part, because if I hadn't kept forgetting about getting it the first time, I wouldn't have been nominated a second time. And the fact that anyone thinks I rock? Is very, very touching. So I thank Sheri and Jesse for nominating me.

And now? I get to bestow this award on five of my blogger friends, which is really hard, because that's like picking amongst a mound of milk chocolate chips. They're all so good, why would you pick just five?

So here are my choices...

Random Mommy: She doesn't just rock motherhood, she does it with a fantastic head of hair. Plus her husband is the most lovable drunk pervert, maybe ever. And her baby? Is one of Little Man's BFF's. Which forever makes her good peeps in my book, even if she'd decide to become a serial killer.

Emma in Canada: The woman has four kids, which boggles my mind when I can barely handle one on certain days. And she is she hand makes cards that look so good, it makes me wonder why I had to be born with so little artsy talent. And she's Canadian, which means she rocks something mean, and can eat beaver tail without giggling.

Ohio Blue Eyes: She's my pooping soul mate. And if you don't have one, well, you're missing out. Also, she's taught me potatoes are from Idaho, not Ohio. Which makes the whole Buckeyes name really confusing to me, because isn't that a potato thing? And her daughter? Totally inherited her mama and daddy's hot genes.

M: Girl's got some mighty cute kids! And her kids? If they lived any closer to me would totally be friends with my Little Man, because they (and she) are hysterical. Also, she's got one wacky family, and yet she's probably one of the most grounded people out there, which is so amazing.

Kellie: Even if your neighbors are psycho killers who barbecue puppies, they're not as crazy as hers, unless you're That Chick and then you've got the Tennessee version of crazy neighbors. Also, she drives a really, really big truck. And she rocks the highways of NY like nobody's business.

Julie: Girl packs more in a weekend than some of us (ok, mostly me) do in a month. Her daughters are cute, funny and the oldest has more sass in her little finger than I wish I could have in my entire body.

OK, there. I've picked five. But everyone else? You also get an award. You wouldn't be in my blog roll if you didn't rock something fierce.




random_mommy said...

I showed Husband your comment about him. He was touched... further proving his psycho factor.

Then he asked if you would be posting any pictures of your butt in the jeans.

Oh, and thanks!!! I heart Catwoman.

Beccy said...

I think you need help with your counting!

Congratulations with your awards!

Julie said...

Thank you for the award - even if I was number 6 on a list of 5. I'm still counting it as an award! : )

And Sweetie Pie must understand if you did not buy a shirt that was only $1.97 you would break the bargain shopper's code of conduct!

M said...

WOOT for your great deal! I agree...I want pics! I *heart* when the gap has sales. Which only the gap outlet does around here. But still. Kick. Ass. speak way too highly of me and it makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. xoxoxo Move westward. You'll be closer to Canada. And then we can kick it because DUDE our boyfolk kicking it would rock the world! We'll take Little Man to play on bacon and eggs! You cannot beat the soft play area with breakfast food for fun!

Blue Momma said...

My hubby and I have the same conversation, only in reverse. Any nice comment is the cause for immediate suspicion. He either bought something or wants something....

Emma in Canada said...

Aw ffs! I was going to nominate you! And then you went and nominated 3 people I was also going to nominate! I better hurry and do this post before everyone else is nominated.

That Chick Over There said...

If I could find ANYTHING that would make my ass look remotely like anything Heidi Klum is sporting? I'd totally buy it even if it cost hinty billion dollars.

So you got a really good deal.

Kellie said...

I would sell Jimmy's kidney and his spleen for something that made my ass look like Heidi's!!

As for the shirt being on sale: you tell your husband that if you DIDN'T buy it, we'd have revoked your Girly Memebership!!

Awww, schucks, think I rock? I'm honored. And, humbled. And, so freakin' proud!! I now delcare my blog break over!!

My Minivan Is Faster Than Yours said...

You are so friggin funny that I'm my Oprah shows are building up on my DVR because I'm spending all of my time reading your blog!

You rock, Sister!

alissa said...

You found a shirt for $1.97?! And the armpits are intact?!



I'd have bought one in every colour.

And congrats on the award!

Slick said...

Ha! Women can't fool us most of the time!!

Let that be a lesson to you :)

ELLE said...

Rock those jeans! What a deal!

Rachel said...

You definitely rock!!!! Although, I'm starting to think that Alyssa has been reading all about how Little Man rules the house because she seems to think that's how things should go down at our house!

I'm a Mom!..? said...

Gotta love the Gap for those sales alone.

Think they sell a Heidi Klum head to toe ensemble? More than just my ass could use a little help!