Thursday, July 26, 2007

Conversation: Lindsay Lohan and Her Mom

3 a.m. Cell phone rings in a loud club (ring is probably something like "Don't Cha" by the Pussy Cat Dolls or "If You Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart):

Dinah Lohan: (slurring) "Hello?
Lindsay Lohan: Mom?
DL: Who the hell is this?
LL: It's me, Lindsay, your daughter? The one whose money you use to support your party lifestyle?
DL: Oh yeah, ATM card girl! I remember you! What's up dog?
LL: Where are you? I can barely hear you?
DL: Uhm... At home?
LL: No you're not. I think you're in a club!
DL: Actually I am. I'm grinding with one of those cute boys from High School Musical.
LL: MOM! Those boys are underage!
DL: Duh! I know! Why do you think I haven't stuffed my panties in their pocket yet.
LL: (sighs) Anyway, that's not why I'm calling you. Uhm, I kind of need you to come bail me out.
DL: Were the cops angry about having paid good money to see that Herbie movie you made? Or for your album?
LL: No, no, it's nothing that serious. It's just I was kind of drunk.
DL: So? I'm always drunk. When did that become a crime?
LL: I know right! Well, they're pissed because I was kind of drunk and I was also kind of driving.
DL: Damn cops, they're so, like, uptight.
LL: I know, right! And then, at the cop station, they made me empty my pockets and they kind of found something that looks like powdered sugar in my pocket.
DL: Oh, did you get in my stash again?
LL: Mom, what should I do.
DL: OK, first, you need to get off carbs, because I swear you've ballooned up to about 98 pounds now, and you're seriously putting your career at risk.
LL: Got it.
DL: Then, we need to figure out how to keep your good girl image going. Oh, I know! This is brilliant! So you call one of those news shows that don't talk about depressing crap like wars and other stuff people don't care about. The ones that cover the important shit, like what Victoria Beckham is doing and how many poops Shiloh has had today.
LL: You mean like Extra?
DL: Yes! Those real newscasts. So you call one of them up and you tell them that the drugs weren't yours. That you were holding them for someone. That works every.freaking.time.
LL: Mom! You're so smart!
DL: I know! That's why I get to take 95 percent of your wages!"




Kellie said...


I'm so freakin' tired of seeing Lindsay Lowhore all over the news.

monster's momma said...


Rachel said...

One of your best posts!!!!

Stupid ass Humor Blogs!! What the hell do those bitches know!

NeUrOtIc CuRb ChEcKiNg SuV dRiVeR said...

It's sad when you've beyond peaked at 21. Maybe she should get some pointers from Mac Culkin?

Beccy said...


Emma in Canada said...

I think she had probably left her mother behind in the club. That woman has some stamina!

Slick said...


I think you hit the nail on the head ;)

alissa said...

Seriously. You're even funnier than Rob Schnieder in drag.

Elle said...

That's awesome!