Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Back on the Wagon Yet Again

So for now two days, I have gotten up at 5 in the morning to work out. And like the crazy person I am, I'm convinced that I'm already thinner and that my gut is jiggling a little less. Because I'm a perpetual optimist.

I've also had a Slim Fast as my lunch for three or four days now. It's hard to remember which, because, as I've stated before in a post the last time I was on a diet (many, many moons ago), Slim Fast tastes like a big can of sperm to me. And sperm, like espresso coffee is something that can only be enjoyed in small quantities.

So why go on a diet when I will be trying to get pregnant in a couple of weeks? Well, mainly because if I can just lose 5 pounds, then that will mean I'll have five pounds less to lose after I have the baby. Because right now? I ain't fitting in any of my pants. Which leads me to wonder what the hell I'll wear three days after I get pregnant and my uterus decides it needs its own zip code.

Because right now? I'm about 25 pounds too heavy. And yeah, I know that you can't tell from that picture I posted a while back of Little Man and I. But that picture? Besides how humorous it was, it also was very flattering and made me look a hell of a lot thinner than I am. Me likey pictures that make me look thinner.

This weekend, when we were at the pool, there I was, in my tankini, my gut peeking out below my top so that it wouldn't miss out on any of the cloudy fun, and as I was snapping hundreds of pictures of Little Man, a woman asked if I wanted her to take pictures of the three of us. Horrified, I bit her head off and told her that hell no, because one, I was fat, two, my hair wasn't done and three, I wasn't wearing any make up.

She was a kindred spirit, because instead of getting pissed that I bit her head off, she simply removed it from my mouth, popped it back on her neck and said that she completely understood.

The only way she could have been sweeter is by telling me that I'm a natural beauty and that blotchy thing I call my face doesn't need a lick of make up.

So what prompted this new diet? A couple of things. First, I have to admit that the girl formerly known as Beebop has talked about her weight loss and how her amazing shrinking boobs now fit in a C cup. And girlfriend is hot. So girlfriend who now weighs less than before she got pregnant must now be so freaking hot that Ohio's got to be under some kind of wildfire risk. I've never been to Ohio, but I'm assuming that there is wilderness there. Of course, I did think that Ohio was full of potatoes, but Girl-Formerly-Known-as-Beebop was confused by this, so maybe I don't know anything about Ohio, except that apparently they have really hot people. Except for Drew Carey. That boy definitely brings the beauty quota of Ohio down big time.

But back to the subject at hand. Should Girl-Formerly-Known-as-Beebop and I decide one day that our Avatars should go clubbing, or whatever it is that people who know each other through their blogs do, I don't want to be her fat friend. So girlfriend's motivated me that if she can do it, I can do it.

But the biggest kick in my ass? It's my husband. My husband who despite not exercising at all, has great guns and a six pack. It's really quite unfair. The man can't eat just pasta, because his body burns the carbs so quickly that he's starving an hour later. And his waist? It's smaller than mine.

With my first pregnancy? I outweighed Sweetie Pie 10 pounds into it. So for five months of my pregnancy, I was heavier than he was. How fun is that? If that's not grounds for a divorce, I don't know what is.

And now? The stupid man has freaking decided that he's out of shape. And he's started running. Every freaking day. And when I get home at night? He'll tell me how he just finished doint 80 crunches and 40 push ups. I've seriously considered smacking him repeatedly with a shovel. Or a brownie. Whichever is closer.

So I've decided that two can play this game. If he's going to get in shape? Well, I'm going to get in the best shape of my life. For one month any way. And then I'll live on Happy Meals and doritos with sour cream for 8 1/2 months.




Julie said...

Good for you for being motivated. And I almost spit out my soda at the whole "slim fast tastes like sperm" thing! Thanks for making me laugh - as usual!

Beccy said...

I need some of your motivation...now!

Heather said...

I just found you from "My Minivan is Faster Than Yours" and I'm so glad I did! Crack me up. I hear ya on the husband thing, my husband once got on the scale and said, "I think I need to lose 5 lbs" and NO LIE, three days later, it was gone. AND, he did nothing at all to lose it. Just thought about it. If I didn't love him so much, I'd hit him!

Loukia said...

Yay, good luck to you when you start TTC! My goal was to lose some weight before I got pregnant again but things happened way too fast so now I'm just enjoying all the food I can, knowing these are the last nine months I can be allowed to be fat. I'm already in maternity clothes and I'm only 12 weeks pregnant, but I've heard you pop much faster the second time. :) And I will be on a beach in a few weeks... ahhh... first time in my life not in good bikini shape but I am pregnant after all and I am not like those pregnant girls who only gain a few pounds in their tummy's! Good luck to you and wow for waking up that early to work out!

random_mommy said...

I wonder if Slim Fast is trying to market more to gay men... you know, with the semen taste and all.

Just don't lose your knockers. That would be a tragedy.

ohio blue eyes said...

Ok, firstly....THANKS! Me and my c cups are blushing. And secondly. Lets lose these five pounds, get knocked up together (well, not together, but you know what I mean!) and ingest lots and lots of sperm!
And dude, really? Slim fast tastes like semen?
Also. I was in the ballpark of outweighing my husband as well. And I dont want to do that ever again!
so here's to us, our enormous and fluffy bosoms, being able to guzzle semen and lighter pre-pregnancies!

and also? i think IDAHO is where the potatoes are from...ohio is all about um, rubber and corn? maybe? I dont know...

Holly said...

More power to you! I'm proud. Sweets, I was wearing Paul's jeans 8 weeks ino my pregnancy...and unbuttoning them by 10. I feel your pain. Remember, it took me a full two years to lose all 80 of George's unwanted pounds. We'll motivate each other this time we're knocked up. We'll scream into bullhorns saying, "Step away from the carbs...Carbs are the enemy." Good luck drinking the slim fast. I'll never drink another of those, thanks so much.

My Minivan Is Faster Than Yours said...

Good for you! Good luck on the diet and the soon-to-be pregnancy. I got pregnant when my son was 3-months-old cuz it was easier than going on a diet!

Kellie said...

Seriously--I need to learn to not read your blog when drinking as my monitor is sure to short out from all the liquid I spray it with!!

As always, I *fluffy pink sparkly heart* you.

Flattering picture or not? You are a hot mama :) (I mean that in a totally NON stalker-ish lesbian kinda way).

Emma in Canada said...

Yeah. I weigh more than William. Bastard. He has a belly but the rest of him is quite thin. You know, but for his friend. I don't like skinny friends. I really should lose weight, at least enough so that I weigh less than him. But according to the Oprah I watched today, my lack of exercising means I really don't want to lose weight. She may be right.

That Chick Over There said...

I think you're hot.

So there.

Rachel said...

Meh, you are not fat!!!

LMFAO at random mommy's comment!

M said...

Dude. So hot. So painful you don't believe. But good luck nonetheless at your new plan!

Additionally...I outweighed my husband not long into our marriage (ahh. happy marriage fat wife. not cute.) I was so thrilled after Liam that I finally dropped 10 pounds less than him. Then I got my ass pregnant again and got fatter than him.

Currently hovering about 5 pounds less than him and feeling like a champion. That is sad. So sad. The man's got a good 5" in height over me. I should not feel so accomplished.

Mememememe. I'm so glad your comments can be all about me. xoxo

but really...doritos with sour cream? that just sounds ODD my friend.