Monday, June 18, 2007

Yayoo! YAYOO!!!!

My son is on a food strike. He will not eat anything.

Now, most toddlers, when they go on a food strike, usually will continue to eat chicken nuggets and French Fries. Which I'm pretty sure my son would be willing to eat those too.

But me? I'm not willing to make him that stuff for breakfast.

And so every single hour of this past weekend, my son has stood in front of his booster seat screaming "EATS! EATS!" as if I was the one who was preventing him from eating.

And once I'd place him in the seat, he'd yell at me if I tried to bring him offensive foods like Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, goldfish crackers or gasp! cheese.

What kind of person would offer such disgusting foods to someone?

And each time he's whine "NOOOOOOO!" and scrunch up his face in horror, because I'm obviously a moron.

And then the chant would begin. "Yayoo! YAYOO!"

This is my son's version of the French word for yogurt. Yogurt is what my son has lived on for now three days.

Offer him something else, and you will walk away from the battle with a toddler spoon sticking out of the side of your skull. Don't fuck with the angry toddler, my friend.

And I guess you could say that there are worst things to live on than yogurt. And I agree. My son's bones are now unbreakable to the point that the next time his incessant whining brings me to throw him out the window, his super-human calcium coated bones will break his impact, cause him bounce back into the house and bitch slap me until summer television stops sucking.

But do you have any idea what a diet of nothing but yogurt does to one's bowels? Oh you don't, do you? Well, let me explain. Because yogurt really has nothing solid, we are offered diapers filled with a puree of mustard-colored goo with fumes that burn the skin off your hands even when you use five wipes at once. My tear ducts have been burnt dry and I'm pretty sure my eyebrows will never grow back.

This morning, I brought Little Man to the fridge, where he promptly chose yet another yogurt. While he ate it, I got out a pint of blueberries, washed some and threw them on his tray and then promptly ducked behind the kitchen island to avoid the missiles he was probably going to launch at me to punish me for breaking orders.

But instead, I got silence, and when I finally peeked over, he was eating the last one, his mouth rimmed with blueberry juice and he smiled at me and asked for more. He then proceeded to eat his weight in blueberries.

When I picked him up last Thursday, his daily report had "BM" marked at 10:30. The letters "BM" were circled about 100 times with the pen, to the point that the paper was almost ripped through. Next to the dark circle, his teacher had written in all caps "NO MORE PRUNE JUICE!!!"

I giggled when I read that, because I'm evil like that. Plus, she'd thought I was giving him coke, so this was my little passive aggressive revenge.

Phase two of my revenge will probably be later today, when I expect Little Man to blow out his first solid food in three days in messes that will probably get the school shut down because of the hazardous waste coming out of my Little Man's ass.

Payback's a bitch!




Julie said...

EVERYTHING I put in front of Emily that isn't a sweet results in a "NO" these days. What's with these picky toddlers.

Kellie said...

Morgan was picky for a while. Now? I can't eat anything without her scaling my chair to get to my plate.

emmainlondon said...

Oh my god you just made me cry from laughter

jesse said...

That's funny, but hey they deserve it thinking you would send your kid w/a sippy cup full of coke.

M said...

As usual this made my week.

Wanna offer him a cheese puff? Or shove cheesecake in his mouth? That's what I like to do for fun! :)

The blowout at school? Makes my week. WOOT! Although YOU? Dealing with yogurt ass? *shudders* sick man sick.

Rachel said...

I am sitting here at work trying my hardest not to get fired for reading blogs because I am not doing a good job at NOT LAUGHING!!!!!!!!

Sam said...

Having the same trouble in this household too. My little ones addiction is milk and not much else. We are on the prune juice now as well :o)