Thursday, June 07, 2007

Putting the Psycho in Motherhood Since 2005

So I think I've been particularly hormonal this week. And when I'm hormonal, it seems that my mothering instincts get stronger, kind of like a superpower that unfortunately only makes a 32 inch-tall part of the world better. That part of the world is also only 25 pounds. Which apparently, all of my blogger friends have these mutant large 5 year-olds who pretend their my son's age and then accidentally squash him with their little toes. But please remember that he's half French, and we make things smaller over there. Except for penises. We make those so large, that the Eiffel tower was erected in honor of French men's big penises. Please pass that secret on for Little man, will ya?

This week, two incidents have woken up the Mother Hulk in me.

First, let's revisit Tuesday, Little Man's first Swim Day at school. A day where I'm not sure who was more excited. Me, who was beside herself in the knowledge that Little Man would get to be traumatized by sprinklers again. Or Little Man who thought he had the freaking coolest mom ever for letting him swim trunks to class.

Since I didn't find it necessary to put Little Man's swim hat on him first thing in the morning, as the only way he'd keep it on for two hours would be if I krazy glued it to his head, which apparently Child Protective Services frowns upon, so I stuck it in his bag instead.

And then since I have the attention span of a gnat, I promptly forgot to tell his teachers when I got to the class and put his bag away.

I got to work, and when I went to check Little Man on the daycare Webcam, I saw that they were getting the kids ready to go swimming. And that's when I realized that Little Man wasn't wearing his hat.

I know, I can hear you gasping from here. It's obviously horrible, and the core of the Earth was likely to implode, causing us all to fall off the axis. Little Man, spend half an hour outside without a hat? I mean the horror! How could any of us go on. But I became crazed, I was like Shirley McClain in that movie where her daughter's dying and she's screaming "She needs her MEDICINE!!!!"

Except I was in my cubicle screaming "He needs his HAT!!!!!" I began to spin around, panicked! Because it's that serious! Because my son? He's about to go outside! Where there is sun! And his head? It is not covered by a hat! It's only covered by his hair! And the sun? It will shine on his head! And if the sun decides to be a bitch ho bastard, it might burn his head!

And I finally calmed down enough to call the daycare where I frantically told the receptionist that my son's head is not covered! And his hat, it's in the bottom of the bag! And she must immediately drop everything and save my son from an imminent danger!

And I watched, nervously wringing my hands in front of that Web cam for an eternity, a.k.a. three minutes. And all of a sudden, the teachers left with the kids to go outside and my Little Man was not wearing his hat! The receptionist? She must have gotten another call. Or she must have gone to get coffee thinking that the hat? My son could do without it.

I ran around the office. Panicking! Screaming "He needs his hat! There is sun out there people!" And my coworkers? They tranquilized me. With a fax machine over the head.

I asked them "Should I drive over to the daycare to get his hat and put it on him?" One said that yes, indeed, if it meant that much to me, maybe I should.

Because my coworkers? They're too damn supportive, even when I go into Crazy Catwoman mode.

Another coworker talked me off the ledge. She assured me that half an hour outside first thing in the morning would not permanently damage my child.

I calmed down, looked on the Webcam and saw that the sprinkler area? It did not have Little Man's class playing on it. I was confused. Clicked on every room. And that's when I saw Little Man in the gym. The indoor gym. My son? He wasn't wearing his hat in the indoor gym. Which even Crazy Catwoman can handle.

Apparently, half an hour later, they finally did go outside. And my son? He was wearing his hat, preventing the end of the world from occuring once again.

I've spoken before of the cannibal in Little Man's class. This kid, oh-so-sweet to me, hugging me whenever I drop off Little Man is actually a monster that loves to feast on soft young skin. The teachers keep Hannibal Lechter muzzled all the time with his pacifier, which the child is not allowed to remove except for eating. And even then, I'm sure they make him put it back in between bites.

I've always found Hannibal to be amusing. What with the biting of other people's children.

But then yesterday, I got a phone call from the daycare. I've discussed the regularity that I receive them, because my son's toe nails? Sometimes they cause him to trip and split his head open. Even though I cut them very very short. And also? Sometimes a leaf will fall three blocks away and the air motion it causes will push my Little Man across the room.

The receptionist, who I speak more often with than most members of my family, said that Little Man was ok but that he was bitten by one of his friends. I immediately said "Let me guess, it was Hannibal Lechter." She laughed and said that no, she didn't think it was. Which I found surprising. I then asked where he was bitten and was told that it was on his arm, but that the skin wasn't broken.

When I went to pick up Little Man yesterday, Hannibal's mom was also in the classroom. I went up to my baby, kissed him and then saw the distinct patter on top and bottom teeth on his right arm. I gasped, not expecting it to look that bad. Upset, I asked his teacher who had done it. She looked around awkwardly and said "It was Hannibal Lechter." Although, she didn't call him that, she used his real name. Even though that would have made the situation much better for me.

The mom said "yup, that's my little vampire."


Now I realize that it must suck to have your son show clear signs of being a future serial killer. And that it must be awkward to come face to face with the parent of one of your child's victims. But that's your response? No "I'm sorry he bit your son, we're really working hard on fixing the biting thing." or "I'm glad he didn't gauge his eyes out like he probably wanted to." Something that makes me think that you feel bad, bitch.

I beat her to a pulp with the classroom xylophone and then bit her arm off to show her what it felt like.

OK, that was all in my head. But does it make me a psycho mom to have even had the thought to do so?




Loukia said...

Wow, that is so weird - that is all the mom said? Did you say anything to her, or were you too stunned?

Emma in Canada said...

haha little vampire. I would be hanging my head in shame if my kid wads a biter. Unless, you know, your kid had done something to really piss off my kid in which case I'd say teeth are there because words aren't yet.

Have they ever thought that the dummy actually plays a part in the biting? I hear kids that use dummies are more prone to being biters.

Kellie said...

Um...NO it doesn't make you a psycho mom to have thought that. It's not like her blood sucking kid untied your son's shoelaces. He BIT him. You, my dear, handled it WAY better than I would've. If she'd said that to me, I'd have had some words with her.

Hope Little Man is alright :)

And, hope the lighting in the gym wasn't too bad bright for his little head :) (HaHa!! SO messing with you--I'd have freaked out over the hat, too!!).

Rachel said...

Of course you're not psycho! Maybe a bit crazy, but not psycho. That mother should have at the very least apologized! If that's the attitude she has toward his biting, no wonder he does it all the time!

M said... we need another blog mama smackdown. Little vampire tee hee hee? Ohhhhhhhh hell no. I'll have Liam body slam the biter no one can worm away from his girth.

And having a fair haired child as pale as I NO HAT would've been giant crisis to me as well. Fear not. You are not alone in your loon. (Note: still haven't found a swimhat this year. Most distressed over this.)

beebop said...

uh, daycare webcam? SWEET!!!

You do sound a little hormonal over there, everything all right?

jesse said...

I think the mom should have said "I'm sorry my kid's a future cannibal but we're desperately trying to get him out of that phase..

That Chick Over There said...

What is UP with that mother? WTH?!