Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Pink Eye, Ear Fluid and Winnie-the-Pooh Assaults

I'll be honest with you. This weekend? It sucked some serious pond water through a bendy straw.

Because my Little Man? That sweet little blonde tussle headed, blue eyed cherub who smiles rainbows and Krispy Kreme frosting sweetness has turned into a demon the likes Hollywood has not dared portray.

I imagine being in an emotionally difficult relationship would be a lot like what Sweetie Pie and I endured this weekend. Where the tiniest breath, the smallest error in judgement could set off his highness and create a tirade of screams that loosened shingles from houses two counties away.

Some of the idiotic things we did this weekend included removing the lid off his highness' yogurt, since he's not able to do it himself. Apparently, this is wrong. Way wrong and helping out someone is not a welcomed behavior like we were raised to believe.

Sweetie Pie also once served Little Man a yogurt. WITH THE SPOON ALREADY IN IT. How could anyone have made it to 33 years when they pull stupid crap like that?

Also? I wouldn't let Little Man ride in the front seat of my Jeep. Which means I totally deserved my tongue lashing and having my body thrashed about and beaten to a pulp with two little fists rougly the size of a kitten's head, since after all the number of times Little Man has ridden in the front seat in his 21 months is roughly zero times and Britney Spears kids, well, they were practically born in the driver's seat, thank you very much.

On Sunday, during another screaming fit of Little Man's where he rolled around on the carpet in the living room so much that it now has bald spots, I told Sweetie Pie that I was sorry that the best part of his Father's Day was when his son was out of the house at his sister's.

We greeted Monday with open arms, the way drunk David Hasselhoff greets a burger that's been left on the ground. The five-second rule is so yesterday, after all.

When I picked up Little Man on Monday afternoon, I thought maybe being back in school would bring the real Little Man out again, maybe he's just like this at home now. How I thought this would make me feel better, I'm not sure.

But when I looked down at Little Man's daily report, his teacher had written "This is the unhappiest Little Man has ever been."

On Tuesday morning, I decided that a visit to the pediatrician's was in order, because surely they had some kind of exorcist antibiotic that would make the devil leave my son's body.

So today, I'm at home with Little Man. And ends up? It wasn't the devil, I don't care what those Southern Baptists say. Ends up, Little Man has pressure in his ears and some kind of fluid (I'm guessing maybe the little left over tequila Sweetie Pie and I didn't drink to make it through the weekend) in there. Also? He felt that the pink eye really brings out the blue of his eyes, and so he's developed one raging case of that.

When the pediatrician mentioned the pink eye, I asked her to give us anything but the eye drops. Because giving Little Man eye drops? Much more difficult than flossing a shark's teeth for him. And also much more likely to cause loss of limbs, because sharks, unlike Little Man, are really anal about oral hygiene.

But apparently, the pink eye, it can only be cured by eye drops with the acidity of vinegar. And so off we go for 21 doses of hell.

But after one round of eye drops and ear drops for the fluid, Little Man has already eased off the Mr. Hyde routine to the point that Dr. Jekyll is mostly there. Which is such a relief, because the ruptures in my ear drums may actually have a chance to heal.

And just because Little Man has been such a poop head these last few days, here is my revenge. I have this giant Winnie-The-Pooh that I kept all these years and pulled out again before Little Man was born to place in his room. Little Man has recently begun dragging Winnie and wrestling with him. Last week, it resulted in these pictures.

See the look of terror on the poor bear's face? We're expecting rape charges to be filed against Little Man at any minute.

When I showed the pictures of Little Man seducing Winnie-the-Pooh to Sweetie Pie, all he could say is "that's my boy, his form is perfect."




Julie said...

Ugh, those drops suck big time! Sorry you have to go thru it but sounds like it's worth it to have little man back to himself!

Kellie said...

Drops suck pond water through a bendy straw!! Sorry you guys had such a craptastic weekend. Hope he's feeling better. From the looks of his "date" with Pooh, I'd say he's feeling better :)

monster's momma said...

aw poor you guys and poor little man and lol - pooh.

random_mommy said...

the pictures. disturbed me. a lot.

alissa said...

What a fantastically funny and well written post!!! Had me laughing my ass off. (Deserved more than just a LOL!)

M said...

omfg what a weekend! i'm hiding in horror (and i thought MY weekend was hell?!)

though the sexual assault of pooh was a good one. I look forward to the story a dozen or so years from now when you show the pics around to his friends. THAT should be a fun scene!!!

Rachel said...

I'm sorry your weekend was so crappy, but, wrong as it may be, I laughed my ass off at this post!

"Sweetie Pie also once served Little Man a yogurt. WITH THE SPOON ALREADY IN IT. How could anyone have made it to 33 years when they pull stupid crap like that?" This right here is what got me!

We are dealing with eye drops at the moment too :(